Mayfield & Belov presents: Camp Here & There
Episode 14: The Stones in Toilets

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[DING]

SYDNEY

Kids, we need to have a discussion — a discussion of real importance. A topic so deadly serious, the fate of the camp hangs in the balance. A responsibility which, if mishandled, could pitch this whole Summer camp institution right off the rails and into the dark canyons of hell. Have you guessed it? That’s right, children: we need to talk about keeping the bathrooms clean.

It’s one of those responsibilities we all share. Even I do my part! When the Summer ends and you kids and your counselors all go away, there’s nobody left at the campsite but me and Lucille, and, well, she’s not gonna do the chores. So it pretty much comes down to me to keep this camp ship-shape — and yes, that does include the sanitorium and the stone toilets within! I’ve got to do it, campers, because nobody else is going to. 

Especially not the snarling, stinking beast that has recently taken up residence in the sanitorium — a creature which nobody has ever seen with their own eyes, but which we can all hear sneaking around and growling at us through cracks in the walls whenever we dare intrude upon the urine-soaked labyrinth it has made its home.

Trust me, kids — that thing is useless!

Anyway, what I’m saying is, uh… ethics! Responsibility! Community-mindedness! If I can do it, so can you! I’m not going to name names, but to the cabin which has been assigned bathroom-cleaning duty for the morning: please understand that we’ve all got to chip in here. If you use that bathroom, you’ve also got to clean it. We are functionally a self-sustaining, isolated community in the depths of the wilderness, and it only makes sense that we’d all give as much as we get.

JUNIPER

Ah. Heh. That’s their whole problem, actually!

SYDNEY

Eh?

JUNIPER

Eh, you mind? I-I wanted to borrow your, uh, voice-loudener-mabob.

JEDIDIAH

His… microphone?

JUNIPER

[Bemused] Oi, s’that what they’re calling this thing? Blimey. What a little marvel.

JEDIDIAH

Have you never seen… a microphone before?

JUNIPER

Have you?

JEDIDIAH

I’m in this room a lot, so. Yes.

JUNIPER

Well, you know. Back in my old hometown of Legsworth, heh, we didn’t have any fancy devices of this like.

JEDIDIAH

[Incredulous] You didn’t have microphones?

JUNIPER

You know how it is! Small town on the English coast!

SYDNEY

Yeah, Jeddie. You know how it is. 

JEDIDIAH

I’m just — m-microphones were invented well over a hundred years ago. I-In order for a person to be completely unfamiliar with them, they — I —

JUNIPER

Gotta say, Jeddie, m’boy, you’re straining me int’rest with this, eh, science-n’-history tosh. No offense.

JEDIDIAH

None taken? I think? What did you — [To Sydney] what did he just say?

SYDNEY

[Giggling] Don’t worry.

JUNIPER

Ah. No matter, no matter. Water under the roof! Uh – Sydney, good man, uh, your michaelphone?

SYDNEY

Yes, sure, okay. Kids, uh — this is Counselor Juniper, who’s with me this morning. and he’s got — what I can only assume is an extremely important announcement to make. Juniper, you have the floor.

JEDIDIAH

[Whispering] Seriously, what did he say?

JUNIPER

[HE TAPS THE MIC]

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello, er… [Clears his throat] can you ‘ear me? 

… 

They aren’t replying. Sydney, how do I know they can hear me?

SYDNEY

They’re not — they aren’t supposed to reply. 

JEDIDIAH

They don’t have any way to reply. It’s a one way thing, it’s — it links to the loudspeakers.

JUNIPER

Oh, bally well, then. I’ll just assume they’re all ignoring me, like they always do.

So, er — you fine people all probably know that my cabin, Cabin Dung Beetle, is home to a, er, a real rebellious crowd. Couldn’t be prouder of ’em, really; they’re good fellows, jolly good fellows, all and one. But I, ah — they’re troublemakers sometimes, aren’t they, and, uh, today they’ve decided to raise another stink. 

Haha, get it? Stink? Because of the loo? It’s the loos is the problem.

