Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Thirty Two: The Pyre of the Muse

[CLICK]

[DING]

SYDNEY

Tally hello, assorted breakfast-wanters. It’s 8:60 in the morning and the moon, you’ll note, is acting like it — that is, she’s nowhere to be seen. How sad — it seems she’s shelved her dreams of self-actualization in favor of what she feels is her duty. Well, if it was up to me, I’d say the moon should be whatever she wants to be, and to hell with the ties that bind her. Abandon us to the night! We can handle it.

Ahhhhh, to overthrow nature…

Anywhat. In light of recent events, I’m saddled with the unfortunate task of letting you all know that the nurse’s office is on semi-lockdown until further notice, and anyone who desires medical attention must be personally escorted by Jedidiah in order to be allowed inside. I really am sorry for this, because the possibility that some of you might experience a delay in care is distressing, but we simply can’t take any risks about someone unwelcome slipping in. I reassure you that I’m still looking after them — look, I’m waving through the window! Do you see me?

Not much to report this morning — thanks to the extended security measures you’ve already been briefed on, nothing too crazy has had the opportunity to happen. I guess the most interesting thing that has happened was that failed ritual Cabin Dung Beetle seemed to carry out this morning. What was the deal with that? All of you marched out to the bonfire in a phalanx, holding the once-stolen sentimental objects that the Elephant Man mysteriously returned last week, and you tossed them into the flame. Then you stood there, holding hands and chanting as if… well, I’m not sure I want to guess. [HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.] Anyway, nothing really happened, and in the end you all slowly drifted away like a bunch of disappointed continents. But… forgive me… I’m a bit jumpy today. Was all of that — ?

Ah — ! Look who it is! Jedidiah, come on in.

JEDIDIAH

Mallory scraped her knee.

SYDNEY

Oh, dear, alright. Take a seat in that cot, Mallory, we’ll have a look at you as soon as announcements are done. Is that all, Jeddie?

JEDIDIAH

I, ah — I just wanted to let you know that the delivery is on track to arrive this evening.

SYDNEY

Thank you, Jedidiah, for telling me.

Well, kids, we’re about done with the announcements anyway, aren’t we? Stay extra safe today. I’ll see you all at lunch — or sooner, if you happen to get hurt! Remember, go to Jedidiah. And have a merry breakfast, you all.

[CLICK] 

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Breathe out, campers. We’ve clawed our way to another lunchtime, and it may have left our fingers bloody — but hey, what are forks for?

I want to thank all the children who are reporting their Elephant Man sightings to me. It is a comfort for me to know exactly what he’s up to, even if it’s exactly what I expected him to be up to — that is, being a creep. Reports claim he’s acting quite brazen, not even retreating when spotted, just staring at passersby and eliciting small doses of that terrible, uncontrollable fervor. He appears to be watching for something — the right opportunity to strike, perhaps? Like yesterday, I advise you all to be on your guard and run away if you encounter him; and if he fills any of you counselors with fervor, you should use that motivation to, like, attack him.

By the way, with regard to the people who have started pranking the Splendid Advice Unicorn by playing him recordings of his own advice back at him, which he then proceeds to follow since it’s so convincing: he has informed us that it’s within our best interests to —

[HE PAUSES]

Elijah… the… Elephant Man… is outside… my window.

He’s right there. Right outside my window with his face and his hands pressed up to the glass. No mask… he’s just looking at me. The window… [YAWN] doesn’t seem to block his power at all… I… 

H-Ha… haha… have you ever been… so scared you wanted to run… but so drowsy you couldn’t if you tried? It’s a… it’s a unique experience. Would…. would recommend.

Um. Any… any help would be… would be nice… any counselors listening… campers, don’t, don’t trouble yourselves, but if any counselors could come over and… yell, scare him off… I… he’s just looking at me…

Gotta stay awake… I… look at the floor. Look at the… little stains and cracks in the linoleum tile… haha. That one’s shaped kind of like an aardvark. No one’s here… no one in the window, no need to look up… nothing…

He’s still here… [Growing a bit panicked] he’s just looking at me… where… is everyone? Am I alone… ? No one’s coming… where’s Jedidiah? Someone… help me… I’m alone with him… he’s just looking at me!!

[JEDIDIAH BURSTS IN]

JEDIDIAH

GET AWAY! GET AWAY!

SYDNEY

Oh my God.

JEDIDIAH

Back… ! Okay. He’s gone.

SYDNEY

Where — did you get that gun?

JEDIDIAH

It’s Lucille’s.

SYDNEY

She’s letting you borrow it…?

JEDIDIAH

Kind of.

SYDNEY

Jedidiah!

JEDIDIAH

Can we discuss this when the loudspeaker is off?

SYDNEY

Ahhhh. Okay. Ahh….

I… need a hug…

JEDIDIAH

Ah. Yeah. Here.

[THEY HUG. SYDNEY BEGINS TO LAUGH]

JEDIDIAH

What?

SYDNEY

You are so bad at hugging.

JEDIDIAH

[Laughing] Well. My mother never taught me.

SYDNEY

Mine neither, and you don’t see me making excuses.

JEDIDIAH

S-Sorry…

[THEY EXIT THE EMBRACE; SYDNEY TURNS BACK TO HIS MICROPHONE]

SYDNEY

Campers… I’m… sorry you had to hear all of that. I…

I can’t…

Mmah… have a good lunch, campers.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Good evening, campers. The afternoon has staggered by, leaving fear unresolved in its wake.

Since the incident at lunch, no further sightings of the Elephant Man have been reported. I’m not letting my guard down, but I’m glad that you all seem to be feeling okay. Some of you seem positively jolly, even — like earlier today, I saw the kids of Cabin Dung Beetle prancing around and whispering together, having a grand old time. In fact, I see them outside the window now… they’re all in a group… they’re heading towards the bonfire… Natsume’s got something in his arms… a big jar of… ultraviolet, glittery powder? Is that… nightmare powder? Yes.

Oh, shit.

[SYDNEY GETS UP AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM, KNOCKING HIS CHAIR OVER IN THE PROCESS. HE SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM]

[THERE IS A CACOPHONY OF NOISE: TERRIBLE, CHAOTIC NOISE. CHILDREN AND ADULTS BEGIN TO SCREAM IN A RISING CRESCENDO. THUNDERING FOOTSTEPS, SMASHING AND CRASHING; ALL MUFFLED BY THE WALLS]

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

TONY 1

EY! GOT A PACKAGE ‘ERE FOR, EHH, UHHHhhh… [Botching the pronunciation ] JED-DID-ID-IAH! J-EH, J-DI-UH, A “J” NAME!

TONY 2

ANY [Botching the pronunciation the same way] JED-DID-ID-IAHS IN HERE, WE’VE GOT A PACKAGE FOR YA!

TONY 1

I gotta say, Tony, this room looks pretty, ehhhhh… what’s the word…

TONY 2

Empty?

TONY 1

Yes! Yeah, Tony, empty. It’s kinda empty in here.

TONY 2

Well, look around. This was the delivery address. He’s gotta be hidin’ in here somewhere…

[JEDIDIAH RUNS IN, HARRIED AND OUT OF BREATH]

JEDIDIAH

You… the two of you… did you see Sydney on… your way i-in here… ?

TONY 1

Heyyyyy, there’s a guy right there!

TONY 2

Ah, good eye, Tony!

TONY 1

Might even be the specific guy we’re lookin’ for.

TONY 2

I dunno. Jed-die-did-dia’s a stupid name for an ugly loser. This guy is only one of those things.

TONY 1

Good point.

JEDIDIAH

I — don’t have time for the whole routine today — !

TONY 1

By the by, glasses guy, you happen to know what exactly is goin’ on in this camp here on this day?

TONY 2

It’s Sodom and Gamorrah out there.

TONY 1

Everyone runnin’ and screamin’ and tearin’ at their face-flesh like they got busted by the bulls. It’s crazy out there!

TONY 2

Youse folks have a shindig get outta hand?

TONY 1

Oof, we been there.

TONY 2

Oh, yeah, we been there.

TONY 1

I could tell ya stories!

JEDIDIAH

Can you both shut! Up!

TONY 1

Whoa, woah there, buddy, no need to get worked up.

TONY 2

Cool your jets, hoss, no need to make a fuss.

TONY 1

Take it easy.

JEDIDIAH

Did you see Sydney? On your way in here? That’s all you need to say. Did you see Sydney?

TONY 1

Ehh, Sydney… ?

TONY 2

Don’t know nobody named Sydney, hoss.

JEDIDIAH

You’ve delivered a package to him before? You — you liked him. He’s — pretty short, his hair is dark and — and really long…

TONY 1

Oh, oh, kind of — kind of, ah —

TONY 2

Kind of a curvaceous guy, no?

JEDIDIAH

I —

TONY 1

Yeah, yeah, kind of a voluptuous fella?

TONY 2

You don’t often see hips like that on a man.

TONY 1

It’s refreshing!

TONY 2

That’s exactly what it is, Tony,

TONY 1

Yes!

TONY 2

It’s refreshing.

TONY 1

Yes!

TONY 2

I support it wholeheartedly.

TONY 1

So, ehhh… are we talkin’ ‘bout the curvy guy?

JEDIDIAH

There — are some issues with — identifying him that way, but —

TONY 2

Well, don’t beat around the bush, are you talkin’ about the curvy guy or not?

JEDIDIAH

I do think we’re talking about the same person —

TONY 1

Ey, Tony, why’s this guy refuse to admit that this “Sydney” of his is a voluptuous, full-figured man?

TONY 2

I can’t say I quite get it either, Tony.

JEDIDIAH

I asked you a simple question —

TONY 2

You’re only disservicin’ your friend here by denyin’ his assets!

TONY 1

You ashamed of him or somethin’? You think there’s somethin’ wrong with the way he was made?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t — I — I admit he does — have — n-nice hips —

TONY 1

Oh, well, now you’re just fetishizin’ him.

TONY 2

Deplorable.

JEDIDIAH

DID YOU SEE SYDNEY LEAVING OR NOT?

TONY 1

Oh, yeah, just a few minutes ago.

TONY 2

Yeah, well, he was sort of unconscious.

TONY 1

Yeah, looked sound asleep. And he was bein’ carried by some guy wearing a funny mask, looked like a, uhh…

TONY 2

An elephant!

TONY 1

Right! An elephant.

[SILENCE]

JEDEDIAH

…Thank you. I have to go.

TONY 1

WAAAAIT!

TONY 2

YER PACKAGE, YA QUACK!

JEDIDIAH

Right — ugh — thank you —

[HE TAKES THE PACKAGE AND RUSHES OUT]

TONY 1

Sheesh. What was the deal with that guy, huh, Tony?

TONY 2

Some people, Tony. Some people.

[THE TONIES TURN THE RECORDER OFF OUT OF COURTESY.]

[CLICK]

[AUDIO OF A PHONE CALL CONNECTING.]

LUCILLE

[Pre-recorded] What.

ROBOT VOICE

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice-messaging system. At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up, or press 1 for more options.  [BEEP]

JEDIDIAH

Lucille. Hey, I know you don’t check your voicemail… but… [Sigh] I guess I’m hoping that if I die tonight, you’ll feel motivated to listen to this. I don’t know. Either way, I have to say something to someone. 

[Inhale] So… here’s what you’ve missed since the last time you locked your office door. The kids in Cabin Dungbeetle… I guess the Elephant Man, uhhh, talked them into helping him? They… they dumped all of their nightmare powder, all at once, into the bonfire. And while everyone was freaking out, having fucked-up hallucinations… . the Elephant Man swooped in. It was — it was the perfect setup, because he… he got to rescue us. His weird fervor effects, they — canceled out the nightmare powder. He dragged everyone up out of this hell he’d created and filled them with the cleansing light of his faith. I don’t think anyone in camp actually worships Sydney, like this guy does. But the Elephant Man takes their fear and gives it a direction… I think they worship that. So they let him take Sydney away.

I was — I mean, I — I don’t really know how to explain it, but the Elephant Man’s powers don’t… work on me? I’ve no idea why. Maybe I just — well, I could theorize, but the point is that they don’t. So while everyone else was aglow with the saving joy of a new purpose, I was still in the nightmare realm. I was… pretty dizzy. Not very stable. I tried to chase after the congregation as they left, but… anyway. The point is, he took Sydney into the forest. And — everyone. He took everyone into the forest, but you, of course; and whatever they’re gonna do in there… [HE SHUDDERS]

So now I’m in the forest… trying to kill a priest. I have no idea where they are — despite the commotion just a few minutes ago, everything’s quiet now; and the trees seem to twist and shift frantically, like they’re filled with a fervor of their own. I brought one of your guns with me — sorry — but I don’t really know how to use it, and I don’t wanna accidentally kill a kid, so it’s just for show… you keep saying you’re gonna teach me. Get on that. But I’ve got something else too — a secret weapon that might save our lives. See, Sydney told me this story — how one time, the Elephant Man was looking in through the window when the power went out, and it disturbed him so much he just ran away. Me and Sydney think that what actually freaked him out was his own reflection. If his power is activated by sight — maybe we can turn it against him, right? So… I ordered a handheld mirror. When the time is right, I’ll hold it up to his face and pray.

[Inhale] I know this is gonna be hard for you, but I’d really appreciate it if you called in the authorities as quickly as possible. If the mirror ploy works, we’ll need someone to take the Elephant Man away, and if it doesn’t… we’ll need someone more equipped to handle the situation in the forest than me.

And, one last thing… if Sydney comes back to camp and I — don’t… please play the following portion of this message for Sydney.

Uh… [ahem] Sydney, I… 

Um.

I love you.

…Bye.

[CLICK]

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Lucille Bertuccelli was played by Susan Dohan. The part of Tony 1 was played by Tom Antonellis. The part of Tony 2 was played by Gianni Matragrano.

Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Chance, M, ChaiTeacup, Sunflowerprince, Lark Pelletier, Axolotl Mint Addison, Maxine!!! Sodaur, and Connor H.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: They call it a “heartbeat” because your heart looks like a beet! Like the vegetable.

Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Thirty One: The Nurse is Building a Pyre

[CLICK]

[DING]

SYDNEY

Hi, campers… breakfast-ho. Before we start on the announcements, I’d like to apologize for my recent periods of absence. I experienced… a lapse in priorities… under rather extenuating circumstances. But I swear, from now on, you kids are once again my number one focus. For the rest of the Summer, I won’t be leaving again… of my own free will.

On an entirely unrelated note, I’d also like to retract my previous statements about the Elephant Man not being dangerous. I’ve experienced some visceral, lifechanging, emotionally scarring… bonfire visions, which indicated to me in no uncertain terms that the Elephant Man’s intentions are to exploit and harm the staff and the campers. If you see him, count to zero, then scream and run away.

Moving on… this morning’s activities center around identifying shapes and arranging them into patterns. Juniper and Rowan, unfortunately, won’t be able to participate, as they’re away delivering fish this morning. We actually missed the last delivery a couple days ago — everyone was preoccupied, I guess… but anyway, the penguins harassed me about it when I had a normal, scheduled encounter with them the other day, so, yeah, we’re on top of it now.

There’s another aspect of today that I can’t ignore — the moon refuses to set. Even now, well after dawn, she is still hanging there in the minty, cloudless sky as if night had never ended. She probably has her reasons for being out during the daytime, but it’s still irresponsible of her; there’s really not enough room in the sky for her and the sun. I encourage you kids to ask the moon what’s up, and if she needs help getting back down from the sky. Even our celestial guardians need some emotional support from those around them now and again.

For today’s breakfast, Matthew has made meatball muffins topped with bacteria cultures homegrown in a ceramic dish. Vegans get an eyeball extracted from a veggie marmoset. It’s technically not a form of animal life! But its eyes shed tears all the same. Alright, kids. Have breakfast!

[CLICK] 

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

H-Hey, campers. I… I have to say, I’m not sure how to begin. 

[DING]

I don’t want to violate the announcement-giving policy I’ve… . worked with my coworkers to establish… which compels me to avoid saying things that could scare you kids. But… you’re already scared, aren’t you? And I’m scared too. Maybe it would help both of us to be… scared together.

I guess we can start by addressing what you all saw. Right? No one can… no one can say we should just ignore what you all saw. So, in case you thought it was some kind of waking fever dream, let me affirm for you: what happened this morning happened.

While everyone was in the middle of arranging their shapes, the Elephant Man snuck into camp. Somehow, and apparently without a witness against him, he clambered up the side of Cabin Dung Beetle and set his boots upon the roof. And there, stretched out against the sky with the sleepless moon hanging behind his head like a dollar-store halo, he pried off his prosopon and preached from the mount.

So you gathered. What else could you have done? A fertile throng flourished around the hypocrite in the high place, and as he preached of cattle and sheep he cast adrenaline from his eyes. A virulent piety spread across the crowd until you, too, were howling praise to your muse. Your muse. Your muse. And after whipping you up into such a frenzy that you could no longer see what was in front of you, he disappeared. For hours afterwards, the revelry proceeded, everybody chanting, dancing, singing, screaming, writhing, shaking one another by the shoulders… all for the worship of an idol you don’t even know by name.

Now that the stardust has settled, I imagine most of you are confused and frightened by what you’ve been made to feel. You may be disturbed by how easily this stranger manipulated you. If that’s the case, I urge you to cling to that feeling. Be uncomfortable. Be indignant. You’re a person of your own! Not his disciple, not his congregant, not his tool, not his at all! And you won’t permit him to squeeze your heart to make his broth. Campers, counselors, I don’t blame any one of you for being enticed by his promises of peace and tranquility, those rarest of treasures in this world. But now that you know what he’s capable of, you must make yourself skeptical. No true savior would take away your freedom to choose salvation.

… Thanks for listening. Lunch is the wolf… have a secular afternoon. 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Well, folks, she held out all day. Now the sun is setting in shame, while the brave moon remains. She saw us through breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and it seems she will see us through another night. And now she knows not just our secrets, but our faces, as well.

She didn’t choose to do what she does, you know. To be our chaperone through the night. Guardian against shadows, sole and silent witness to a million secret moments of human frailty. She does it anyway, as well as she possibly can… but perhaps she’s always wished she could play the part of the sun, and herald dawn. Or perhaps she merely wishes she had the option.

Her act of defiance against the natural order today may have seemed pointless to you. But I think I understand. She just wanted… for once in history… to exercise her freedom of choice. If only to prove that she could.

I want her to know that I… 

… I think that’s cool.