Y’see, ever since that mysterious creature started slinking around the twisting halls of the sanitorium, nobody goes in there anymore. Everyone’s scared some many-fanged monstrosity’s gonna leap right up outta the loo while they’re doin’ their business, aren’t they? Don’t want to get a buttcheek ripped off, no sir. And I sympathize! I do sympathize. I, myself, I’d much rather wait in line to use the one loo in the administration building than risk an encounter with the ever-elusive Beast of the Bathroom. And yes, I’m talking about the same loo in the administration building that Jedidiah’s always cooped up in for what feels like hours at a time. What are you doin’ in there, Jedidiah? Haha. Don’t mind me. Just taking the piss.

JEDIDIAH

I — what?

SYDNEY

[Through laughter] Juniper — dude, don’t- don’t curse. You’re talking to the kids.

JUNIPER

Ah – Right you are, chap; do forgive me. Anyhows, the point is that since nobody is using the sanitorium, my campers don’t see a point in cleaning it. But listen, I went to Rowan about this issue — great fellow, that Rowan; good friend of mine, very handsome, helped me out of many a scrape — and he said that he’s actually been in there since the monster moved in, and do you know what he saw?

JEDIDIAH

What?

JUNIPER

Grime! Gunk! Mountains of it, green and sticky, dripping down the walls! The working theory is that the —

SYDNEY

The same mysterious entity which gives the sanatorium its snarling ambiance and charming scent also seems to excrete, or otherwise encourage, the development of interminable measures of grime!

JUNIPER

What? No. W-We think the monster is leaking goo everywhere.

SYDNEY

That’s… what I said.

JUNIPER

Well, speak the Queen’s English if you want me to comprehend you, oi? Anyhows, lads and ladettes, that’s the whole of my announcement. I’ll leave you in Sydney’s care. Cheerio, now!

[HE GETS UP]

SYDNEY

Alright, Cabin Dung Beetle, you heard your counselor. There’s plenty to do in there, so get scrubbing away! There’s a sense of community in it for ya!

Oh, and, as for the typical announcements… the time’s 8:67AM, the sky is a dusty pink, and today’s breakfast is inside-out-pumpkins! They say not to eat the seeds or you’ll grow a pumpkin in your stomach, and it’ll steal all your nutrients until you wither and die! That’s supposed to be discouraging, but I, for one, would be pretty excited for such a turn of events. To create new life just by living — to feed myself directly to nature — to exchange my mortal existence for that of a noble squash? It sounds positively romantic. I’ve always wanted to be killed by something that loved me.

For this morning’s activities — Cabin Dung Beetle, you’ll be able to participate as soon as your cleaning is finished — Joshua will be holding a jump rope contest to see who can perform the most impressive cherry jerries, tsunami sirens, and tongue tanglers. Yvonne is hosting The Gamer Hour 3, and Warren has prepared a morning of candy bracelet making! If I read this correctly, it appears the candy is insect flavored! A taste that can’t be… beet…le! 

[SYDNEY AND JEDIDIAH LAUGH TOGETHER]

Ah, one last bit of news. Soren is on cabin arrest for the next week as consequence for his magical misdemeanors yesterday, so you won’t be seeing much of him unless you’re a Cabin Ladybug kid. 

In a Summer camp environment, cabin arrest is the harshest punitive measure we can administer unto a counselor — short of firing them, of course, but Lucille can’t fire Soren because he’s actually paying her to let him work here. Quite a lot of money each Summer, if I’m not mistaken. He recently came into a massive inheritance under mysterious circumstances, and this is what he chooses to spend it on — now that’s camp spirit! 

Not that I endorse the man. Yesterday’s display was… whatever the opposite of “camp spirit” is. Camp flesh?

Anyway, that’s it for this morning — enjoy your meal! 

[CLICK]

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[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Alright, campers. Hello… good afternoon. The time is 12:83PM. Let’s just get it out there: the sanitorium remains distinctly un-un-uncleaned.

But — to be fair — it’s not as though Cabin Dungbeetle didn’t try. You see, after my rousing speech about community-mindedness and social responsibility, the children of Cabin Dungbeetle did march dutifully into the sanatorium, intent on ridding it of the oppressive muck. But mere moments later, they all came stampeding out, screaming their heads off! According to reports from the scene, the kids claim to have encountered something truly appalling in there — something so horrific that all children should rightly be exempt from bathroom-cleaning duty for all time, lest today’s harrowing encounter repeat itself. Within the dark, dizzying stretches of the sanatorium, the children ran into none other than… the Elephant Man.

Though Lucille did not technically, officially relieve the kids of duty, they’ve refused to re-enter the bathroom, and I don’t blame them a bit. A slithering monstrosity living in the pipes, I can handle. But the thought of that freak watching me do my business? It’s enough to make me want to board up the sanatorium door and declare it an uninhabitable zone.

There’s further issue, though. See, as soon as the Elephant Man was spotted, Counselor Salem quickly volunteered to brave the maze to try and locate that devilish pachyderm. And after losing herself in those ever-shifting halls for a few hours, she emerged with the firm conviction that the Elephant Man has, in fact, never even set foot in our humble ablutionary facilities. Of course, this raises the question: where does the Elephant Man go to go? And it also raises another, slightly less important side-question: did the Cabin Dungbeetle kids lie to get out of bathroom duty?

Would a child really do that? Just come to Summer Camp and tell lies? I don’t think it’s fair to assume such a thing. Listen, my little fledgelings, I know exactly what it’s like when you keep saying you’re in danger and the people who have the power to help you just don’t take it seriously. I want you to know that I 100% believe you. The Elephant Man was in that bathroom. He’s got to use it now and again, right? The alternative is… truly too terrible to contemplate.

[Sigh] But Counselor Salem is… firm in her stance that he was never in there, and many around camp seem to think that Cabin Dungbeetle’s… admittedly troubled reputation… is reason enough to assume that they’re all lying.

Now we’ve got kids and counselors at each other’s throats at a time where we should be coming together to face a community concern!

So, now… I feel I’ve got no choice but to step in. Kids… I hoped it would never have to come to this, but you’ve all forced my hand. In order to resolve this conflict before it consumes us all… I’m going to have to do it. I’m going to sing the Camp Cooperation song.

I know. I’m sorry! I know. I… you have to believe me, this is going to hurt me as much as it’s going to hurt you. But I’ve tried… playing Mr. Nice Nurse. I’ve tried to give you all time to sort yourselves out on your own, and it’s not working, and… this is where we’ve come to. This is what’s necessary now.

I promise, when the song is finally over… we’ll be able to smile again. Hold tight to your neighbor, now. You’ll need each other to get through this.

[With increasing dread]

One.

Two.

Three.

[Singing]

Let’s all learn to cooperate

Teamwork makes me feel great

Let’s chip in and carry that weight

We’ll meet a dismal fate

If we can’t learn to work as one

Everything’s gonna come undone

And that will not be too much fun

There’s only one way to survive

For humans as a species

Society is in a nosedive—

[THE DOOR OPENS]

Ah, Salem! What a pleasant surprise —

SALEM

Hey, finish up your sermon and come with me.

SYDNEY

Ah —uh — sorry? Why?

SALEM

I’m declaring a staff meeting.

SYDNEY

Ah! Ah, of course. You see, kids, every counselor is granted the authority to declare one mandatory staff meeting per year. It’s a big deal that Salem is cashing this privilege in right now! I wonder what it could be about?

SALEM

Sydney, Sydney, Sydney, ta gueule, ta gueule, ta gueule! The children don’t need this information, Sydney! Stuff like this is exactly why we need a meeting!

SYDNEY

Uhm, alright… can I — can I finish the announcement?

[SALEN GROANS]

SYDNEY

I still haven’t told them what they’re having for lunch . . . . .

SALEM

Say what you need to.

SYDNEY

Uh, today’s lunch is mozzarella sherbet with ostrich cream and a side of ostrich zest. For this afternoon’s activity, we have a campwide T-ball game played with the eye of the ostrich. I miss that ostrich… anyway, enjoy your meal – okay okay I’m coming!!!!

[CLICK] 

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SYDNEY

Well. Good evening, my little… humans. The time is 19:04PM, and… it appears I owe you all an apology. 

At the… staff meeting this afternoon… I-I was… formally… let know… that I… well, it seems people feel that I share too much information over the loudspeakers. Certain members of the camp staff have suggested that my candor regarding camp issues can lead to widespread anxiety among you kids; not to mention that kids who harbor too much knowledge of our delicate inner workings might be… enabled to find ways around, our, um, important rules and regulations, as Cabin Dungbeetle has… supposedly done.

I… I don’t think you were lying, kids, but even if you were… then it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have… sensationalized a serious issue like the Elephant Man. I shouldn’t be… telling you when I’m… scared, and… what I’m scared about. So… I am sorry. Uhm. A-and, it seems, I will be cleaning the bathrooms today, for… disciplinary purposes… so, you don’t need to worry about it! I. Uh. Yeah. So that’ll be fun. I like cleaning. I, uh… I can take an ibuprofen if I… yeah.