Thank you, moon. Goodnight.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

The other kids in school didn’t believe me when I said I was malnourished because I was not very thin. I didn’t know how to rebuke this at the time, but as an adult I understand that the foods which are most widely available to the poor are often the least healthy. Not to mention, my mother never made food for me, so before I learned how to cook, I subsisted in large part off of snacks. What the other kids didn’t understand — what I, even, didn’t understand — was that being fed is not always the same as being nourished.

Last night, I had a dream that the kids were taunting me again — only this time, it was about love instead of food. “How can you feel unloved?” they said. “Everyone is talking about you. Everyone is listening for what you will say. The man from the forest — he wants you so badly. He wants you like a preacher wants proof. He wants you like a lover wants a lover, Sydney, so how could you feel unloved?”

It’s not their fault that they don’t get it. Just like back then, they couldn’t possibly understand… but sometimes, you can be fed without being nourished. Sometimes, you can be wanted without being loved.

… Gosh, I’m in a bad way right now. I can’t stop thinking about when I was in middle school. I… I never thought I’d say this, but I think I kind of miss it.

[CLOCK TICKING]

At least Jedidiah sat with me during lunch.

I don’t like to eat alone. Holed up in my room, like I used to do every night in that… dirty, dirty house… 

…. 

But it’s better now, in some ways. I’ve got better stuff to eat than soy sauce packets. And lilacs.

…. 

The centipede is back… 

[JEDIDIAH ENTERS THE ROOM]

JEDIDIAH

Sydney. Hey. We, uh… I didn’t want to bother you last night, but… I think we have to have this conversation now.

SYDNEY

[Small sigh] Tell me what you want. 

JEDIDIAH

I’m not mad, but… I need you to tell me about the Elephant man. What happened?

SYDNEY

He… told me he loved me. He invited me to eat with him. I just. I haven’t eaten with anyone in years. He was so nice to me, Jedidiah. He had tea with me, and he thought about my needs. No one’s ever talked to me that way. 

He told me he was going to love me more than I’ve ever known. It felt too good to be true oh god of course it was too good to be true oh god oh god oh god. Of course. I knew it was too good to be true. Jedidiah, but I hoped anyway. All I’ve ever wanted is someone to be an equal to me and to work with me to love and care and touch and the way he said so many declarations of unconditional commitment, for once it felt like someone could seriously love me without… using me for something… which is true and equal, but that was a lie. It’s all a lie. 

I knew it was creepy I knew it was wrong and I knew it was dangerous but I didn’t care because I wanted to believe him that it was love. I’m realizing you can be loved and hurt every fucking minute of it. I’m realizing you can’t ever stay with me for more than one measly month. I’m realizing I constantly seek calm and peace from you because I’m so scared of you and I need to prove I’m worth something to you. I don’t want to be always seeking. I’m sick of it and I’m sick of everything including my own body which is SICK of me too and… what do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? 

He told me he cared about me. He told me you didn’t, and I believed it. Why would I believe it, Jedidiah? After everything you’ve done, I wonder why half the time I believe that you don’t care. 

JEDIDIAH

Okay. I’m sorry.

SYDNEY

Jeddie.

JEDIDIAH

I’m sorry. I’m sorry… [He struggles with his words for some time] I… wanted so badly to believe you were fine. I wanted to believe it was all over… that I wouldn’t have to ruin anymore… 

SYDNEY

…

JEDIDIAH

What do I break now? Sydney, at this point… what do I do?

[SILENCE]

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. 

Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Sydney, Syd, Josh, Carlos, Lyfrassir, Elisa Rivera, It’s Flair, Bubbas, and Elan Hertzler.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: My body is whole. My body is eaten.

Hi everyone! Blue here. I want to tell you about Camp Lilac real quick. Camp Lilac is a summer camp in Ohio which welcomes transgender and gender nonconforming kids ages 12-17. Essentially, trans camp! In Ohio. 

For those 18 and up, we are also always looking for volunteer counselors. The camp is now re-opening its onsite location for Summer 2022. I will be attending the staff this year, and we hope to invite more people to this friendly space which welcomes self expression. 

If this interests you, registration for 2022 is now open. Links to the fundraiser and sign-ups are in this episode’s description and on our website mayfieldandbelov.com. 

Mayfield & Belov is not directly affiliated with Camp Lilac, but I wanted to take the moment to boost this thing which is important to me. 

I’d also like to take a moment to thank everyone who sent in their audio to help create the crowd for this episode. This was monumental and very special. A link to the full list of names is also in the description. 

Thank you for your time! Enjoy the episode.

–

Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Thirty: The Basket Case of the Nurse’s Building

[CLICK]

[CLOCK TICKING]

JEDIDIAH

The time is approximately 10:25AM on the 6th of July. I’m Jedidiah A. A. Martin, co-nurse at Camp Here and There. I am recording a session of conflict mediation between… two repeat offenders who can never seem to agree on anything. In accordance with the terms of my employment, I’m dying on the fucking cross for you two again. Fifth time in two Summers, guys.

YVONNE

Lay off, dude.

JOSHUA

Hey, what’s this co-nurse stuff? Aren’t you Sydney’s assistant?

[JEDIDIAH BREATHES LOUDLY IN ANNOYANCE]

JEDIDIAH

I am Jedidiah Martin, assistant nurse at Camp Here and There. Happy?

JOSHUA

Mhm.

JEDIDIAH

Names and perspectives.

YVONNE

Ahh! Ah. Right. Okay. Yeah. Right. Ummmmm.

JOSHUA

Maybe I should go first?

YVONNE

I can do it!

JEDIDIAH

We are not having this debate again. Yvonne, you first.

YVONNE

Okay. Uhmm… I’m Yvonne Marley. As you know. And me and Joshua have got… big problems.

JEDIDIAH

Yes, well, I assumed as much… 

YVONNE

It’s this — Elephant Guy! You know? We have to… everyone’s all confused about this Elephant Man thing. It’s a big deal.

JOSHUA

Huge deal.

YVONNE

And me and Joshua, we — we just can’t figure out what to tell the kids! It’s like… do we tell them the whole truth? Or do we just try to tell them something comforting?

JOSHUA

That’s the issue.

YVONNE

And I think we should try not to scare them. I’m like the Salem of us.

JOSHUA

That’s you!

YVONNE

We should just tell them something to keep them comfortable and happy! Is my thing. 🙂

JOSHUA

🙂

YVONNE

🙂

JEDIDIAH

Alright. That… okay. Sure. Joshua?

JOSHUA

Yeah, baby, my turn. I’m Joshua MacHeath, and I think Yvonne is a big… dump. I think, we shouldn’t even worry about how the kids “feel”! I think we should just tell ‘em everything! Hell, make stuff up! Right? ‘Cos the kids, you know, what they hate more than anything is being left in the dark about big camp business. Yvonne just doesn’t get that. Isn’t she so unreasonable?

YVONNE

You’re unreasonable, you… dick… wart. 

JOSHUA

Fuck trumpet!

YVONNE

Wimpy little bitch. 

JOSHUA

O—ow… [Whisper] pull your punches a bit, huh… ?

JEDIDIAH

Okay, guys… 

YVONNE AND JOSHUA

[IN A SYNCOPATED MONOTONE] Help us, Jedidiah.

JEDIDIAH

Just let Sydney speak for himself. The Elephant Man is his issue, right? He would appreciate being handed the reins on his own narrative.

YVONNE

Ah… 

JOSHUA

Uhm… 

YVONNE

Right… 

JOSHUA

But the problem with that is… uh… 

JEDIDIAH

Hey, if my solution is imperfect, I’m open to feedback.

YVONNE

It’s just — it’s —

JOSHUA

It’s fine, it’s just —

YVONNE

It’s so —

JOSHUA

Maybe too perfect? A little bit?

YVONNE

Maybe that.

JEDIDIAH

Alright, guys. It’s been fun. I’ve got work to do, so, ah… meeting adjourned?

[JEDIDIAH BEGINS TO STAND]

YVONNE

Wwwwwait —

JOSHUA

Hey, Jedidiah, remember when Sydney and I were roommates in college?

JEDIDIAH

[With disdain] All too well.

[HE SITS]

YVONNE

He hated you.

JOSHUA

He did. After the first semester, he requested a solo dorm.

YVONNE

Anyone would’ve done the same.

JOSHUA

I was a big loser! You hated me too, right, Jedidiah?

JEDIDIAH

What is your game here? Is this some kind of psyop?

YVONNE

We just wanna reminisce!

JOSHUA

Just some good old college-day reminiscence. Just some old pals sittin’ down and talkin’ about bygones. What’s wrong with that?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t exactly… it — it wasn’t a good part of my life. It doesn’t make me happy to think about it.

YVONNE

Awwwww, what about our adventures together?

JEDIDIAH

We… it’s… I mean, you were probably the best thing about college.

YVONNE

Remember you were scared of me at first?

JEDIDIAH

I was not scared of you. I just… didn’t know how to talk to people. 

YVONNE

Don’t bluff. You were terrified of me because you were a good little Christian boy and I was a party goth.

JEDIDIAH

I… I was desensitized to the goth stuff because of Sydney. He exposed me to the fancy clothes and the shitty music for years before I met you.

YVONNE

Okayyyyyyy, but you have to admit, my hair freaked you out.

JEDIDIAH

… Your hair might have freaked me out a little bit.

YVONNE

Heh.

JOSHUA

Me too, dude. To this day. She picks the weirdest colors… hurts my eyes, Yvonne.

YVONNE

Oh, shut up.

JOSHUA

You shut up!

JEDIDIAH

Seriously, though, guys, what is this all about?

YVONNE

Do you remember — oh, my God, do you remember —

JOSHUA

What? What? Do I know this story?

YVONNE

Yeah, dude, you were totally there.

JOSHUA

[Gleeful] Eee!

[JEDIDIAH SIGHS]

YVONNE

Like, I tried to get Jedidiah to come to parties all the time, right? He was always, like, too scared and awkward or whatever —

JEDIDIAH

I was trying to make the most of my college education.

YVONNE

But one day, God, I guess I caught him in a good mood, because he finally said yes. 

JOSHUA

Oh my God, is this the time he put on that —

YVONNE

Shush. Shush. So I got him to come to this party, and it was being held in, like, someone’s common room, and they had a DJ. And they let the attendees take turns requesting tracks. Anything that could be found online.

JEDIDIAH

Oh my God.

JOSHUA

Oh my God, it’s this one!

JEDIDIAH

Why here? Why now?

YVONNE

And everyone wanted Jedidiah to pick a track, because they were all so excited to see the guy with the cross necklace come out of his shell. I mean, I think some of them were hoping he’d pick a Jesus song.

JOSHUA

Oh, that would’ve been funny.

JEDIDIAH

Did I do something wrong? Are you punishing me?

YVONNE

He picked something even better, though. Anyway, he kept saying no at first, but after a couple of hours he was kind of drunk.

JEDIDIAH

Auuughhg.

YVONNE

And finally he said yes. And the track he put on… 

JOSHUA

It was like — this weird, orchestral… like, nature song from a video game… ?

YVONNE

It was ambient music from the Skyrim soundtrack.

JOSHUA

YES!

YVONNE

And he danced to it.

JOSHUA

Like an interpretive dance about the epic history and lore of this video game world.

JEDIDIAH

I… cannot believe that you remember this.

YVONNE

How could we forget!?

JOSHUA

Oh, oh, guys, fuck, I have a story. [As he tells this “story”, he starts out enthusiastic, but grows less so as he realizes that what he’s saying is insane] Me and Sydney would play this game — Sydney would toss cafeteria hot dogs on the floor of our dorm, and he would tell me I did it and make me pick them up. And then when I brought them back to him, I would, like, joke hit on him, like “Will you date me now?”, right, like now that I — picked up a hot dog for you — and it was a joke, I mean, kind of, and he would always just, like… laugh and call me names. Like, really nasty words that I don’t know if I’m… allowed to say.

[SILENCE]

JEDIDIAH

Jesus, Joshua.

YVONNE

Hearing that made me feel sick.

JOSHUA

I’m sorry.

YVONNE

You’re sick.

JOSHUA

Okay.

JEDIDIAH

Guys, please… this — this really isn’t fun for me, and you obviously have some kind of ulterior motive, so can we please just — drop the charade and… why are you two really here?

JOSHUA

Uh… 

YVONNE

Fine. Jedidiah, listen… we want to talk to you.

JOSHUA

Yeah. And the only opportunity we get is these mediation sessions.

JEDIDIAH

You just… wanted to have a chat?

YVONNE

No — I mean, yes, I like chatting with you and I want to do it more, but — today, it’s more like… we’re worried about you.

JOSHUA

You’ve always been kind of neurotic, but… 

YVONNE

Lately, you’re clearly falling apart. I haven’t seen you so openly stressed out since… well, your last year of college. And we all know how that went.

JEDIDIAH

You… really don’t.

YVONNE

I don’t know every little detail. But I know it was bad. This time, I want to try and help you before it gets that bad again.

JOSHUA

Yeah. And, to be real… I wanna know what’s up with Sydney lately. I’m worried about him too. If there’s any way I can help him… 

JEDIDIAH

[Laughing with incredulity] Joshua… you want to help Sydney?

JOSHUA

Dude… don’t act like I’m like… [He’s a bit too offended to put this into words]

YVONNE

Yes, he does. And I want to help you. So come on… what’s going on?

JEDIDIAH

[Sigh] I… this is… sweet. It’s… nice to know you care. I—I mean that.

YVONNE

[Kindly] Of course.

JEDIDIAH

But talking about it isn’t going to help. So… I have to say no. Sorry.

JOSHUA

[Disdainfully] Of course.

YVONNE

Jedidiah… are we friends?

JEDIDIAH

Um.

YVONNE

Do you consider me a friend?

JEDIDIAH

Yes. Of — of course.

YVONNE

Well, then act like it.

JEDIDIAH

I… 

YVONNE

I know you’ve never been much for confiding, Jedidiah, but fuck, I don’t even feel like I know you anymore! If you think of us as friends, then you need to actually have a friendship with me.

JOSHUA

She’s been waiting to say that all summer.

YVONNE

Shut up. But… yeah, I have. 

JEDIDIAH

Alright. I guess I… mmn. I’m sorry, Yvonne. You’re… right… that I haven’t been present… in anyone’s lives like a real friend should. I’ll… put more effort in.

YVONNE

Thank you.

JEDIDIAH

What exactly did you want to know?

YVONNE

Where did Sydney really go when he went missing?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t know. 

JOSHUA

Why has he been acting so strange ever since?

JEDIDIAH

Probably possibly because he’s been having secret meetings with the Elephant Man?

JOSHUA

Who is the Elephant Man?

JEDIDIAH

I have no idea.

YVONNE

But we know Sydney has talked to him?

JEDIDIAH

Not… really, it’s just a guess.

JOSHUA

Then why did Sydney say he wasn’t a threat the other day?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t know. 

YVONNE

Is Sydney plotting something with the Elephant Man? Is that why he’s acting so weird?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t know. 

YVONNE

I find it really hard to believe that you don’t know anything.

JEDIDIAH 

What do you want me to say, Yvonne? Sydney hasn’t told me a Goddamn thing for the past week. 

JOSHUA

Are you guys fighting?

JEDIDIAH

… I don’t know.

YVONNE

That sucks. Must be annoying.

JEDIDIAH

It’s… complicated. I don’t blame him for it.

JOSHUA

Why?   

JEDIDIAH

It’s pretty much my fault.

YVONNE

So he’s ignoring you because he’s mad at you for something?

JEDIDIAH

Yes. Probably.

JOSHUA

Well what’s he mad about?

JEDIDIAH

I… uhm. 

YVONNE

Because you avoid him all the time?

[JEDIDIAH INHALES]

YVONNE

Why do you do that?

JEDIDIAH

I — I can’t —

JOSHUA

Have you ever kissed him?

JEDIDIAH

Wow.

YVONNE

Don’t be a creep.

JOSHUA

I’m just saying, like… weren’t you two dating at one point?

JEDIDIAH

No. Not… technically.

YVONNE

Not technically?

JOSHUA

What the hell does that mean?

JEDIDIAH

It’s complicated.

YVONNE

Just sounds annoying. 

JEDIDIAH

No, listen… it’s not his fault.

JOSHUA

So it’s yours? It’s your fault? 

JEDIDIAH

No, well, it’s not — I —

YVONNE

You guys have always had issues like this, and you always avoid them until they blow up in your face. Why do you do that? Why can’t the two of you just talk things out? 

JOSHUA

Do you need a mediator? I’ll be the mediator.

JEDIDIAH

Listen, Yvonne, Jesus, I… Sydney is… he’s hard, he’s hard to know and hard to care about. That’s — a horrible thing to say, and I keep my mouth shut because I don’t want to say it, but he… is… our relationship… I… it — it — he needs… help… he needs more help than a single person could  possibly provide. And that’s not his fault… all he ever asked for was what he needed… but I couldn’t give it to him, or I couldn’t give it to him while still being sane, and — and the proof is right in front of you, because I tried giving him everything he needed and I flunked out of college and I ended up working for my fucking mom. And I’m still the only thing resembling a support system that Sydney has. And it’s… too much. Too much for him, too much for me. And I can’t just… run away… but we can’t keep living like this, so… I’ve been trying to fix it. But I don’t know. I don’t know.

[SILENCE]

YVONNE

Wow. Um… okay. I… that is… a lot to deal with.

JOSHUA

If he makes your life so much harder, why don’t you just cut him off?

JEDIDIAH

[Chuff] No.

JOSHUA

Why not?

JEDIDIAH

It’s out of the question.

YVONNE

Why?

JEDIDIAH

Sydney is more than just a burden. I — love him. I don’t want to lose him.

JOSHUA

Hm.

YVONNE

Hm.

JOSHUA

The thing that you’re doing wrong here is keeping Sydney in this weird friendship-limbo.

YVONNE

If you aren’t willing to act like someone’s friend, then it’s wrong to feed them false hope that you might still have a connection with them.

JOSHUA

Yes, she’s right.

YVONNE

I’m always right.

JOSHUA

Can you let me have something for once?

YVONNE

Don’t be self-centered.

JOSHUA

I’m self-centered?

[A DULL, QUIET VOICE AND RUMBLING CROWD CAN BE HEARD FROM OUTSIDE, GRADUALLY RISING IN VOLUME AND ENTHUSIASM]

YVONNE

Yes. Anyways, I’m right, Jedidiah. 

JOSHUA

She’s right. 

YVONNE

Friendship takes effort. 

JOSHUA

Or you don’t be his friend.

JEDIDIAH

You guys don’t understand, I… even if I didn’t care about losing him, cutting him off would not be an option. I’m responsible for his well being, you get it? My parents sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars into paying for his college… I — he wouldn’t have passed his classes without me — he… he wouldn’t have survived if I hadn’t stayed with him on certain nights. He has a job here, a place to stay, a steady supply of money and food, because of me… you know Lucille; if she thought Sydney had fallen out of my good graces, he would be out of a job and home! I would be leaving him… with nothing. And none of this, none of this, is his fault… it is not his fault. His life, his parents, the circumstances of his birth, have left him… have… have left him without the resources or ability to take care of himself, and he hates that more than I do, and it’s not his fault, but he needs me. He needs me, and I love him. I love him… more than anything, and I cannot do that to him. 

[CROWD ROARS]

I just can’t… God fucking dammit, what is going on outside!?

YVONNE

I don’t know… 

[JEDIDIAH STANDS]

JEDIDIAH

I’m going out there. Session — session over.

[JEDIDIAH WALKS OUTSIDE AND OPENS THE DOOR, TO WHICH THE VOICE GROWS LOUDER. SOUNDS OF A CROWD MUMBLING CAN BE HEARD]

ELIJAH

And I stand before you on this rooftop, gazing down upon your circle of cabins, to deliver the good news! It’s sacred knowledge I’ve been cradling close to my chest for years, and I’ve deemed it prudent to share it with you all right here and now! Hear me! Trust in me! Learn the truth — that the world we live in exists in tribute to the perfect beauty of our divine Muse! You know him… you are blessed to bear him for every day you spend in this holy place… yet you shun him! Dismiss him! Blaspheme upon his name! Hear! Me! What are you worth without him? What are you in the eyes of the universe, for all your ignorance and neglect, but a sorry bunch of cattle? Nay; from this day forth, you will revere him as he was always meant to be revered. Be grateful! For Our Muse resides in this place, in body and spirit!

Who inspires the waters to flow over hills and down our throats? Our Muse! Who inspires the soil to pack together, to form a ground upon which we may walk? Our Muse! Who inspires the trees to fruit, to provide us with food to eat? Our Muse!

Our Muse! 

[THE CROWD STARTS CHEERING OUR MUSE! ALONGSIDE ELIJAH]

Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse!

Tomorrow, I am hosting a ceremony for all who wish to join our world in venerating the Muse! If we love him, the Earth will love us in turn! Together, poor cattle, you will become my sheep! We will pay our dues and earn the love of our planet! No more storms! No more fire, disease, rot, or betrayal! No more apocalypse! All thanks to our Muse! Our Muse!

[OUR MUSE!]

Come! Tomorrow night… Come! Chant with me! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! 

[THE CROWD BEGINS ROARING WITH APPLAUSE]

JEDIDIAH

Lucille? There you are. Are you going to do something about this?

[LUCILLE IS HEARD WALKING AWAY]

[OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE]

JEDIDIAH

Lucille… ?

[OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] 

[CLICK]

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Yvonne Marley was played by Emily Safko. The part of Joshua MacHeath was played by Ty Coker. The part of Elijah Volkov was played by Ryan Henning. 

Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Navaeh T, Saul, Ben Farkas, Absolutely an Axolotl, Moonlight Schemes, and Deez.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: [WHEEZE].

Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Twenty Nine: The Eggs of a Basket Case

[CLICK]

JEDIDIAH

Hey, kids. Jedidiah here, because Sydney is gone again — except, this time, he filed for a day’s leave with Lucille. Meaning the absence is official, and officially, it’s nothing to be concerned about. Of course, I can still think of a couple reasons to be concerned… but. No need for a search party. So.

We’ve got Matthew back again today, so today’s breakfast is something undoubtedly unpleasant and absurd. Hey, kids, if you liked the meals that Sydney made y’all yesterday, you should… you should let him know. When he gets back. Since he is in many respects laboring under delusions about the impact of his actions.

Your activities for the morning are falling over and standing back up. Don’t go missing. Or, if you must… make sure to file for leave. Have a good day. 

[CLICK]

[FOREST AMBIENCE]

[FOOTSTEPS THROUGH UNDERBRUSH] 

[CLOCK TICKING]

ELIJAH

Ah! My darling! There you are! Come close, come close!

SYDNEY

[Dully] Hi.

ELIJAH

Have you brought the sacred texts?

SYDNEY

Yeah… here.

[SOUND OF PAGES FLIPPING]

ELIJAH

Hmmm!

SYDNEY

It took a lot to get these.

ELIJAH

What wonderful work you’ve done, my love. My gratitude is as infinite as my praise. I will keep it safe with me for now… but of course, I cannot read it until the day of the ceremony comes.

SYDNEY
Of course… 

ELIJAH

Come! Sit at my table once again. [SILVERWARE CLINKING] I am having a beautiful meal. I’ve brought you bread. 

[HE SLICES THE BREAD LOAF]

SYDNEY

Thank you… that’s very kind.

[HE BEGINS SLICING MEAT]

ELIJAH

There’s a herd of wild cattle that often passes through this forest, you know. Colossal yet docile creatures that lumber about uprooting trees and stoppering rivers with their great, galumphing hooves. Occasionally, I take it upon myself to shepherd the lovely creatures when they migrate into my territory. 

[HE TAKES A BITE AND SPEAKS THROUGH A MOUTHFUL] 

In fact, that’s what I’m eating right now.

SYDNEY

Shepherding to you just means hunting?

ELIJAH

Perhaps they do things differently where I come from. Do you mind —

SYDNEY

Wait, is that cooked at all?

ELIJAH

I’m a lover of… the rarest pleasures. Do you mind if I remove the mask?

SYDNEY

I… I [Yawn] guess not… 

ELIJAH

All your choice, my love. 

[ELIJAH TAKES THE MASK OFF]

SYDNEY

[Sleepy] Mmmh.

ELIJAH

Now, my dear. I do believe I made you a promise… in return for the texts, I would teach you the truth. Do you remember?

SYDNEY

Mh.

ELIJAH

Then get comfortable, my love. I’m going to tell you… a story.

This is a story about… birth, my love. Rebirth. It’s a story of how we came to live in this world… this world which so loves you. 

Once there was a stupid man. He was skilled in certain delicate sciences: the science of the body; the science of machines. But he knew nothing of what really matters — of beauty, of divinity, of love. He could construct the most pristine, the most sacred sequences of numbers and proteins… but he knew not how to appreciate his creations once they were realized. When a project was “finished”, he would cast it aside. This man was the Architect. This man and his short-sightedness, his ingratitude, his wasted genius… he is the villain of this story.

But there was one love which penetrated his stupidity and settled in his heart — a beauty which burned brightly behind his eyes, behind his stupid little square glasses. The love was his saving grace: the one thing which kept him from total dissolution. But though he knew this love, though he held it in his oversized head, he never understood it! He did not understand how to feed it, how to witness it as it was meant to be witnessed! And so the object of his love began to falter; and as it faltered it became festered with disease; and the muscle dripped off of its bone; and the Architect knew that his love would die. He grew afraid. And he began to make… calculations. He may not have understood his own delicate love, but he understood the delicate sciences of body and machine … and when, one day, his love died tenderly on the clean sheets it was gifted… our stupid, stupid Architect divided by zero. He took the flesh of his love and filled it once more with the colors of life. The Architect ended death.

Stupid, stupid man. He tore the universe apart for the sake of his Muse, now the only living creature to have ever kissed heaven’s gate and still extracted its lips from the cold metal… our Architect had calculated perfection and shaped it as a man. And what did he do? Tossed it aside. He did not care. His love project was complete… and no reverence would pass between his cracked lips.

But the universe… the universe loved you. The universe saw what you were worth… and so did I. Oh, Muse… as life itself was blessed by your rebirth, so will I be blessed by my love for you. [Lovingly, with tenderness] Oh, Muse…  

…Are you listening to me? Wake up! 

[HE SLAMS THE TABLE]

WAKE UP! [Slipping into a Russian accent] The time for sleep is yet to come!

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

JEDIDIAH

What exactly is “a day’s leave”? Is it twenty-four hours of excused absence, starting from the moment he leaves camp? Or is it just midnight-to-midnight? Or did Sydney set specific times between which he would leave and return?

Lucille won’t show me the official file permitting Sydney to be gone for a day. I assume she threw it away the moment she got it. I guess if I really cared I’d dig through her trash . . . . well. I’ll wait to see if he gets back before resorting to that.

Hey… I haven’t gotten anyone at the nurse’s office today. You guys know that if you get hurt, you don’t have to wait for Sydney to come back, right? I am as qualified a nurse as he is. So if you scraped your knee or had a nightmare or something… I dunno. Don’t be shy.

Alright, anyway. This afternoon’s activities are… circles. Lunch is The Beast: we finally got him. And if, while you are out there in the woods, you happen across Sydney having a friendly conversation with the pink elephant man… do not even be concerned! Because… it is a completely aboveboard and official endeavor. So sayeth Lucille.

Have fun. 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[FOREST AMBIENCE]

[CLOCK TICKING]

SYDNEY

I… don’t understand why you’re telling me this… 

ELIJAH

Stay awake! The story is not yet over! You have witnessed, oh Muse, how the masses, so alike in stupidity, have scorned and dismissed you. Though blasphemous, their disregard is not irredeemable… they are not like the Architect, whose neglect is deliberate and borne of dispassion. The masses are simply foolish… trudging dumbly through their ugly lives… like cattle. They must be shepherded… and here enters the Prophet. Here enters he who has been chosen to finish the work the Architect began — to witness, understand, and immortalize your beauty! Here enters… me. I love you.

SYDNEY

I’m not… [Nervous laugh] I don’t — I’m… I’m flattered, but… Elijah. I’m not… some perfect, holy symbol… I’m- I’m just a person. 

ELIJAH

Please, my Muse… don’t speak down on yourself in this way. It may be hard for you to witness your own divinity… but I see you for what you are… a living, breathing masterpiece. A blessing unto existence itself. Everything anyone could ever love.

SYDNEY

I… okay. 

ELIJAH

I will be the one to crystalize the truth of your perfection. It is work only I can do! The cattle… they — listen to me… when they look into my eyes, they feel my passion. They become enraptured… so I will take responsibility. I will herd them — my followers, your witnesses… to the Pyre of Borrowed Sentiment. I will light the tower aflame. I will bring you… apotheosis through sleep, amidst the swirl of smoke and emotion… I will make you eternal, our perfect Muse, relaxed forever upon the Pyre. And for all time, my followers and their descendents will witness and revere you. You will be… as you were meant to be… forever beautiful… forever loved… 

SYDNEY

I… have… to go… I… I need to leave. Okay? I — [HE SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET] I’m leaving.

ELIJAH

[Chuckle] Do as you wish, my Muse. Wherever you go… I will find you… 

[SYDNEY STUMBLES THROUGH THE UNDERBRUSH]

SYDNEY

[Heavy breathing] Bye.

ELIJAH

[Sweetly] See you at the ceremony! 

[SYDNEY RUNS AWAY]

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

JEDIDIAH

Weigh in, here: would or would not you kids consider this, “the end of the day?” Dinnertime? I mean, you’re basically winding down. Doing the chill activities. In just a couple hours you’ll be in bed. So do y’all think this qualifies as the time of day when I… should… start digging through Lucille’s trash?

It’s just that —

[THE DOOR SLAMS OPEN]

…Oh.

SYDNEY

…Hi.

JEDIDIAH

Hello.

SYDNEY

I’m… uh. Sorry. Didn’t mean to bust in right in the middle of… announcements.

JEDIDIAH

No, it’s fine, it’s — it’s kind of funny, right? The announcements are always — perfectly timed for the intrusion of a significant individual.

SYDNEY

[Pretends to laugh] He-heh.

JEDIDIAH

So… how’d it go wherever you were? Are you… okay?

SYDNEY

Yeah. Uh-huh.

JEDIDIAH

[Sniffs with suspicion] Alright. Stay that way for me. And come handle the announcements. I am not in a state where I should be heard by children.

SYDNEY

Yeah. Okay.

[SYDNEY PULLS THE CHAIR OUT]

Hey kids, Sydney here. I hope you all enjoyed the return to Matthew’s good standard food, and that you didn’t get into too much trouble while I was gone. Just a casual break, don’t mind me. Uhm. Tonight’s activity is catching fireflies in a jar and using the glow to lure out the beast- what oh wait, they finally got him already. Actually. So uhm. How about in-cabin socialization, huh? That all sounds nice.

Okay, goodnight. 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[CLOCK TICKING]

…I’m going to start sleeping in the room with Jedidiah again.

[CLICK]

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Elijah Volkov was played by Ryan Henning.

Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Betsbop, Regan, and Cass Bee.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: Dear god. How it rages.

Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Twenty Eight: The Meantime with Eggs

[CLICK]

[DING]

SYDNEY

Hidey ho, campers. 8:65AM hugs us all, and the sky dawns with a sandy yellow hue, smooth and inoffensive. I hope you all slept well.

Some of you may have noticed that Matthew was mysteriously truant to his usual sunrise routine of standing in the kitchen window waggling his limbs in an apparent display of morning cheer. Before things kicked into gear this morning, Matthew and I had a discussion. He’s dead set on treating you kids to the taste of what he’s described as the rarest ingredient in Ohio — salt. So he’s taking the day off to hike the local mountains in search of just a pinch of that mythical mineral. As a result, your breakfast this morning might look… um… a bit weird . . . .

In Matthew’s stead, I’ve taken it upon myself to cook for you all. Please forgive me — I’m not a world-famous gourmet chef like Matthew is, but… for breakfast today you have ricotta hotcakes adorned with an apple smoked maple bacon glaze, scotch pancakes with sweet dukkah and a strawberry wine compote, rosemary olive oil sausage, and one boiled egg… to share, I guess. Sorry, I’m not sure how to do eggs, yknow? They’re, like, really hard 🙁

I’m sorry that it’s not what you’re used to. I know it’s lackluster. I assure you all, Matthew will be back with his beloved comfort-cooking tomorrow. 

Moving on. Inspired by the traumatic brush with astral projection the Cabin Dungbeetle kids had the other day, Lucille is implementing astral projection training to help us stand up against any kind of wide-scale psychic attack. While this is a mandatory camp drill, I don’t think… Lucille is going to be… considering her track record, particularly strict in her enforcement of this regiment. So, if you’re frightened by or allergic to the ethereal canvas on which our reality is painted, feel free to opt out.

As all of you should know, the FINCH Law states that any magic which aims to manipulate a person’s psyche must first be perceived through one of the senses. The bonfire, for instance, uses the olfactory glands to infiltrate your mindscape. Some hear the sound of magic in between crackles of static, some touch the slime on the walls of the Sanitorium and feel their thoughts melt. All this is to say that we believe the Elephant Man’s abilities rely on sight, seeing as he seems to take his mask on and off in order to dampen or exacerbate the effects.

So, the plan is that if you kids can cut off access to your senses by removing yourselves from your bodies, you’ll be immune to psychic influence. Better empty husks than fervent slaves to the elephant man’s will! In the event of a serious grounds breach, your cooperation make it easier for Lucille (who has her own tricks for resisting parapsychological powers) to do battle with an invader — such as the Elephant Man.

I wish all of you the best luck with this enterprise. I feel morally obligated to mention that Lucille’s plan for this training exercise includes exacerbating the bonfire’s fumes with nightmare powder in order to stimulate the conditions of a psychic attack, so… if any kids or counselors are particularly sensitive to, um, terror… please just stay inside today. Er, and, if any of you would like to take anti-auguric medication in advance, come see me.

I would join you all in this drill, but I’ve unfortunately been unable to astral project for a few years. I could do it fine back in college. I was great at it, in fact! But somewhere along the line, it’s become so hard for me. It’s like my soul and my body refuse to separate… 

Well, hopefully none of you have that problem!

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[CLOCK TICKING]

SYDNEY

Ghost recorder, my friend.

It’s 10:99AM. I know I usually wait till night to whine about whatever’s bothering me, and I’ve been sure to be really stringent about behaving on the announcements this time, but I, uhm, well I need to process some stuff, okay? So, I hope you won’t mind hearing me ramble a bit. 

[HE GRUNTS AS HE SHIFTS POSITIONS] 

I’m in a lot of pain right now. I mean, when am I not in pain, geeze. But it’s really something today. See, usually, I sleep in the room with Jedidiah. My bed in there is specialized to help my back. Since the fight, though, I… don’t wanna be in there… so I’ve been sleeping on one of the starchy cots in the nurse’s office. Well, trying to sleep. In and out… Hh. Crying until I’m too tired, and then crying a little more, wishing I could turn it all off and sleep. 

Geeze, I sound like a real downer. This is why I can’t just sit around. All I’ve been doing is sitting around, Ghost. You gotta be tired of it, right? I’m tired of it. 

Anyways, it’s shitty rest, but I got a good dream out of it last night. 

Listen to this… I saw that man again.

The tall man with the boyish, well-kept hair, the striking red eyes, pointed canines, and the red paisley suit. 

The man who looks kind of like Jedidiah… but only sometimes.

[Chuckle] He’s kind of handsome.

…I think.

He sat across from me on the dusty wooden floor of my old college dorm. There were papers strewn around us, covered with illegible scribbles, squigly sigils, sacred geometry, and cat doodles. The light filtering in from the window above us cast a smattering of gold flecks hanging in the air, making it harder to focus on his face. It smelled like copper and burnt dust.

“You’re troubled,” he informed me, between bites of trail mix. I nodded.

He spread his hands out, far and wide, and he said, “Spill.“

“I won’t find the journals,” I said. I played with the corner of a paper nearby, creasing it, feeling the surface sharp against my skin. 

I went on. “I’m going to be nothing again. Alone and confused.“

“Ah ah ah~” The man gave a sharp smile, the gold dust glittering in his eyes. “Silly creature. You have friends!“

I tried to object, but he cut me off. “Talented friends who invite you to dinner! Help from all walks of life. All you have to do is ask.”

I said, “All I do is ask.”

“What’s wrong with that? All I do is listen,” he rejoined, and as he spoke he pulled a knife out from behind his back. He smiled. His friendly eyes reflected on the blade’s cool surface.

I said, “I’m not sure. I should help myself, right?”

“There’s no such thing as ‘should’, darling,” he said, lifting the blade to his cheek. “There is only need… want… and will.”

“Help,” I said. 

The blood pooled slowly.

“I could use my hand instead,” he said. “It’d be more auspicious, I’m aware. But I can’t abide by the thought of damaging my fingers. Touching is too good, y’know? Rather sully my pretty smile than my ease of sensation.“

The blood ran down, gushing now, a waterfall of bursting life. Papers were soaked and dissolved. The underside of my legs began to feel warm.