So it’s all good, and… from here on out, I vow to be more careful about what I share over the announcements.

… That being said… I can’t in good conscience let you wallow in uncertainty. If you have any questions of any kind about… anything at all… you are welcome to come down to my office and talk to me. Okay? Okay.

Dinner tonight will be ostrich smoothies with huckleberry gravy. Plus, you each get one slice from the man-sized citrus pie Matthew made with bona-fide, fresh oranges purchased from our nearest big-box grocery store. HarmlessMart: “Trust us. Trust us.”

Okay, campers, that’s all for tonight. Sleep peacefully, and I… mm. Well. Enjoy your meal, okay? See you tomorrow. 

[CLICK]

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[FAINT TICKING OF A CLOCK]

SYDNEY

Evening, ghost recorder. It iiiiis — oh, you’ll never guess this one — 25:25PM! Aha.

… I got yelled at pretty badly today. Not by Salem; she… to be fair, I don’t think she wanted me to get punished or yelled at or anything. She just… [Sigh] wanted me to change my habits… and I, I-I get it, if I’m being honest; I really understand where she’s coming from.

The world is a scary place, and… it can be hard to have fun if you always have to think about the scary stuff. And she just wants the kids to have fun. But I just don’t think we do them any favors in the long term by sparing them the gorey details! If they don’t know just how dangerous it is out there, how can we expect them to keep safe? How can we ensure they’ll make good decisions when we aren’t around? We can’t protect them forever. They’re gonna find out how awful everything is one way or another, and it’s better they hear it from us than learn it the hard way.

… Also, teenagers aren’t dumb. They know when we hide stuff from them… and speaking from experience, when I was a kid, and the adults kept stuff from me… fuck, I would just try and figure it out for myself. And usually end up getting hurt.

That’s a shitty, lonely way to live. I don’t want to subject these kids to that.

… 

[Sigh] Okay, I’ve got to go clean the bathroom. I didn’t tell the kids, but Marisol was ordered to help me, since she was sort of my “accomplice” in telling everyone about the Elephant Man… which is totally unfair, obviously. Even Salem didn’t want that. But I digress… with Marisol there, it might even be kinda fun. But once I’m done, I’ll definitely be too tired for a chat like this, not to mention it’ll undoubtedly cause a pain flare-up, so I wanted to knock it out beforehand. 

Alright… [He stretches] see you tomorrow. Wish me luck with my cleaning.

[CLICK]

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SYDNEY

Funniest thing! So me and Marisol head out, ready for a night of [Inhale] communal responsibility, and, y’know, cleaning is not a big problem for me, I don’t mind cleaning usually, but I have a… very bad goo allergy, and some pretty bad pain, so the prospect of going into a room filled floor-to-ceiling with glop that I need to scoop… well, I was kind of bracing myself for it. But when we get in there, into the sanatorium, it’s absolutely spotless. Still humid and smelly, but all the goo that Juniper talked about had just been — scraped off the walls. I really don’t have any guesses, but they left a calling card of some kind: a tall, red candle burning on the floor, emanating the scent of… mischief.

Well, I’m grateful, I guess. [Small noise of amusement] And I’m sure my office is grateful I came back, because Jedidiah brought one of his clocks in here and he was fiddling with its inner workings when I walked in. Screws and little gears scattered all over my desk. I don’t know why I bother trying to make him do the job he’s here to do. Or… anything.

Damn. Okay. Marisol wanted to hang out with me tonight by the bonfire, so… I think I’m gonna do that. Hoping it goes well, right? Not that things ever go badly with Marisol. She’s pretty easy to hang out with.

So… see you tomorrow, I guess? Rest well, ghost recorder. 

[CLICK]

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Today’s episode was written and produced by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Juniper Sloan was played by Tom Laflin. The part of Salem de La Marnierre was played by Crystal Lee. Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield and Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Blue Mayfield, Beetlesprite, and Emily Safko. Special thanks to our patrons: Sophia Frank, and Cruz Godar.

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Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There, and remember: that thar? What sleeps among the bushes? Aye, it’s neither man nor mole. Ye’d best leave it to its slumber.

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