“Like smoke can let you see what’s hidden, so can blood help you touch it.” He leaned far back, dipping his hair into the rising lake of sticky fluid. My chest constricted. His face spilled. The warmth spread to my knees. 

“Ahh… ” he licked his face, savoring the taste of his open cheek. “Wet and cold. Dark. Gritty. Pebbles strewn among trails of soft Elfin-green. Dangling from the underbelly of its own most valuable secret… plants growing out from under a hospital bed… oh… and there’s a short, stiff feather on the ground. Am I making sense, darling? Do you hear me?”

My clothes were soaked. The ooze was to my chin, but I felt no urge to move. The world swirled with life and color. Just before I was submerged, I asked him a question.

“What’s your name?”

His head snapped forward, his eyes lit up, and his smile tore his face in half. He lifted a happy hand.

“Up and Adam!” 

I woke up. 

…and there was blood on my cheek.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

It’s 12:81, and astral projection training is bearing fruit of mixed flavor.

Gracie Liu, the camp’s residential astral projection expert, started with the drill by gathering the kids around the bonfire and sprinkling the flame with a pinch of nightmare powder extracted from the undermines in the city of Hell, New Hampshire. Thanks to this special powder, the fumes of the fire have been steadily dispersing dark, horrific visions, leaving the gathered campers with only one option for escape: astral projecting out of their senses. Unfortunately, astral projection requires immense focus, and focus can be hard to muster when you’re experiencing an onslaught of torturous visions. This exercise is… certainly not ideal.

Cabin Tarantula Hawk resident Arthur Funsover reported the disgusting sight and smell of his own body alchemically transformed into a homunculus made of American cheese and deli meat. Cabin Silkworm resident Veronica Funsjustbegun reported being forced to sit in as a celebrity guest on a late night talk show in which the host interrogated her in an accusatory tone about the pain her mother felt during her birth. Counselor Joshua reported that the nightmare powder enabled him to remember every detail of all his past lives. All. Which was not all that nightmarish to experience, but will forever leave him to carry the emotional weight of infinite lifetimes of regret, suffering, and — perhaps most torturous of all — bygone happiness. And poor Tammy Teeth reported a vision so grotesque it even curdled my bones: the sight of herself… in France. And nobody reported a successful instance of astral projection.

…except for a few kids from the magnificently enthusiastic Cabin Dungbeetle! Natsume Shiota displayed such proficiency with the art of leaving his body behind it seemed like he’d been practicing all his life, and his cabinmate Dolly Navarro had a particularly vibrant awakening to her capacity for astral projection — in which she suddenly stood up, began blindly attacking the air as if beating back some nasty vision, and then passed right out. After Gracie called the training session done for the morning, the Dungbeetle kids even requested some extra nightmare powder so that they could continue the training on their own at a later time. What a truly inspiring show of passion!

I tried joining in at one point, as you kids should recall, unless you were too dosed up on bad omens to notice. I didn’t manage to do much besides lose myself in the visions. Nightmare Powder is always a delight — it’s so funny to watch the fumes struggle to conjure anything worse than what I’ve actually been through. Hua-ha! HA! [Cough]

That all being said… please, everyone, try to be gentle with counselor Rowan right now. It probably goes without saying, but he’s not in a state to handle much at the moment… 

[Nervous laugh] Residents of Cabin Magpie Moth, as some of the older campers around here, we’re trusting you to conduct yourselves well, but if you need help with anything that Rowan is indisposed to provide, I’m here.

Uhm. I’ve once again made lunch. Today you’re having crispy bacon and brie grilled cheese with caramelized onion and fresh basil. A white pita pizza with spinach, asiago, parmesan, fresh mozzarella, and a [HE BUTCHERES THE PRONUNCIATION] creme fraiche sauce, a citrus and mint fruit salad with blueberries, strawberries, and blackberries, and a ginger carrot soup with green onion and coriander. And uhm, a boiled egg again. I still can’t figure out what to do with those… 

Sorry that it’s not on par with Matthew’s legendary lunches… aha. I’d say I’ll get the hang of it eventually, but let’s not kid ourselves, I’ll never be him.

Stay safe out there.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Based on the conga line of miserable campers that trudged past my window  ten minutes ago, it appears today was… challenging for the lot of you. Understandably, as nightmare powder is never easy to weather, and… this whole exercise was one of my personal least favorite abuses of Lucille’s executive power. I just want you all to know that I love you, and I am here if you need anything — a hug, a pat on the back, a piece of candy… after this ritual excising of our personal demons, I offer you a room that demons are never allowed to enter. As long as I’m awake.

Also, though I hesitate to ascribe any kind of moral value to one’s willingness to undergo psychological torture, I must aside that I am once again blown away by the fortitude and dedication of the Cabin Dungbeetle kids. Each and every one of you kids have the art of astral projection down pat! You’d be our greatest assets in a psychic war! But I also want you all to understand that I am so proud of every single one of you. Whether you threw yourself into the darkness or stood your ground and denied it, you were brave today.

Uhmm. For dinner tonight, we have seared filet mignon with a Bordelaise sauce of red wine, butter, and minced shallots, garlic butter chicken cordon bleu, caramelized parmesan broccoli, roasted spring vegetables with a honey mustard sauce, creamy mashed potatoes with fresh herbs and ground pepper, and a honey-soaked baklava I started baking when I woke up this morning. Oh, and uh, a boiled egg… I’m sorry again for all the mediocre choices. I know I can’t be like Matthew, but I try my best, and what more can we hope for, right?

Oh, also, in other news. I’m actually going to be out of the office tomorrow, so don’t you all worry when you wake up and find I’m not around. There will be Jedidiah! I just have some errands to run, so thank you all for your patience. 

Alright, my buzzy little hummingbirds. Goodnight to you and yours. If I were you, I’d probably want to stop by my office and make sure all the nightmare is flushed out of your system before you sleep tonight. But I’m me, so I’m ready for whatever my brain could conjure up! C’mon, sock it to me!

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[CLOCK TICKING]

SYDNEY

Hi, ghost recorder. It’s 21:10. I know this is a little… early, but I wanted to get this done while I had the energy. Tonight… we’re gonna go find those journals.

[SYDNEY BEGINS UNSCREWING THE  SQUEAKY SCREWS OF THE VENT IN HIS OFFICE]

I’d be concerned about being seen, leaving the building at such an odd time, but… see, if… Up and Adam… is right, and Jedidiah hid the journal somewhere in the tunnels, then that’s actually perfect. 

Because there’s a way… 

[SYDNEY GRABS THE VENT COVER OFF THE WALL]

to get down there… 

[THE VENT COVER CLATTERS TO THE GROUND]

right from my office. 

It might be an uncomfortable squeeze, but… I’ve done it once before, right? 

I’m gonna pause you for now. I don’t want my voice resonating all through the vents. [Deep breath] Whisper me luck.

[CLICK]

[CLICK] 

[DRIPPING WATER WITH ECHOES] 

[SYDNEY WALKING]

[With a manic pep] I’m in!

Oh, my God. There’s something so magical about this place. Not just the concept of a… seemingly natural, earthen tunnel system below a Summer Camp, which is cool enough on its own… but also, just the vibe. The romantic secrecy! The nerve-wracking adventure! The very air down here is kind of… [Snifffff] intoxicating.

Hhaha.

Hoo… okay. Walk, walk. Pick a direction… ? Sniff the air… hahaha. [Sniff, sniff] Ooh… that way looks fun!

I feel like my senses here are so heightened! I’m drowning in… sensations. The rocks… slippery divets… haha. 

Slippery divetssss… mm. Slimy fingers with curled-up pads — ohhhhh, and it’s so cold. Really makes you appreciate the warmth the sun leaves behind for us every night. This down here is true night! True cold! True quiet! True stillness… 

Except for me. Hehe…!

[HE BEGINS TO HUM THE ICARLY THEME SONG. IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS TUNE, THE AUDIO FAST-FOWARDS WITH A FRENZIED TAPE SOUND EFFECT. IT THEN SLOWS TO A STOP]

You know, I think I’d expect Jedidiah to be guarding the journals somehow… I mean, I know he’s gotta stay up in his office, working on his… projectttt [Snicker], but… hah. What if he put a fuckin’ monster down there to guard it? Like a cerberus? [HE PRONOUNCES IT “KERBERUS”. THEN HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY] 

I mean, he’s all, like, ohhhh, I wouldn’t want to hurt you, but… hahhhhh… then he doeeees! Mahaha. But it’s emotional pain, I guess. Maybe there’s an emotional monster down there. Maybe it’s an incubussssssss… haha… 

Oh my God, what if Elijah’s down there already? Just waiting for me, and he’ll be like, [Bad Russian accent] ‘Ouhoho, you’ve passed the test, my sveet darr’link’… Hahahaha.

[HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY AGAIN.]

[THE TAPE SPEEDS UP AND SLOWS FOR A SERIES OF INTERJECTIONS: PENGUINS SQUAWKING AND SYDNEY LIGHTHEARTEDLY APOLOGIZING; SYDNEY MAKING AIRPLANE AND EXPLOSION NOISES; SYDNEY SINGING “99 VIALS OF FORMALDEHYDE ON THE WALL.” 

[IT SLOWS TO A STOP]

[Woozy] How long have I even been in here… ? Like either a thousand real-life years or two fucking minutes… not both.

… ahahaha… maybe both.

But I —

[SYDNEY YELPS AS HE SUDDENLY GETS TANGLED UP IN SOMETHING]

What the fuck — ? Ahh… aoh my God. HA HA HA HA HA! Who put all these, HAHA, fuckin’ vines here?

Haha… I feel so fuckin’ weird. It sucks! My vision is all… spiky!… and my ears are so full… and now I’m walking through an underground forest of hanging vines. What the fuck… is… ?

Ah.

[Whisper] Ghost recorder, the tunnel opened up into… the biggest cavern. And there’s vines everywhere, and there’s something… writhing up there… some kind of nasty… huge plant… looks kind of… kinda… 

[Suddenly calm] Diseased.

[Peppy] Heyyyyy! You got somethin’ there? You got somethin’ in yer hands—vines? Hey, that’s for me! No, the book! Yeah! No, I need that! Drop it… drop it… !

[SOUND OF VINES WETLY SHIFTING AND RUSTLING]

Or just… lower it, all creepy and wet, that’s fine! Yeah, there we go… down here, down here… giiiive it over… haha. Yessss. Yesssssssss. Journal get! Sydney 100, Jedidiah negative 100. Elijah, probably a billion. Hahaa! 

[Singing] SYDNEYYYYY’S GOT THE GOOOOOOODS — 

What… what the fuck is happening to my brain? [HE BEGINS TO HYPERVENTILATE AND CRY.] Where the fuck am I? I — I — I need to get out — I NEED TO GET OUT — !!!

[CLICK]

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield.

Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Anna Jett, Jessica Beck, and Antonia Hein.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: Are you ready? Why did you lie?

Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Twenty Seven: The Clock of Meantime

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

There’s an apple on the table in front of you.

Bring your hand close — but don’t touch. Do you feel the tingle of the blood gathering in your fingertips? The bridge of electricity connecting them to the surface of the object? Is your hand heavy? The truth is that it longs to make contact. It can’t tolerate the precipice you’ve set it on; it wants to jump. Gravity works harder on an empty hand.

A hand left empty quickly loses its sense of self. Have you ever awoken from a deep sleep and found yourself unable to make a fist? Somewhere between your brain and your fingers, the signal is lost. Your hand isn’t listening. It forgot itself.

I can’t make a fist. My fingers won’t curl in far enough. I’m out of luck if I need to punch something… haha. I don’t know if I’m just weak, or if my hands have been left empty for too long. I think it’s the second one, because I can still… reach out. It’s all I do. My fingers stretching and twisting and impotently flexing — brushing against the skin of the apple on the table — snatching at comfort, but never closing around it. My brain sends the signals, screams them, screams “grab it!”… but my hand isn’t listening. It’s forgotten how.

Mm… grabbing, reaching… stretching, pointing… moving, ticking. Two hands per person… two hands per clock. Now there’s a pair of hands that are never empty: they carry knowledge.

…the sky is spinning. Do you see it, too?… swirling clouds and technicolors, a whirlpool of stars… the air rushes through me, churns my blood. My desk falls from the ceiling, smashing the light fixture on the floor. Try not to think about it. Keep your heads down. Spin. Blink. Spin.

…

It’s over… 

But this is worse! Before, I was dizzy from the motion. Now, I’m dizzy with fear! I hate the quiet. I hate the calm. At least when you’re spinning, you know whether you’re gonna be spinning — I.E., you will, because you are. The quiet leaves you no such assurances. There’s a swelling tension in the still… electrons begging to orbit. Hands begging to make contact, to wrap around me, to rip me apart. To tick. To tock. To measure the passage of time by the droplets of water that fall out the faulty faucet. Those empty moments inbetween just seem to taunt me. It’s fucking anxiety inducing. If the tap would just run, would just wash me away already… 

I must be sick. 

…There’s a clock on the table in Jedidiah’s office.

It’s hewn of pale green quartz, lightning-struck with veins of gray and hugged on each side by petrified wings. There’s a jagged, circular sort of crest at the top … and the clock face is like a window to the sky. I imagine it’s spinning now. The look of it is burnt into my mind, its body shimmering dully in the low light, starlight bursting forth from its face. I can’t… get it out of my head. 

At what age do they start giving timekeeping classes in school these days… ? Ah, just in case… let me tell you a bit about clocks. It’s impossible to build a clock out of anything other than quartz. Any other substance simply… doesn’t tick. Human ingenuity means we live in a time where clocks can be convincingly carved and colored to resemble any material under the sun, but they all feel the same to the touch. I don’t think scientists agree on why that is, but from what I recall of Jedidiah’s theory, it’s something to do with quartz’s… flexible attitude. No other mineral is willing to try and keep up with the ever-shifting lengths of our modern 25-26-100 hour days.

Clockmakers sure have their work cut out for them, huh? I’m sure that’s why Jedidiah wishes he was one so badly.

Anyways… this pale green clock with the clouds floating across its face. Jedidiah once called it the Clock of Meantime. I wonder what it says right now?

Well. Bye.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Jedidiah told me, once, about how he got it. The Clock of Meantime, that is.

It was a dull, menial night about a year ago. We were sitting together in his office, chatting warmly and sharing a cup of hot milk. I remember the way Jedidiah’s office smelled; like wood dust, papers, and extra-strength antiperspirant. I loved these nights. Generally, on nights like these, he’d be pretty quiet and rub my shoulders while I would run on about the events of the day, or my newest record-setting gardening accomplishments, or my arts and crafts projects. But nearing midnight, on this night, he curled his fingers around my wrist and murmured this story. All the while, I lived in his voice, staring at the hands of the clock and the starlight they held, letting his tired murmur massage the wrinkles in my brain. I remember every word. 

“Do you want to know how I got that one?” he said. 

“Oh, yes,” I nodded. The only times I ever really get to hear Jedidiah talk is when he volunteers to tell me a story, or asks if I want to hear about something he finds interesting. In this case, it was both. It was rare Jedidiah would ever confide things in me. I was always immensely grateful when he’d start talking. I remember every word.

JEDIDIAH

“It was two years ago,” 

SYDNEY

He’d said. 

JEDIDIAH

“It was back when I thought I’d never see you again. I’m… floating through my existence. No anchor. My hands empty, my fingers limp. The days blend together like… gummy bears left in a hot car. Just a sticky, sickly-sweet chunk. I stuff it into my mouth all at once just to get it over with, and it makes me sick.

[AS JEDIDIAH TALKS, DISTANT TRAIN HORNS SOUND QUIETLY BEHIND EERIE MUSIC]

I’m in a wheat field with a man to my left. He’s big, slightly taller than average, a little more so wider than average. But strong. He’s buried in trench coats and scarves and the smoke from his pipe, but you can tell he’s strong by looking at his hands and his eyes. Fist-forming hands. Railroad-uprooting eyes.

I don’t know who he is, but he acts like an old friend.

‘Beautiful sunrise,’ he remarks.

There is no sun. The sky is just cracked, like a clock on the floor. I try to remember how long I’ve been sitting here in the shadow of the fractured moon, but all I can think about is the railroad. It cuts through the crops, weaving and winding in and out of sheaths of wheat. The same day train has been rushing by for hours now, ringing and rattling in the fuzzy night. I try to count the train cars.

I lose track.

Strong man won’t stop looking at me with his railroad-uprooting eyes. Uprooting me. I want to fight, but I can’t make a fist. My hands have been limp for too long.

Look at the sky. Don’t look at him. Don’t give a shit what he does in my periphery. Nod and agree — oh, lovely sunrise — blame the trembling on the chilly air.

The man blows smoke out his teeth. ‘Y’like pork?’ he asks.

No. I don’t. I can never eat pork again. I feel sick. I nod at him. He’s making me dinner later. I look at the sky. The stars look like traintracks. I try to count the stars.

There are only two that matter.

Strong man got me a gift. “Saw this and thought of you.”

It’s a green clock. Atop it, a cardinal dances, singing and tapping at the clock face with its beak. The hands wind together as they spin. I think of train tracks. The cardinal sings louder.

I remember why I’m here. I want to cry.

“Thank you very much, sir,” I say. 

Strong man laughs out smoke. “So formal… Well, I’ll see ya later. Don’t lose track’a this, then.” He taps the clock’s side and stands back up. The cardinal sings louder.

I stick my fingers in my ears. It’s ringing. I can’t make out what it says. Strong man looks at me. I look at the sky. A horn sounds. The sky finally shatters, and I slip through the cracks.

… 

[THE DISTANT TRAIN SOUNDS AGAIN, NOW LOUDER. THE NOISE OF THE PASSING TRAIN OVERTAKES JEDIDIAH’S WORDS, BEFORE QUIETING]

And next thing I knew…” 

SYDNEY

Jedidiah tells me 

JEDIDIAH

“I was alone in an empty room, cradling the clock to my chest… I remembered the strong man, and I remembered my father. I reached for my phone, and my fingers curled around it.”

SYDNEY

He didn’t talk much after that. The night became my voice once again. 

…

Well. Alright.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Wanna know what it does? 

JEDIDIAH

It counts down the time remaining until the next big event.

SYDNEY

Jedidiah told me. There’s little to parse from that. The next event relative to whom?

JEDIDIAH

[distressed] I never know. It could be me. It could be you. It could be… I don’t know! I feel like I could if I just… focused. I used to be so good at reading clocks. But it’s always counting down, Sydney. 

I remember when I got back home, Sydney. I remember my father’s strong hands folded across his stomach. I wanted to think he was sleeping… but he was so cold. His skin felt just like… there were more stars in the sky than I remembered, and my mouth tasted like copper rails.

[A CLOCK TICK GROWS LOUD]

I’d given him sips of my story like pokeweed juice. I knew it. I knew it. And that goddamn clock… was… ringing. Maybe if I’d have been able to read it . . . . but I can’t, I still can’t read it. I hear the way it whispers to me… it’s taunting me, Sydney! 

I sit next to him for hours, frozen, just like with… there were more bushes in the front yard than I remembered. I heard horns sounding from the abandoned train track. And I hear the clocks whisper. Everything was wrong, I got wrong… I should’ve known. But I didn’t! I don’t know it! I could. I have to… 

His skin turned as gray as… I swallowed the acid I’d coughed up, and relished how it burnt my throat. I’d never spit this up again. I’d let it dissolve me before I let another heart stop. Sydney, listen to me. I love you. I’ll dissolve, okay? I’ll shatter like glass. Like the face of a clock, and it whispers, Sydney, so please don’t listen… I love you… 

[WINDCHIMES SOUND]

I couldn’t handle the body. I can’t handle the body. I walk away from the body. And most nights I don’t think about it… but sometimes there’s a rumbling under my desk, cold and distant like metal wheels through the mountain, spinning like the hands on the clocks that — if I could just know if I could just know if I could just know if I could just know if I could just know if I could just know—

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[NIGHTTIME FOREST AMBIENCE]

[HESITANT STEPS IN THE GRASS]

ELIJAH

There you are, darling, kept me waiting! Behind the trees, now, behind the trees — wouldn’t want anyone seeing us, now —

SYDNEY

Nobody’s gonna see us, Elijah, it’s like 3am.

ELIJAH

You never know, honeypot, you never know. Your co-nurse and your camp director, I never catch them sleeping, and they’re the last people we’d want on your case right now. But I digress — have you brought the texts?

SYDNEY

Right… about that. [breathes] Jedidiah caught me in the act.

ELIJAH

Oh, dear… 

SYDNEY

He got mad. Really mad. It… hurt. The way he talked is haunting.

ELIJAH

Oh, sweetheart… oh, pumpkin. Don’t fret so. All is never lost! Not for you; not for one so loved by the world… by me. If you stumble, there will always be a tree to lean against … if you fall, the soft soil of the Earth will catch you. You are always fine. You can stand up, dust yourself off, and get back to walking, hmmmm? So that’s what you’ve got to do. For now, don’t worry about what that man thinks. A foolish clockmaker who can’t comprehend his own words doesn’t deserve your fret.

SYDNEY

No, that… he moved the journals to a secret location. I can’t just go grab them now, I have no idea where they are! And wherever they are, Jedidiah is probably going to be standing guard.

ELIJAH

Aren’t you an oracle? The smoke gives you knowledge, of the sort which the clocks pointedly refuse to give me?

SYDNEY

It doesn’t work that way. The smoke — it — it just kind of carries knowledge — in it, so when it wafts through me, so does the knowledge. But it’s — incidental. Passive data about the world around me. I can’t just get any answer I want, and I definitely can’t use it to ferret out information that’s hidden from me. 

ELIJAH

But you’re you! You can figure it out, I’m sure.

SYDNEY

I… you’re sure?

ELIJAH

I have faith in you, dear. Feed off of that, and have a little faith in yourself… 

[HE BEGINS WALKING AWAY]

SYDNEY

… Alright. If — hey! Where are you going already!? Hey — come back!?

ELIJAH

[Laughing] Ta-ta~

[CLICK]

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Elijah Volkov was played by Ryan Henning. 

Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Tunny Parrish, Dharma, and Teddy Odrhan.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: hot tea with honey is good for sore throats.

Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Twenty Two: The Hunt of the Clock

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Morning of mornings, campers! It’s 8:62AM and the sky dawns on a… light, dusty orange color, swirled with darker rosettes. One of the tesseractoid God-Beasts residing in the ontosphere must have spilled a packet of eldritch fruit punch powder all over the sky. How tropical-flavored!

So, the most immediately relevant announcement of the morning is this: the river which sprung up around camp yesterday has, per the concerns of many, disappeared as mysteriously as it carved itself into the land. Construction crews covertly called in by Lucille report that they were halfway through building a bridge last night when the waters seemed to rapidly evaporate, rising into the air as an impossibly thick fog. Then, the soaking construction workers were beset with an incredibly localized earthquake as the ground around camp pushed past itself and sealed all up. Before anyone could get a grip on what the heck was going on, the river… was gone. So now we’ve got a new camp landmark in the form of that half-built bridge! Also, the fog from the river appears to have risen into the sky and made for a particularly interesting cloud formation. If you look at it from just the right angle… it looks exactly like the words, “see you next year.”

Whatever that means!

Now, onto the fun stuff.

Today, my flighty little finches, is the long-awaited rock climbing day! After a hard-fought and horrifically expensive petition from your counselors, Lucille has picked up her dusty old cellphone and ordered three tall, candy-colored rock walls from the nearest municipal center. They were installed in the middle of the sports field last night, and now they stand, stretching up towards the morning sun, taunting God and beckoning children for miles around to strap in and get a grip. They’re not quite as impressive as the towers you built last week, my loves… but they are much taller and much more dangerous, so it’s still pretty exciting to have them. 

Each wall dwarfs the last in height and might. The first is Wall Deep, sturdy of base and stark of face. You may be confused when you first approach this wall — its exterior appears completely smooth, with no grips to speak of! Ah, but merely stroke the shockingly squishy surface and all will be revealed. Try not to scream as the wall grabs and consume you — it’s a perfectly breathable material, and there’s absolutely no danger of getting yourself trapped in the fleshy membrane forever… as long as you stay calm. Once you’ve been fully absorbed, you’ll find yourself in a hollow space inside the structure, and the walls around you will be — surprise surprise! Lined with grips! Now, get climbing, because that’s the only way out, and I’m not sure what’ll happen to you if you’re still in there when the walls get shipped out tomorrow.

The second is Wall Safe, that venerable teacher. It appears in all ways to be a typical rock wall — typical grips, typical spike traps, typical boss battles — but if you can reach the top, you’ll be greeted with an old, rusty silver bell which, if struck, will produce a very special sound. Instead of a ringing noise, the bell will emit precise instructions on how to prevent the early death of one of your loved ones, in a clear, androgynous voice which speaks your native language. But here’s the trick — every time the bell is rung, the wall grows just a little bit taller, leaving the child next in line with a slightly more daunting climb. Better line up quick if you want a chance at hearing that juicy prophecy!

Lastly, we have Wall Isolated, purveyor of the infinite thrill. The peak of Wall Isolated stretches high past the clouds. What’s at the top? Why, another rock wall, of course! No one knows how many rock walls upon rock walls there really are — but if the recursion is truly infinite, as the epitaph suggests, then the walls must stretch far into the unfathomable depths of space. What happens when they brush the edge of the endlessly expanding universe? Perhaps they go on, repeating and repeating again. Perhaps this wall is our only bridge to whatever lies beyond the reality we can perceive.

Gosh, that sounds fun! I would join you kids and give Wall Isolated a shot, except I’m not sure that I’m strong enough to grip these days. My muscles are like violin strings! HAHA!

By the by, some of you kids may have noticed Counselor Joshua acting… a bit weirdly, even by Joshua standards. Well, my bullfrogs, let me tell you: he’s been like that all morning. Before the sun rose today, I got up irritatingly early for prep work only to discover Joshua was already awake, watching the rock climbing walls get wheeled into camp. He sighed, pinched his temple, and muttered something about being so tired. I asked if he’d gotten any sleep, to which he replied gravely with, [Mocking Joshua’s voice] “Yeah. I’m not trying the stay-awake-until-it-passes thing anymore. Even if that was gonna work… I have to stay in it so I can help you all.”

After that, Joshua wandered off, muttering something about “doing everything right this time.” How utterly enigmatic! I am honestly rather impressed, because usually Joshua really struggles at muttering cryptically, and it’s nice to see him come into his own with that skill. Anyway, ever since then, Joshua has been uncharacteristically… thoughtful, running around preventing accidents and lending helping hands left and right. He even offered me a tissue several minutes before I felt the need to sneeze. Talk about anticipating my needs! But, it’s honestly getting kind of annoying. Don’t I at least have the right to sneeze without some entitled man coming along and trying to “save me?”

Well, in any case, he’ll probably stop if we just ignore him, so don’t pay him any mind today. Unless it’s to make fun of him.

Now then! Today’s breakfast is sunflower seeds coated in a mixture of powdered sugar and raw flour; another southern home-cooked classic! Glad to see Matthew’s been expanding his cultural palette. Dig in! And have fun climbing those walls, kids!

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Hey, kids. It’s 12:78 and I think I speak for everyone when I say: Joshua’s newfound obsession with being helpful has gotten seriously unbearable.

As the afternoon sky set in, the world darkened to a glittery spice brown, and Joshua appeared to be gripped by an ever-mounting urgent need to prevent as much suffering as possible. At many points in the morning, this manifested as him shepherding kids away from Wall Safe, pontificating about the futility of fighting fate and the pointless agony of thinking you can. And it’s like, why do you get to be the gatekeeper, man? Learning the terrible truth is a rite of passage! A natural goalpost in the path through adolescence! Everyone deserves the right to ring that bell, even if what they hear might destroy their psyche permanently.

Joshua and Jedidiah even got into a fight over this at one point. All morning, Jedidiah had been unable to stop himself from repeatedly glancing over at Wall Safe, then forcing his eyes shut and muttering, “I don’t need it anymore. I don’t need it anymore.” Ultimately, though, its allure seemed too powerful for him to resist. Finally, he trekked over to attempt the climb, only for Joshua to intervene. The shouting match was stupendous, but it ended all of a sudden when Joshua quietly said something that made Jedidiah freeze, turn around, and walk back to his office. 

So that’s… hm. Well. That was certainly that.

The most aggravating incident of all, though, was Joshua’s interference with Matthew’s cooking process. It started with relatively unobtrusive gestures, such as when Joshua pointed out that Matthew was mistakenly preparing to put arsenic in the stew instead of paprika. I’m sure Matthew would be capable of making a poison-based dish delicious, of course, but I admit it’s probably for the best that he didn’t have to try. But Joshua’s interference quickly turned into micromanagement; with the man obsessing over every ingredient, every swirl of the big stew spoon, until he had to be dragged out of the kitchen kicking and screaming.

At this point, I was no longer able to feign a lack of interest in Joshua’s bizarre behavior, so I invited him into the nurse’s office and asked him what his deal was. He was initially reluctant to share, whining, “you won’t believe me.” After I assured him that I would, indeed, believe him, Joshua, slumping over with fatigue and despair, explained:

“I’ve lived this same day dozens of times. At dinnertime, the entire camp will be ripped apart on a molecular level, and then the day will start over. I thought I was placed in this time loop to save everyone, but I’ve tried everything I can think of, I’ve done everything right, and nothing ever changes. Sydney… I’m so tired. How many times do I have to watch you all die?’

…okay. I think I speak for all of us when I say… I am not impressed with this explanation. Like, come on. Here’s some advice for your next time loop, Joshua: camp protocol when you foresee an impending cataclysm is to run around the campgrounds, wild-eyed and matty-haired, hoarsely declaring that the end is nigh. That way, everyone can work together to respond to the situation! Camp protocol does not say you should run around disheveled, muttering cryptically and attempting to prevent disaster all on your own. Who do you think you are, some kind of protagonist? What a tool. I’m sorry for how he’s been acting, kids; there’s no excuse.

So, kids, looks like we’ll have to take matters into our own hands. I’ve enlisted Rowan to run around ranting about the coming disaster in Joshua’s stead. As a bonus activity for anyone who gets tired of rock climbing, I’ll be opening up a community-wide Timeloop Deconstruction Brainstorming Forum in the Camp Agora. Come chat with me if you’ve got any ideas! Or if you just wanna chat! I… I would love to chat.

Anyway, since Joshua messed up the lunch Matthew had planned for us, your lunch for today will be… ketchup and mustard. Hey, it’s not too bad! You know, when I was a kid, a large portion of my daily diet consisted of complimentary condiment packets from the school cafeteria. I was so malnourished, [Chuckles lightly] I’d take all the free nutrients I could get! And when the other kids saw my ratty little self slurping soy sauce straight from the packet, they’d point and laugh. They just didn’t understand.

Anyways, I’d hate for you all to go unsatisfied, so if you aren’t happy with sauce for lunch, you’re welcome to come visit the nurse’s office and help yourself to my candy drawer. Just leave enough for everyone else! I also have a sneaking suspicion that the flesh of Wall Deep might be edible. Perhaps we can convince Matthew to investigate that.

Alright, you kids have fun out there!

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Tick… tock… tick… tock… ding ding ding! Dinnertime! And would you look at that — we are all still alive here at 19:03pm!

But why? Did Joshua get something right and save us all? Did our collective brainstorming initiative pay off? Well… not quite. Apparently… Jedidiah figured it out all by himself. Yeah. Lame, huh?

When Joshua informed Jedidiah that he had been trapped in a time loop — which was apparently the thing that Joshua told Jedidiah to end their fight earlier, kind of an anticlimactic reveal, huh? — well, Jedidiah was instantly suspicious. I don’t blame him — some campers will recall that a major, if not the major, point of discussion in our Delooping Forum was the question of why the heck would Joshua of all people get trapped in his own, bespoke time loop? After all, he is nobody’s protagonist. Jedidiah came to the same conclusion as we did: that Joshua must have gotten trapped in the loop by chance. But then what was the source? Jedidiah had a clue. But rather than bring his theory to the group, he set out to confirm things on his own.

While our group spent a fruitless but fun hour investigating the possibility that the time loop might be caused by a malfunction in the technology Yvonne uses to host her gamer hours, which is highly unstable and unwelcome in the all-natural environment of Camp Here & There, Jedidiah used his government-grade quartz power tools to carve off a chunk of Wall Safe and took it back to his office. While our group explored the sanatorium in hopes that some kind of ancient artifact with temporal effects might have been dislodged by the pipe system, Jedidiah placed the wall chunk under various whimsically shaped microscopes and borrowed books from Lucille’s extensive library of magic. Then, suddenly, before anyone could ask after it, the rock walls were being taken apart and carted away.

But why? As outcry rose up amongst those campers who were still busy enjoying the impractical heights of Wall Isolated, I approached Jedidiah, who seemed to be directing the men as they moved the walls out of camp. Upon being asked, he casually informed me that he’d personally determined the rock walls to be the cause of the time loop.

Okay… so you didn’t think to tell us that before you started dismantling them?

Apparently, the rock walls were made of a peculiar species of conjugated limestone — a material only quarried from a mysterious site in the Siberian Wilderness. This quarry apparently plays home to a variety of creatures which have otherwise been extinct for millions of years, such as brontosauruses and hamsters. These limestone obelisks, resonating with one another in an evenly spaced line, combined to form a sort of metaphysical “haunted house” for neutron particles, causing them to become frightened and move backwards, thus creating the effect of reversed time.

As for the molecular calamity that Joshua claims he experienced every dinnertime, it was simply the neutrons becoming panicked and moving in a volatile manner, an experience which humans apparently perceive as a full-body pain more intense than anything you could ever, ever, ever, ever possibly imagine. And, since Jedidiah had the rock walls wheeled out of camp before the time distortion could take effect, none of us will ever have to know what that’s like! Except Joshua, who experienced it dozens of times.

So, yeah… cool discovery, I guess. Great job saving us all, and everything… except, why’d he have to go about it in such a self-centered way? None of you got to share in the pride of conquering an impossible obstacle. You just got something taken away, and nobody told you why.

Well, anyway… as for Joshua. Apparently, the metal in his retainer was coincidentally worked from Siberian limestone as well, so it resonated with the walls in a unique way. In other words, his awareness of the loops was a total fluke! And the whole time, he thought he had to save everyone to end the loop! But it had literally nothing to do with him as a person! Isn’t that hilarious? Oh, Joshua. You may be a thorn in my side, but at least you’re a constant source of levity around here.

Haha… I can see him through the window now. Ever since Jedidiah’s announcement, he’s just been slumped against the wall outside the cafeteria, looking defeated. Look at him, he’s standing up… looking around, haha, so shocked… and… oh. Huh. Now he’s fallen back to the ground, slamming his fists on the grass and sobbing… a case of male hysteria, maybe? Let me try and read his lips… something about… [HE RECITES JOSHUA’S WORDS IN A MOCKING TONE] ‘what was this all for… what could I possibly have learned from this… God, universe, whatever’s out there, why did you put me through this… blah blah blah.’

Jeesh. What a downer. Rejoice! We live to see the next calamity. 🙂

Tonight’s dinner is piranha teeth stuffed in pufferfish, all boiled in oil. When you bite, it bites back! Woo! [HE SMACKS THE TABLE] Vegans get more mustard. 

Tonight’s activity is an in-cabin rest. We all could use some rest now and then, huh campers? And though the nurse’s building generally welcomes 24-hour access, it’s closed tonight for maintenance. Sorry! Try not to act too unrestful during your rest. So please, campers, rest right and rest well… for there is nothing so privileged as the feeling of true, deep, rest…

[CLICK]

SYDNEY
Hiiiii… ghost recorder. It’s 2:01 AM… I’ve been waiting as patiently as possible, and Jedidiah has finally gotten up to go to the bathroom. If all goes according to plan, he’ll find that the only toilet in this building is mysteriously out of operation, and he’ll have no choice but to trek out to the sanatorium. That should give me enough time.

He always locks his door at night, but he can be pretty scatterbrained, and I figure he wouldn’t lock it for a simple bathroom trip. This is probably my only opportunity to look for the journals… let’s hope he gets a bit lost in there.

Obviously, a part of me doesn’t like doing this… but I really don’t feel like I have any other option at this point but to… figure out the truth, by any means possible. With all the stuff Elijah said, and the way Jedidiah’s been acting this Summer… the secret, illegal packages, the bizarre outbursts, on top of the emotional distance… I’m not- not- I’m not an idiot. There’s something huge going on that seriously involves me. I can’t just sit on that knowledge, and he’s not gonna talk to me, so…

[HE TRIES THE DOORKNOB; THE DOOR OPENS. AS HE ENTERS THE ROOM, THE SOUND OF VARIOUS CLOCKS TICKING GROWS LOUDER] 

A-haaa… I’m in. Alright, let’s see here. Whoa… is that a chunk of Wall Isolated? What the fuck does he want with that?

Agh… focus, focus. If I had to guess, I’d say the safe would be…

[HE SHUFFLES ABOUT; MOVES THE PAINTING TO THE SIDE] 

Haah. Behind the framed portrait of Jerry Lawson. Of course.

Okay. Hmmm. Okay. Simple combination lock. Six-letter code. Figured it’d be a little more than this, considering he called in his black market ties to get this set up… hm. Okay, six letters… a date? His birthday? 

[SIX CLICKING SOUNDS, THEN A NEGATORY BEEP] 

No, it wasn’t gonna be that simple. Damn, this thing is digital; tt’s probably going to start going off if I get it wrong too many times. Okay. I have to really think about this.

…My birthday? …The first day of camp? His first day of college? Or…

[A PAUSE.]

No.

[SIX SLOWER CLICKING SOUNDS, THEN A POSITIVE BEEP. THE SAFE OPENS WITH AN ELECTRONIC WHIRR. SYDNEY REACHES IN AND GRABS THE JOURNALS.]

SYDNEY

Oh my God.

[THE SAFE DOOR CLUNKS.]

JEDIDIAH

Sydney.

SYDNEY

Sssshit.

JEDIDIAH

…Somehow, I never thought this would happen. I really am an idiot.

SYDNEY

…Jedidiah… I’m sorry.

JEDIDIAH

It’s fine. This is my fault. Can you put the journal back?

SYDNEY

…Can you tell me what’s in it?

JEDIDIAH

If I could just tell you, why would I care whether you read it?

SYDNEY

Can you tell me why you can’t tell me?

JEDIDIAH

…

SYDNEY

I have to know. I’m going to find out, one way or another.

JEDIDIAH

It’s not safe. Just… knowing… could put you in danger.

SYDNEY

I’m already in danger, aren’t I?

JEDIDIAH

In danger of learning about it!

SYDNEY

…Are you saying… the only reason you don’t want me around the Elephant Man… is because he might tell me your secrets?

JEDIDIAH

That’s — a simplification — 

SYDNEY

Well, I’m going to learn from him if I don’t learn from you.

JEDIDIAH

Sydney, please.

SYDNEY

You can’t expect me to just sit around, content with knowing nothing anymore! Whatever you don’t want to tell me… it’s ruined our relationship. I-I kind of feel like it’s ruining my life. At this point… I just need to understand what the hell is happening to me. 

JEDIDIAH

You won’t be safe!

SYDNEY

What if I’m okay with that?

JEDIDIAH

I’m not!

SYDNEY

You don’t get to make that decision for me!

JEDIDIAH

I can’t let it happen. I’m sorry. I can’t lose you…

SYDNEY

…You can’t lose me. But you can’t stand to be around me.

JEDIDIAH

That’s not true —

SYDNEY

And where does that leave me?

JEDIDIAH

It’s more complicated than that —

SYDNEY

If you get everything you want. Here I am. No autonomy. No compassion or support. No idea why.

JEDIDIAH

I can’t afford to be around you! Fuck! I’m- I’m sorry. I knew this would happen! I knew if you — I — I am sorry. You were doomed the day I let you get close enough to even find out these journals existed. I knew if I gave you anything, you’d — latch on, you’d never give up trying —

SYDNEY

Don’t make this out like it’s my fault!

JEDIDIAH

You’re the one who doesn’t care about your own safety, b-by your admission.

SYDNEY

You’re the reason I’m unhappy enough to say that!

JEDIDIAH

…

SYDNEY

…I’m-I’m-I’m-I’m sorry. That wasn’t okay. I know that, you — I’m sorry.

JEDIDIAH

Give me the journals.

SYDNEY

I want to talk about it. Jedidiah — I-I want to talk about it.

JEDIDIAH

I’m going to take them out of your hands.

[BEAT. THEN JEDIDIAH DOES SO.]

JEDIDIAH

You’re not going to find these again.

[JEDIDIAH EXITS THE ROOM.]

[CLICK]

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Jasmine Tyrrell, AllyMichele, Milo, Madeline, and Danielle Villalobos.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: legally, I am alive

Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Twenty Five: The Hatred of the Hunt

[CLICK] 

SYDNEY

Hey there, campers! It’s 8:62, and the blazing white light of the sun rising over the horizon is being refracted in all directions by the silvery sky, the misty air, and the glassy water. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t like lotion,  now would be the time to work up the courage to apply some sunscreen. Or at least, like, stay indoors. These are pure UV rays bouncing around camp right now. They will peel you like a banana.

As many of you are probably aware, the source of all that mist is our new, exciting river! It extends out from the lake, winds around the campgrounds in a perfect semicircle, then meets the lake again at the other end. The river is extremely narrow, with barely enough room to execute a breaststroke across its width; yet it’s so deep that nobody can see or touch the bottom, despite the surface being completely clear. Also, it’s utterly still and apparently devoid of life, despite the fact that the lake which seems to be its watersource is a rollicking hotbed of creepy critters. Isn’t that funny?

Mila and Juno have both braved the reticent rapids, both of them leaping into the river fully-clothed the moment they noticed it this morning, and the two of them do not appear to have developed any negative symptoms — yet. Lucille has Jedidiah running tests on the chemical content of the river, so we’ll soon find out if it’s actually water. 

I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say that I’m most curious about how it got here! The pristine semicircular design smacks of manmade origin, but the kind of magic which would be necessary to carve a river into the Earth by force is the stuff of legend, and I seriously doubt anyone in Ohio can do anything like that. A supremely talented witch could try to negotiate with the Earth — to convince the ground that it’s in its best interest to change in some way. But who has the charisma to pull off an entire river? And why would they want to do this in the first place? Perhaps it’s a natural phenomenon after all.

Anyway, if anyone really needs to go out into the forest today, the river is probably safe to swim across, assuming you know how to swim. Even still, I’d not recommend it — veteran Campers who were around for the Fogswath two years ago will be familiar with the Beasts of the Brume, those pesky pheasant-like creatures which are spontaneously generated by foggy environments and whose notable features include skin which is too loose, pores which are too gaping, and a hypercompetitive fraternal culture which venerates spelling bee champions as legendary heroes. Yes, they’re back, lurking in the thick fog which has settled over the forest, and they’re hungry for a sense of intellectual superiority. It could be that we chose the absolute worst day on which to schedule the annual Camp Here & There spelling bee. You kids better brush up!

There’s another concern on my mind, though. A problem which could be a lot more serious than magically generated rivers and birds with academic superiority complexes. There’s a sound reverberating from far in the distance — a sound quite unfamiliar to the denizens of this forest, or any forest around. I’ve brought in Juniper, a local expert who has something he wants to share with you all.

JUNIPER

Thank you kindly, Brother Syd!

SYDNEY

[Giggling] You’re so welcome.

JUNIPER

Well, kids and countrymen, a day has arrived. ‘Tis a day which I thought I’d never see in this country, but it seems the American Dream withers rapidly in the steely sights of The Hunt! That’s right, children — I’ve invoked its ancient name. This morning I spotted a shining silver fox in the middle of the camp — that is, a silver creature of the vulpine variety; not a handsome, aging man. The presence of this creature can only mean but one thing — !

The Hunt is coming.

[A MOMENT OF SILENCE.]

SYDNEY

What is “the Hunt”?

JUNIPER

Jolly good question, innit? I’ve asked myself the very same thing, oh, many a time. The scientific answer is that the Hunt is a squad, a cabal, of roving immortals, cursed to spend eternity in a state of maddening pursuit. A group of dashing, hollering men in many-layered coats and period-appropriate wigs and those riding pants with the absurdly large, protruding pockets; accompanied always by their raving bloodhounds; doomed to chase that shining silver fox until the end of days, and then some. They are as likely to catch her as they are to relent — which is to say, they will not. Do either of those things.

SYDNEY

Fascinating.

JUNIPER

You could call it that. They’re mighty rambunctious fellows, the Hunters. Wherever they go, havoc follows.

SYDNEY

Nice! 

JUNIPER

Now, historically the only redeeming factor to these fellows was that they could not cross water. Some little caveat of their immortality, I reckon. They should’ve read the fine print. Anyway, this hydrophobia meant that the Hunters and all their chaos were confined to their island of origin. However — ! It seems they’ve somehow made it to America. Perhaps this means Britain is no longer an island? 

Whatever the cause, since the fox is here, the Hunt is coming, which is, of course, terrible news; imagine the kind of mess they’ll make.

SYDNEY

What about the river that showed up around camp? If they can’t cross water, then we’re totally safe.

JUNIPER

Ahhhh, yes, the river. Mighty coincidence, that. Rather strains my suspension of disbelief. Isn’t it all too convenient how, just before we’re invaded by rowdy toffs, the campgrounds suddenly acquire a moat? I just don’t believe it was by the whims of Mother Nature. You ask me, it’s another side-effect of that history museum. And you shouldn’t want anything to do with it! I say we escort that silver fox off the grounds as quickly as possible, before the lot of us get all tangled up in a nasty old cobweb of nasty old magic!

SYDNEY

Well, I don’t want to just toss the poor thing out there where it can keep getting harassed by those antique jerks! They’ve been chasing it around for centuries. Doesn’t it deserve to rest for a while?

JUNIPER

Sydney, mate, your intentions are noble, but trust me, the delicate relationship between the Hunt and its fox is best left undisturbed.

SYDNEY

It’s a harmful one. She must be so scared, y’know? I’m going to invite her into my office.

JUNIPER

You’re going to harbor the Hunt’s silver fox?

SYDNEY

I think I am.

JUNIPER

Well. The prospect of that is horrific, but honestly, I’m on my third week without decent coffee, and I don’t rightly have the energy to try and stop you. Best of luck with this barmy scheme, old friend! Hope you don’t get us all killed.

[JUNIPER RISES FROM HIS CHAIR AND WALKS AWAY]

SYDNEY

Thank you, Juniper! It’s an honor to have your support.

(ahem) For today’s breakfast we have an eel’s head stuck upon a 500-year-old sword and slathered with pea mush — a hometown delicacy suggested by Juniper. He says they call it “scrumpledydumps!” Aaaaaand for this morning’s activity, we have the spelling bee — although it’s more like a spelling wasp with how aggressive we get! Remember, on top of your sun lotion you should apply a layer of spelling lotion — the lotion we all apply before we spell things, every single time. Goooood luck!

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Welcome to food, campers! The sky is a blinding kaleidoscope, and all I taste is fire! Let’s give it up for 12:85!

I know you sweet little firehawks are worrying yourself silly about the state of the beautiful silver fox who found herself on our campgrounds this misty morning. Though I think you all gave her a good fright earlier, with all that clamoring to peek into the nurse’s office and get a good look at her, I’m happy to report that she seems healthy, energetic, and quite sweet! But she hides whenever someone else enters the room, and it takes quite a bit of doing to coax her back into the open afterwards, so please, only enter the nurse’s office if you require my ameliorative services. For the time being, Vixen Visitation is not available.

And I imagine some of you are wondering how I managed to convince this magnificent creature to join me in my office in the first place! It was a simple matter of knowing my animal handling, really. As any two-bit park ranger could tell you, there’s nothing foxes find more intriguing and alluring than astronomy, and I figured that the silver fox would be no different, though she may be centuries old and from a completely different continent. And my suspicions proved correct! All I had to do was wobble my celestial maps around in the window a few times, and she hungrily leapt inside.

She’s such a darling creature, although I’m still working on learning how to take care of her. I haven’t figured out what she eats, or if this eternal and possibly purely magical creature even needs to eat — but I have figured out where she likes to be scratched! But I’ll never tell you. That’s between her and me.

I tell you, kids, I keep looking over at that fox, curled up in a kid-sized cot, and… just the sight nearly moves me to tears, every time. Y’know… small animals like her, they’ve got hard enough lives already. Even without being… eternally cursed to get chased around in circles… constantly tired, constantly afraid, not even allowed to die… and — and you know what pisses me off the most? It’s not even her curse! She’s just an accessory to the Hunt’s curse! She’s faced with an eternity of torment and it’s not even about her. She’s just a hapless tool. And she gets no say. She doesn’t get anything at all. Everything in her life is just overwhelmed by pain, and fear, and the never ending struggle to avoid it.

… Moving on. We were all a bit worried about this year’s spelling bee, what with the ghastly Beasts of the Brume skulking and squawking just out of sight, ready to pounce on any crucible of intellect we might dare erect. But our good friend Counselor Rowan pulled through, as we learned when he emerged from the tunnel entrance on the edge of the sports field with some unlikely allies in tow: a horde of penguin footsoldiers, sporting intricate warpaint and man-sized claymores. Many of us immediately attempted to flee or hide, as the memory of the brutal massacre the penguins perpetrated at the beginning of this Summer was still fresh in our minds. But to our surprise, the penguins came to our defense, scouring the fog and smacking the brains out of any Beast they came across. Seems there’s only room for one species of dirty bird in this camp!

Anyhow, thanks to the heroics of those huggable, fluffable extortionists, our spelling bee was able to proceed as planned. Hooray! In celebration, I will now list this year’s spelling bee champions!

• In first place, Cabin Magpie Moth resident Bryce Negley, who won with the word [SO MANY DIFFERENT WORDS LAYERED OVER EACH OTHER IT’S UNINTELLIGIBLE]!
• Then, in second place, Cabin Tarantula Hawk resident Scranz Gregcktson, who managed to spell [LENGTHY SUCCESSION OF CLOWN HONKS] without breaking a sweat!
• And, in third place, Cabin Silkworm Resident Treebart McMann, who wowed us with her unconventional spelling of [INDISCRIMINATE CAVALCADE OF RANDOM NOISES]!

And, of course, I will now list some of the most grisly injuries sustained in this year’s spelling bee.

• In first place, Cabin Grasshopper resident Leonard Stykeson, who sent us reeling after one look at his scraped knee.
• In second place, Cabin Ladybug’s Tammy “Teeth” Teeth, who shocked and horrified us with… her teeth.
• And in third place, Cabin Tarantula Hawk resident Lizabet Strange, who straight-up apotheosed into godhood right there on the stage. This would be higher on the list, except for that she pulls this trick every year. It’s time to diversify, buddy!

Keen kids may notice that no campers from Cabin Dungbeetle showed up on that list, and that’s because the campers of Cabin Dungbeetle chose to opt out of the contest, instead spending all morning attempting to use astral projection to reach the bottom of the river. I… hesitate to quash this spirit of ingenuity, but I must remind you all that astral projection is wildly dangerous. Who knows what unfathomable monstrosities lurk in the ethereal projection of this camp? You could meet a demon! Or worse, a human! I’d just advise you to undertake this sort of thing with the guidance of an experienced counselor.

In related news, experiments with the river are an ongoing interest. Various attempts to measure its depth — including an attempt by Marisol and Joshua to tape a bunch of meter sticks together and shove the resulting contraption down there; and an attempt by Juniper to employ a fisherman’s technique he learned in his hometown, which he referred to as “The Old Pump and Muddle” — have proven inconclusive. The lake, for comparison, is only around twenty feet deep in most spots — except when it gets angry, of course. This is quite a trench that the camp is now playing host to!

The staff has learned other things, too. With a PH of 11, the water of the river is actually too alkaline to drink safely, although swimming in it has continually proven quite safe for Juno and Mila. Still, some counselors are advocating for the construction of a bridge, but Lucille is unwilling to sign off on it in case the River disappears as quickly as it appeared and the camp ends up with a random bridge on the ground nearby. While I can sympathize with her concerns, I think a freestanding bridge might make for a bold landscaping statement! Help us stand out against our nearby rival camps! Of which there are, of course, none. Yet.

Alright, kids. Matthew’s cooked up some real delights for your lunch today — I couldn’t quite make it out, but I think he said something about horse divorce and a very amused bush. And try not to worry too much about the ominous sounds emanating from the forest, and seemingly growing louder with each minute — the baying of hounds, the clinking of teacups, the jeering of men, etcetera. The penguins have sent a corps of their bravest out into the forest to drive the Hunt back, so hopefully our new camp mascot will be able to find true solace here, once and for all.

See you this evening! 

[CLICK]

[CLICK] 

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF A MOB YELLING AND JEERING IN THE BACKGROUND] 

SYDNEY

H-hello, campers. I hope I am… 

[CRASH]

… audible to you over that horrible ruckus. The time is 19:01 PM… the sky is no longer glittery silver, but metallic and harsh. The penguins have abandoned us. The day is coming to an end. And the Hunt… has… arrived.

Yes, they are powerful. The confusion they wrought upon the penguin vanguard seems to have been nothing short of legendary. Half the penguins sent out to fight the Hunt ended up joining them, and are now dancing, drinking, and brawling along with the best of ‘em on the edge of the river. So there’s no telling what these men could do to our little camp if they were allowed to run rampant over it. But… I really don’t think they’re going to get across that river. They’ve been teetering at the edge, daring each other to jump across, for hours now.

Still, kids, it’s probably best you don’t leave the cafeteria for now. I think they’ve started throwing barstools and teacups at us… Juniper says it’s only a matter of time before they get tired of jeering and start using siege tactics to try and smoke out the fugitives we’re harboring. And I did say fugitives, plural — not only is their prized fox in my care, but Jedidiah has also earned their ire after attempting to inform them that there is no longer a British Empire, and now they’re threatening to execute him for slander and treason. 

Although Juniper also seemed pretty confused when he heard that there wasn’t a British Empire, so… maybe nobody over there has gotten the memo.

Augh… I have another concern, though — I can’t figure out what this poor fox eats. I’ve offered her everything I can think of, from bugs to bats to buttered bread and even some hard candy from my candy drawer. She just won’t accept it, and all the while she grows weaker by the minute. She’s just lying there now, barely breathing… please, if anyone has any ideas —

[THERE IS A CRASH AS A BARSTOOL BREAKS AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE NURSE’S BUILDING. THE CROWD CHEERS RAUCOUSLY]

AGGH! I can barely hear myself think over those stupid — UGH!

[SYDNEY OPENS THE WINDOW. HE LEANS OUT]

WILL YOU SHUT UP, YOU — OVERDRESSED, OVERCOOKED FRAT BOYS!? THIS IS A SUMMER CAMP, NOT YOUR BACCHANAL!! [COUGH COUGH] I KEEP TELLING YOU, THE FOX IS NOT HERE!!!! I —

[WHIMPER WHIMPER] 

Honey? What is it? You want… out there?

[WHIMPER]

… Hold tight, kids. Go ahead and start eating dinner — Matthew’s prepared you clamshells with surprise insides. I’ll… be right back.

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Hey kids. It’s 19:15, and I’ve learned an important lesson today. I hope you’re all enjoying your clam surprises as much as I’m enjoying my newfound wisdom.

I thought I was rescuing the fox from a fate worse than death. I thought I was keeping her safe. But when I opened that window, and she perked up, I realized two things. First, I realized that what the fox eats was — much like the hive, or the goo — pathological energy: in this case, the manic energy of the Hunt. She feeds off their insatiable desire to capture her; the violence they imagine and the shouts they unleash. Sounds kind of awful, I know. But really, it’s just nature.

But the second and more important thing that I realized was that I was not the good guy here. I coaxed her, manipulated her, into my office. I kept her trapped there; I was intent on keeping her forever. Sure, it was for her safety; it was for her sake. But no amount of care can justify imposing my will on her like that. Because in the end, I wasn’t giving her a say. Which made me no better than whatever sick Brit spun this curse in the first place.

… So anyway. After I realized this, I scooped the sweet creature up and ran outside. After one last hug goodbye and a kiss on the head, I tossed her across the river, and she scampered off to unknown parts of the forest. With whoops and hollers of gratitude and jubilation, the Hunt moved on, charging past us and disappearing into the trees. Even now, their shouts grow dimmer by the second. And you know what? I wish them luck. All of them.

Except the penguins who decided to join them. You’re our camp penguins! Come back!!

In other news, it seems that several kids from Cabin Dung Beetle have successfully astral projected to the bottom of the river. They claim that it is hundreds — nay, thousands of feet deep, and that untold monstrosities of inconceivable magnitudes reside in those depths. They advise their fellow campers and counselors never to do what they have done; they assure us, with little smirks and smug nods, that they were permanently traumatized by the experience. 

You children are free to come meet me in the nurse’s office. I’m here to talk you through this horrible experience.

AAAAAND for this evening’s activities, we’ll be celebrating the brutal cycles of nature with a game of Pain Telephone. Goodnight, campers. I’ll see you tomorrow. And the next day after that… and the next day after that… and the next day after that… and the next day after that… and the next day after th[CLICK]

[CLICK] 

[CASSETTE WHIRRING]

JEDIDIAH [ON RECORDING]

– and it’s missing something. I’m constantly being taken out of the experience. I never get to feel like an adventurer exploring a fantastical world, I’m always aware that I’m playing a game.

SYDNEY [ON RECORDING]

M-hm.

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

And that could be fine, immersion isn’t the be-all-end-all of video games, except this game clearly wants you to feel immersed. They put so much work into the graphics, into making these — breathtaking vistas. 

SYDNEY [O.R.]

Right.

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

They want you to stop and marvel at the world you’re in.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

Right.

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

But then they shot themselves in the foot, ‘cause that’s all the game has going for it. They couldn’t afford bug testing, or more than four voice actors, or writers to come up with more than one type of sidequest. So if you’re like me, and you’re not that moved by breathtaking vistas . . . . .

SYDNEY [O.R.]

It’s hollow.

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

Exactly.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

It sounds really boring.

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

It was… the biggest disappointment of my adolescent life.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

[Laughs]

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

You know, sue me, but $60 was my life savings when I was that age, and I thought it would go to more than just a — breathtaking vista simulator.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

Yeah.

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

… are you recording this?

SYDNEY [O.R.]

[Giggling]

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

Oh my God.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

You just get so busy!

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

What does that have to do with anything?

SYDNEY [O.R.]

I like to have your voice on hand. It helps when I miss you.

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

That is freakish.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

[Laughing, feigning offense] Freakish!?

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

[Amused] I feel like most people, if you did this to them, they would not be happy.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

Are you most people?

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

Unfortunately, no.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

Unfortunately!?

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

I’m cursed to find freakishness endearing.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

You are blessed with me.

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

Yeah. Whatever. Um… we should sleep.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

Aww.

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

Don’t ‘aww’ me. I don’t know about you, but I’m here to get an education.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

Whatever, but I’ll miss you. 

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

Goodnight, Sydney.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

Bleh.

[THERE IS A LONG PAUSE]

SYDNEY [O.R.]

… wanna hear a joke?

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

What does James Bond do before bed?

JEDIDIAH [O.R.]

Sydney.

SYDNEY [O.R.]

[Bursts out laughing jovially]

[THE RECORDING CLICKS OFF]

[A CLOCK IS TICKING]

SYDNEY

… [Sigh] Febuary 2015… 

[CLICK]

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Juniper Sloan was played by Tom Laflin. Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: SyndeyMyBeloved, Montey, four rats and a crow, Silver Weiss, Lauren Wade, and Emerald’s Mom.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: the tree also finds human fear nauseating.

Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Twenty Four: The Casket of Hatred

[CLICK]

[A SOUND OF A TICKING CLOCK] 

JEDIDIAH

Time… evening? Day… I think it’s the 30th. In accordance with the terms of my employment, I’ve made myself available as a neutral third party for the oversight of interpersonal conflict which has… grown beyond the capacity for independent resolution. Okay. Names and perspectives.

SALEM

My name is Salem de La Marnierre, and I am… continually frustrated with how Sydney wields his authority. Even today, his irresponsibility is astounding. We had to postpone this meeting until now because of his fox thing! Why would you let a wild animal into the nurse’s office – a place meant to be sanitary?

SYDNEY

Hey, woah, come on, now. 

[SALEM SIGHS]

JEDIDIAH
Sydney. Name and perspective?

SYDNEY

My name is Sydney… [He’s tripped up that Salem said her middle name] October Sargent, and… I dunno. I’m here against my will.

JEDIDIAH

Sydney. 

SYDNEY

I’m here to get yelled at. You can’t expect me to be happy about it.

SALEM

I’ve had this talk with you several times, Sydney, and I’ve tried to tell you gently. But you only seem to listen when I’m angry!

SYDNEY

What have I even done now? I get you didn’t like me oversharing, but I dialed that back like you asked me to. If I point weird stuff out, it’s because I’m trying to give them something to laugh at.

SALEM

Well clearly, you have… a weird sense of humor. But that’s not even why I called you here, there’s… it’s about more than that. Oversharing doesn’t cut it. Your behavior is becoming… intolerable.

SYDNEY

Okay.

SALEM

Where do I even start? You took children out to the depths of the forest to investigate a shrine to the most illegal type of magic there is. Yesterday, you implied that the kids have no need to fear the Elephant Man, which is somehow worse than the fearmongering you were doing before. And that’s not to mention how you handled things on Friday. Stating over the loudspeaker that you wanted the kids to stay brainwashed? It’s like you don’t even care about the kids here anymore. Sydney, you go missing with no explaining for a day and a half, worrying the living shit out of everyone, and leaving the nurse’s office empty. Then you come back with some excuse I frankly do not believe. You are the nurse! You are supposed to be the #1 person responsible for the safety of the kids! You cannot just abandon them like that! You can’t say things that — that could put them in danger! You need to understand that you have responsibilities in camp. This job you have, and especially the announcements, are not just your personal playground to fuck around in.

SYDNEY

Okay.

SALEM

Are you even listening to me?

SYDNEY

Yes.

SALEM

Do you… agree? Disagree?

SYDNEY

I think what you’re saying is pretty unfair.

SALEM

What? Why?

SYDNEY

You think I have any say in what goes on at this camp? You think I have any actual authority over the kids, or anything that happens to them, or to me? I’m not in charge of anything. All I do is talk into a microphone, say some nonsense that no one listens to, and I hand out bandages sometimes. I don’t tell anyone what to do. If I do, they don’t listen. I do not — can not — make executive calls about how we act in a crisis. 

SALEM

Sure. 

SYDNEY

I am — I don’t have the — the autonomy necessary to shoulder the blame for this stuff. Blame Lucille, she hasn’t done one single thing to even acknowledge the Elephant Man. Blame the hive! It’s not my fault the kids got attached to it! I… organize pill bottles. I give a kid an ice pack. I talk about what’s happening in camp, and no one listens to me, and that’s — all I do! How is anything that happens here my fault!

SALEM

I’m not saying it’s your fault, I’m just saying you need to be more careful, okay? And recently you haven’t even done that stuff, considering you left the nurse’s office vacant.

SYDNEY

See, this is what I mean. You have tunnel vision from hating me. I’m irresponsible? What about Jedidiah? He’s out of the office all day at least three times a week and I don’t see you calling him to any staff meeting!

SALEM

He’s—

SYDNEY

And you say you were worried about me?

SALEM

Yes! We were. Especially the kids —

SYDNEY

Bullshit. Why would you care whether I go missing? Last I checked, you and all the other counselors here can’t fucking stand me. And I get it. I know! I can’t stand myself either. So you don’t have to like me. But don’t lie about it. Don’t call me intolerable to my face and then turn around and go holding it over my head how much you worry and care about me. 

SALEM

Sydney, I’m not lying.

SYDNEY

Then what is this? Why are you acting like everyone here suddenly sees me as anything but a nuisance?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t see you as nuisance, Sydney—

SYDNEY

Or a thing to avoid?

JEDIDIAH

.

SALEM

Sydney. 

SYDNEY

[Slow breath] I’m sorry. 

SALEM

It’s okay… 

JEDIDIAH

Uhm… mediator speaking. When people lash out, it’s usually a response to… untenable circumstances. Do you think we should all try harder to be more accomodating, Sydney? Or a-appreciative?

SYDNEY

Huh? No. It’s fine, Jeddie. No one has to — my circumstances aren’t at issue here. I just don’t like Salem’s attitude.

JEDIDIAH

Right… but… 

SYDNEY

Really, it’s fine. I hate being unfairly accused, that’s all I’m upset about.

JEDIDIAH

But — all that stuff about people… not caring about you?

SYDNEY

I just think it’s unfair for her to leverage that over me! But I really — I don’t think anyone is obligated to care about me. It’s not a problem I think we need to address.

JEDIDIAH

Sydney. Don’t you think… I mean, if we’d have all been kinder to you… you wouldn’t have… gone out there? The other day?

SYDNEY

Jedidiah… [Sigh] this mediation session isn’t for you and me.

SALEM

If I may… I get what Jedidiah’s saying. You haven’t been acting like yourself, Sydney.

SYDNEY

I’m fine! I feel like I’m being cornered.

SALEM

[She grunts] Nn.

JEDIDIAH

Sydney, I want, I want… Sydney, there’s so much I want to tell you. But I can’t.  But I… I can listen. I never did before, and I’m sorry. But I — I’m ready now. So, please… doesn’t it hurt you when people… I… Christ, don’t you get lonely at night?

SYDNEY

You’re not my therapist. You don’t need to sit there and listen to me vent.

JEDIDIAH

I want —

SYDNEY

It’s fine. Really.

JEDIDIAH

Sydney… 

SALEM

Ahem. Getting back on topic… 

JEDIDIAH

Right. 

SALEM

Sydney, I’m going to level with you here. I recognize I’ve made some unfair accusations, but my point remains. I need you to please, please know that even if you feel like we don’t care, even if… we don’t express it in a language you speak, we do care. And even if you can’t believe that we care, you have to believe that the kids do. Whether or not you have any direct authority, you are responsible for setting an example. Your words affect how the kids think. You can’t preach about responsibility and community if you’re not going to put those values into practice. 

SYDNEY

Yes… yeah. Okay, you’re… right. I need to put others first. I promise to be more careful. I mean it.

SALEM

You mean it?

SYDNEY

I mean it. 

SALEM

Alright… I don’t hate you, you know.

SYDNEY

Okay. 

SALEM

… Right. Okay. If that’s settled, then I… have responsibilities and stuff. Jedidiah, have a good night. Sydney, thank you. 

SYDNEY

Okay.

JEDIDIAH

Bye. 

[SHE PUSHES OUT HER CHAIR AND WALKS TO THE DOOR. THE DOOR CLOSES]

[SILENCE]

JEDIDIAH

I’m sorry.

SYDNEY

For what?

JEDIDIAH

I… 

SYDNEY

You’re fine. 

JEDIDIAH

Are you?

SYDNEY

Yes. I have to go now. 

JEDIDIAH

Okay.

SYDNEY

Bye.

[SYDNEY STANDS AND WALKS OUT THE DOOR]

JEDIDIAH

[Whisper] I miss you. 

…

I’m such a fucking idiot. 

[CLICK] 

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Salem de La Marnierre was played by Crystal Lee. Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: pigeonspectre, Corben, Joshua Sullivan, and Duck.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: you should probably be leaving…

Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Twenty Three: The Wood of the Caskets

[CLICK]

[DING]

SYDNEY

Good morning, campers! The time is 8:68 AM and the sky is a sandy orange, like a dirty tangerine rotting on the forests’ edge. This day is one of orange rot. 

So, kids. In case it still needs to be said — if any of you happens to stumble upon a bruiselike purple growth with ruddy veins skittering about its surface, DO NOT TOUCH IT. 

Immediately find a trusted counselor and report its location to them, and for God’s sake, hold your breath. In fact, to be extra safe, you all should try to avoid breathing as much as possible today. 

[Sigh] I might be getting ahead of myself here. I’m sorry. I’m just so worried about you all. The situation, in plain terms, is that a never-before-seen species of mold has been discovered amidst the cabins and appears to be creeping out into the grounds at large, like the brittle, bruised fingers of a corpse slowly stretching across the Earth. Cabin Widow Spider residents were, in a way, the first to discover this mold this morning… when they failed to wake up.

When both Mila and Juno were absent from the morning counselor’s assembly, we initially assumed they’d simply overslept, and proceeded as usual. Those two can be pretty ditzy sometimes. But I couldn’t shake a bad feeling — a cold, stiff feeling… well, Marisol kindly agreed to check on them, just to soothe my concerns, and what she found was enough to make her stop dead. Every child and counselor, to a one, was lying, still and stiff, in their bunks… and all of them had taken on a ghastly, veiny complexion.

Quickly, initiative was taken to escort the cabin’s residents to the nurse’s office so that Jedidiah and I could examine them. Those who partook in moving the bodies could not help but report that the atmosphere around the cabin was… suffocating, exhausting… and everyone was in a hurry to get away. After that, you kids were woken up — some with more difficulty than others — and escorted away from the circle of cabins, and… well, you know the rest. 

The cause was determined to be the bruise like mold, which seems to have simply appeared last night right at the center of the circle of cabins. Inhalation of the mold’s spores appears to set in motion a gradual process of exhaustion and desiccation which makes a person’s body start to resemble a corpse, a transformation which presumably should result in complete biological collapse and decay. Cabin Widow Spider was unlucky enough to be facing the opposite direction of the wind, but it seems that all of you spent last night inhaling pure death to some extent… I’m just so glad we caught this when we did. If we had allowed our colleagues and friends to sleep for any longer… Marisol might have opened that door and been met with an even more horrifying sight… 

On a light note, we’ve determined that the residents of Cabin Widow Spider are conscious, but deeply comatose. Attempts to rouse them with sniffing salts and promises of cake have garnered some results, and many of their bodies have begun to regain the heat and saturation of life… overall, we’re optimistic that we’ll be able to return everyone to health, but it will take a while. And the nurse’s office is quite full, so please… everybody wear your camp issue gas masks and stay away from the cabins. And if you start to feel a bit fatigued, or unseasonably cold, do the smart thing and run to the very edge of the woods, and just huddle there in abject terror. Trust me, being a bit paranoid is better than rotting alive.

In other news… it was a little overshadowed by the consternation this morning, but it seems that late last night, someone snuck around and left miraculous gifts on each cabin doorstep. You know what I’m talking about: many of the personal effects stolen by the Elephant Man have been returned to their owners, as suddenly and mysteriously as they were taken away! Could this be an unforeseen act of goodwill from the Elephant Man? A signal of a change in heart? Perhaps our mysterious neighbor is not so frightful as we may have assumed! But whatever the cause, I do hope the joy of being reunited with your cherished possessions takes the sting out of fearing that you may be transformed into a living corpse if you, like, breathe too much.

Also, despite this evidence that the Elephant Man might actually be rather decent, Lucille has just now decided to take precautions against him. I wonder what made her finally take the intruder seriously? Curious, isn’t it? Anyways, for the foreseeable future, a brigade of Lucille’s enchanted mannequins — her Friends of the Oak — will be patrolling the outskirts of camp. Be nice to them! They do have souls, you know. Yes, they are animated by the trapped life force of long-dead creatures. They’re still vaguely sentient, existing in a permanent state of dull agony and indignity at being forced to exist in vessels which move without their permission and which do not possess the mechanisms to feel, think, or cry out. It’s not technically necromancy, on account of the fact that that’s no kind of life. But it does make you feel for the poor things, so… try not to bother them more than necessary.

And the final bit of news I have for you this morning is that Counselor Soren has officially been released from Cabin Arrest after a week of good behavior. Lucille is probably grateful to have her groundskeeper back — the camp really has become very overgrown very quickly. It was somewhat overshadowed by my extended absence, but I heard that apparently yesterday morning, campers from Cabin Silkworm struggled to open their cabin door, as its gaps and hinges had all been clogged by creeping tendrils of dittany and yew. Let’s hope Soren is ready to get back to work without any distractions or hijinks of any kind.

Now, let’s see… breakfast was egg yolks injected with mustard, saline straight out of the bag, and spit roasted falcon. You know, that old Louisiana specialty! But a trail of mold has moseyed on into Matthew’s kitchen and shyly kissed our wares, so… Salem and Marisol are ordering pizza for you guys instead. Except the only pizza place that delivers out here is that horrible gimmicky themed restaurant that keeps the Christmas decorations up year-round, so… I hope none of you mind peppermint sauce!

Aaaaand this morning’s activity is… cabin redecorating. [PAPER RUSTLING] Uh ah. Well, that’s unfortunate. Umm. Why don’t you guys just… hang out around the sports field. It’s far enough from the cabins.

Alright, kids. Have a good breakfast, and remember: when you die, you will rot — and also, when you live! I’ll be here if you need me.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SOREN

Hello, children. I’m sure that you thought all hope was lost after my dreams were tragically destroyed last week by our “friendly” Camp Nurse… well, I’m here to tell you that hope remains. You will meet with eternity, children; you will speak to the mother. How, you ask? Allow me to explain.

Throughout the week which I spent cooped up in Cabin Ladybug, I frequently found my reddened eyes drawn towards the molds which grew upon the wooden walls and ceiling beams. It was harmless — just any old friendly mold. But during my many hours of punitive contemplation, I realized… their harmlessness could be rectified.

This is a unique camp, dear children, and a good thing for it, because I don’t know where else in the world I might have the means to acquire alchemical reagents while confined to one cramped, rotting building. A few requests for herbal medicines from the nurse’s office, a few clandestine fetch quests on the part of my cabin’s loyal campers, and I had everything I needed. For the next few days, I played around with tinctures and mixtures, and by the end of my week behind bars, I’d found the perfect solution. I created a fungal agent which would diffuse the holy magic of the Death Fields throughout camp.

Children — counselors — I know it may seem scary. Everyone fears the truth; fears the way their lives must change when the truth becomes a factor. Everyone dreads the blanket of oblivion that was once all we had to look forward to at the end of our time on this beautiful Earth. But this mold is here to help you. It is your friend, your teacher. And though it may seem, at first glance, to kill whatever it touches… I assure you that this deathlike state merely precipitates an incipient state of eternal life!

So please, friends, stop trying to destroy it. Stop rejecting, dismissing, and spitting upon the gift I worked so hard to give to you. Embrace the truth! Embrace Her power! You will see, in the second life —

[THE DOOR OPENS]

SOREN

Ah! I’ve been detected!

SYDNEY

[Deeply annoyed] I am really tired of you getting your spit all over my microphone.

SOREN

Alright, children, I haven’t much longer. Listen to me, now. Touch. That. Mold. You’ll thank me when you’re eternal!

ROWAN

Why is this guy still working here?

JOSHUA

Why are any of us?

SOREN

You brought backup!?

SYDNEY

I figured you might resist. Boys?

[Under his breath] I’ve always wanted to say that.

[ROWAN AND JOSHUA GRAB SOREN BY THE ARMS AND BEGIN TO DRAG HIM OUT OF THE OFFICE. SOREN MAKES YELPING NOISES]

ROWAN

Time to go.

[MICROPHONE SHUFFLE]

JOSHUA

Would you let go of the microphone — !?

SOREN

This is religious persecution! I — I — don’t I get to talk about what I believe in!?

ROWAN

Maybe if you believed something less deadly.

SOREN

Augh! Stop! No! You don’t understand what you’re doing! I did this all for you! You and the children! Don’t squander this chance! Don’t throw your eternity away — NGYAH!

[THE DOOR SHUTS]

SYDNEY

… Cabin arrest is definitely too good for him. If Lucille doesn’t get rid of him, mark my words — I will.

So. An update. We brought all of our friends from Cabin Widow Spider to stable condition after a couple of hours, and now all that’s left to do is to let them breathe a day’s worth of non-poisonous air. After satisfying ourselves with the state of our patients, Jedidiah and I agreed that the deathcreep mold should be studied, although he insisted upon doing it by himself. So he went out, alone, in his personal hazmat gear, to investigate the growth. As soon as he got out the door, he was waylaid by Soren; from what I could hear, he wanted to convince Jedidiah to leave the mold alone and let it do its work. Soren said something about the necromantic arts, and it must have been pretty inflammatory, because Jedidiah exploded. I could hear him clearly from in here: he was like an unwound spring, spitting and popping and vitriolically questioning Soren’s comprehension of what necromancy even means.

Just another example of how upsetting Soren’s behavior is for all of us. 

Anyhow, Jedidiah brushed right past our new official Worst Counselor (congratulations to Joshua, by the way!) and marched defiantly down to the cabins. His findings were consistent with what Soren just told you over the loudspeaker, as scattered around the area were a number of creatures who had been unfortunate enough to touch or inhale the deathcreep moss and had been transformed into shambling, rotting, and completely unkillable husks. Unlikely as it seems, Soren really has managed to replicate the effects of the death field, making its gruesome magic… portable. This achievement may classify him as one of the most powerful magicians of our age. And also… one of the most stupid ones. And one of the most annoying ones.

Well, we had no choice but to call in an expert. I’m sure you’ve all had the chance to greet her, but now I’d like to formally introduce this announcement’s celebrity guest… Ohio’s favorite criminal against humanity… Doodoodoodoo… The Gravediggress! She’s here to advise us on this mold and help us with its eradication. Miss Gravedigress, do you have anything you’d like to share with the kids about the fungus among us?

[TAP TAP TAP]

[MORE AGGRESSIVE TAP TAP TAP]

THE GRAVEDIGGRESS

[BREATHING FOR 20 FULL SECONDS]

SYDNEY

I never thought about it that way before!

With the help and guidance of the Gravediggress, I was able to develop a potent serum which, if applied liberally to the deathcreep, should be able to significantly dull its effects so that it is no longer a deadly threat, but a mere tiresome inconvenience. Now we’ve got counselors in hazmat suits braving the toxic air to slosh my serum all over everything. Just in time, too — the habitable zone of camp was shrinking rapidly, and the deathcreep was getting uncomfortably close to the sanatorium. That place has its own strain of unique and possibly dangerous mold. I shudder to think what would happen if the two species met.

After coaching me through my concoction, the Gravediggress decided to remain in camp to help out by pointing out dangerous clusters of mold we might not otherwise catch, or vulnerable spots in the mold’s spore nexus. She’s been pretty helpful for the most part, although… I do wish she’d stop beckoning so much.

[Sigh] Well! We’re hoping to get the kitchen safe by tonight, but I’m still not ready to let Matthew cook for you all, so Marisol went out to HarmlessMart and bought you some of those succulent little plastic containers full of cheese and buttered crackers. Those crackers are among the few foods I can eat, so I’m pretty happy with this outcome!

Aaaaand for this afternoon’s campwide activity… a mold-growing contest. Okay, is this a sick joke!? Who plans these!?

[Whisper] I actually don’t know who plans these.

… Hm. Well, have a nice afternoon, campers! 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

There is something about life… makes you want to keep living it.

I think death is a beautiful thing. It’s inseparable from life, to me. They’re both expressions of the same idea, the only fundamental imperatives of existence: the only two things we all, all of us, must and will do. Together, life and death are everything that is beautiful, and one without the other… is nothing at all.

That’s why necromancy is pointless. You can make something move again, speak again, even think again… but without death, it will never live.

But that does not mean I will welcome death when it comes for me. It’s tried me plenty before… and when it does, I fight. No matter how hopeless I feel about whether any sort of happiness or peace may lie on the other side of that fight… I stay alive. We all stay alive. Not because we want to, but because we must. And will.

So I sympathize with Soren. I do. His actions may be deplorable, but his motivations are firmly rooted in one of the only feelings that we can all understand. And I sympathize with a certain camper from Cabin Magpie Moth who came very close to discovering what life without death is really like.

Was she perfect when you saw her, dear camper? Though her body was in tatters and filled up with mulch… though her mind was squishy, like an uncarved pumpkin, just mush beneath the hard surface… though her spirit was long gone… I know she was perfect. How could something which had lived for so long be anything less? Anything which, after so many lifetimes, could still walk… still whisper… still witness… still beckon you from amidst a clearing of that beautiful purple plant that could make you… unmake you… what she was… always would be.

And that precious, beautiful, necessary thing called existence… you would see so much more. You would never have to let it go. You might never remember any of it — but what would that matter? Existence, after all, is one neverending moment… perhaps it was time for life to catch up.

In other words, my dear… I know why you walked. Why you reached out to touch. Who could ever blame you? You’re only human.

But let’s try and keep it that way.

AAAAAnyway. Hello, kids! This camp is officially host to life and death in equal and appropriate amounts!

I am pleased to report that Soren has been sent home. Lucille tried to make his sendoff discrete, but some of you caught wind and heckled him as he packed his bags. She also refuses to make it clear to me whether or not Soren has been fired, or just temporarily suspended… which is rather frustrating. I know he pays her, but I can’t believe any amount of money would convince her to completely ignore the safety of the kids.

Or… maybe I can. Hm.

Another problem individual who has been banished is the Gravediggress, who, despite her good intentions, seemed unable to restrain her impulses vis a vis luring unsuspecting children into terrible fates. Let’s all give a round of applause for Counselor Fennel, who kept vigilant watch to ensure no children fell prey to her immortal machinations. They even, on one occasion, shoved a camper out of the way of the mold they were about to touch, risking their own mortality in the process. Fennel, on behalf of the whole camp, no one blames you for what your co-counselor has done. We all know you’re cool.

And just to be sure we all get the picture, I’d like to do a quick review. Necromancy is… what? Impossible! What else? Illegal!! Any eternal life that any wannabe necromancer would try and offer you is bound to be a fate worse than death. Really, I think your parents should be teaching you this stuff, what with all the email scammers out there nowadays. 

Now, as for the fate of the mold. As the Gravediggress promised me, the serum I concocted did dilute the effects of the deathcreep, although it did not neutralize the mold entirely. It seems that we’ve transformed the mold into an entirely new strain of unique mold with its own strange side effects. It’s not dangerous — but in the presence of this mold, you will quickly find yourself becoming less and less interesting to converse with, until the only topics you can think to mention are celebrity drama and woodworking techniques; and the only things you can think to reply with are hollow phrases of perfunctory acknowledgement, such as “nice” and “oof.” Seems this strain of mold just turns us into zombies, like… interpersonally?

Also, reports indicate that Counselor Juniper, upon direct inhalation of the mold’s spores, displayed no noticeable change in demeanor or favorite topics of conversation. Make of that what you will.

Anyhow, this mold doesn’t seem to require urgent extermination, so we can take the evening to relax if we like, but I’m not gonna stop you guys from forming another eradication squad if you get sick to death of talking about meaningless nonsense constantly. Not that that would be such a big change from business as usual… 

Alright, alright, tonight’s activities. Oh, got a wide variety here! You can choose between… a debate session… a collaborative storytelling workshop… and a seminar on dialectical philosophy hosted by Counselor Salem. Umm… perhaps the smalltalk mold should be taken care of sooner rather than later… anyway, until then, I suggest everyone attend Yvonne’s latest gamer hour. This is, what, number seven?

For tonight’s dinner, Matthew has stuck jelly beans on a porcupine. Be careful! While this is technically a finger food, you might want to use a fork. Incidentally, a group of animal rights activists are convening on our campgrounds for an open seminar on whether live porcupines should be used as tableware.

Have a great night, campers. Everything is okay. 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[CLOCK TICKING]

[CASSETTE WINDING]

[THE AUDIO IS DISTORTED AS IF FROM A RECORDING]

SYDNEY

[Yawn] The truth?

ELIJAH

You. You are the most divine thing I have ever laid my eyes on. 

SYDNEY

Ah — me?

ELIJAH

Who else but you, dear? Who else could ever be the object of my love but you?

SYDNEY

Aha… I… well, thank you. I — thank you. I… don’t think anyone’s ever said… anything like this to me before… 

ELIJAH

You can’t mean that.

[CLICK]

[CASSETTE WINDING]

[CLICK]

ELIJAH

He’s disgraced your good graces, and therefore has lost mine. Has he not hurt you gravely?

SYDNEY

I mean… [Sigh] we’re not on the best terms right now.

ELIJAH

Don’t you think you deserve better than what he gives you? Don’t you deserve his utmost appreciation? Devotion? Love?

[CRUNCH]

SYDNEY

Hello, ghost recorder. It’s 25:25 and… man. I’m having a hard time reconciling my thoughts these days. So many… so many things wrong. 

The Elephant Man… E-elijah, he said. Elijah. I’m having… just a lot of thoughts. It’s- I mean I know that like, that it’s probably bad. Even if he isn’t deliberately manipulating me, the subduing magic he has on me inherently compromises my ability to think. I doubt I’d even really remember this conversation too well if I didn’t record it. I just remember the feelings. 

Feelings of lack of control. I can’t stand up for myself. I can’t think. Can’t say what I mean. I’m swirling like an eddy, kicked up and dizzy and… swirling. Dizzy. Swirling.

Feelings of… understanding. Of being seen. He… loves me? He recognizes how poorly I’m regarded and that… I can’t pretend that doesn’t make me feel a little better, and feel appreciated.

[Sigh] I wanna cry. Goodnight, ghost recorder. I hope you don’t mind being saddled with all my problems and moping. I’ll have to do something, as always. So, I will. Right now, I’m just worried how I’m going to sleep.

[CLICK] 

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Soren Baltimore was played by Mikee Joaquin. The part of  Rowan Chow was played by Corey Wilder. The part of Joshua MacHeath was played by Ty Coker. Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Hallie, Eileen E, KatintheNight, and Josiah Callinan.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: you’ve angered it.

Mayfield & Belov presents: Camp Here & There
Episode 22: The Secrets of the Woods

[CLICK]

JEDIDIAH

Hi. Sydney is still gone. Meet with me in the nurse’s office after breakfast if you’re interested in forming a search party. Breakfast is… meat. Have a nice day.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[A TICKING CLOCK, MINGLED WITH AMBIENT FOREST NOISES]

SYDNEY

Ah…?

THE ELEPHANT MAN

[Suppressing a chuckle] Good morning, sleepy head. 

SYDNEY

Pink… elephant… guy…?

THE ELEPHANT MAN

You have such a way with words.

SYDNEY

Mm. 

THE ELEPHANT MAN

And I must say… you look ravishing right now. Even so disheveled. Even awake.

SYDNEY

H… what…?

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Come to, dear! Come to! I must speak with you. I’ve been waiting for years.

SYDNEY

You’ve… uh… still got the mask on…

THE ELEPHANT MAN

It’s better I keep it on for now, love. You’ll see my face in due time.

SYDNEY

Ah… [Yawn] why… am I lying on a pile of stuffed animals?

THE ELEPHANT MAN

[He laughs] How should I know, silly? You’re the one on the pile.

SYDNEY

Ahh… good point… I think.

[PORCELAIN CLINKING] 

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Would you care to join me at the table for tea, dear? I’ve got the kettle on. 

SYDNEY

Mm… alright.

[SYDNEY GETS UP AND SITS AT THE TABLE]

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Ah! Delightful! Delightful! Oh, my darling, delightful that you’re finally here with me! I was beginning to think you were standing me up.

SYDNEY

Aha… my uh- my apologies… I… I got lost.

THE ELEPHANT MAN

No matter, it’s no problem at all. Now that we’re together, we can wash all our worries and sins away. …With tea! Have a drink, dear heart. 

[TEA POURING]

SYDNEY

I-I-Is this… where all the stuff you took has ended up? All of this… everywhere? The piles. My stuffed rabbit sat here at the table…  with a kiss mark on it.

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Dearest, your keen wisdom never ceases to amaze me! Yes, your young wards and peers have donated quite an assortment of useful sundries to my cause… tithes, you might call them.

SYDNEY

This… structure… oh! The tower.

THE ELEPHANT MAN

The tower you had your children build, yes; I really must thank you for that. The structure is perfect. Tall… sturdy… flammable…

SYDNEY

And Lucille’s grandfather clock…? How did you get that over here…?

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Ah, yes… the clock. Its face is the only safe way to view my reflection, you see, and at first I considered it a friend. Now I’m less certain. My heartbeat has synced up with the ceaseless ticking… and I hear it in my head, no matter how far away I wander…

[TICKING GETS LOUDER]

It measures my blood flow. It measures the rotation of the Earth. It tells me things I can’t know… can’t… know…

SYDNEY

Are… are you alright? 

[TICKING QUIETS AGAIN]

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Ahem. Ah, yes, yes! Enough about me; you’re the reason we’re here.

[HE GRABS A DISH]

Care for a cookie?

SYDNEY

I’m sorry. I can only eat buttered bread. 

THE ELEPHANT MAN

They’re butter cookies, doll. 

SYDNEY

Hm.

[HE PLACES THE DISH DOWN]

THE ELEPHANT MAN

I’ve been watching, you know. Well, I’m sure you know. I know you know, in fact, but did you know that I know you know? Well, now you know. And I must say… [Inhale] you are even prettier up close. How the light between the maple leaves dapples your face… I could stare at you for hours, my dear… I have. You inspire such feelings in me… the deepest admiration. The purest love… Ah, have you dozed off again? Come to, come to! You will have an eternity for rest come the holy day; but for now! Don’t you wish to know the truth?

SYDNEY

[Yawn] The truth?

THE ELEPHANT MAN

[Distracted] …You. You are the most divine thing I have ever laid my eyes on. 

SYDNEY

Ah — me?

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Who else but you, dear? Who else could ever be the object of my love but you?

SYDNEY

Aha… I… well, thank you. I — thank you. Uh… I don’t think anyone’s ever said anything like this to me before…

THE ELEPHANT MAN

You can’t mean that.

SYDNEY

I’m really not used to this kind of attention.

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Fools… they’re all fools. Everyone who ever turned their eyes from your face, everyone who saw you but refused to say your name… fools. To think that even in this world, there are those who remain blind to the pristine, infinite truth of the beauty you alone possess… it boggles the mind and boils the blood. My love, everyone else may be sleeping on your virtues, but I am wide awake. I love you. I would die for you.

SYDNEY

[Barely breathing] Goodness. 

THE ELEPHANT MAN

I am so happy you are here.

SYDNEY

What… did you mean by the truth?

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Ah, yes yes. The one that your bastard clockmaker keeps hidden. 

SYDNEY

Jedidiah?

[HIS FIST SLAMS ON THE TABLE]

THE ELEPHANT MAN

[Loudly] Do not speak his name!

SYDNEY

[Startled] Woah. 

THE ELEPHANT MAN

He’s disgraced your good graces, and therefore has lost mine. Has he not hurt you gravely?

SYDNEY

I mean… [Sigh] We’re not on the best terms right now.

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Don’t you think you deserve better than what he gives you? Don’t you deserve his utmost appreciation? Devotion? Love?

SYDNEY

I… I-I don’t know about “deserve,” but that… that would be nice…

THE ELEPHANT MAN

He should worship you! 

SYDNEY

[Reluctantly, though not sounding like he hates the idea] “Worship” is a big word…

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Worship is everywhere, dear. It’s the deepest, truest form of love. It’s the kind of love that gives a lover purpose. Life worships you!

SYDNEY

Life worships me? 

[WIND WITH CLINKING WIND CHIMES SLOWLY BUILDS IN THE BACKGROUND]

THE ELEPHANT MAN

My love, you are holy. And this world we live in understands that. [He slowly drops to a reverent whisper] The turning of the planet’s body… the subtle shifting of its facial plates… the twirling dance of sun and moon… it’s all for you. The Earth saw you and wept its admiration, and there were the oceans. It heard you and screamed its awe, and there was thunder. The world gives its whole self to you; and by standing upon its soil, eating its fruit, breathing its air, you give back. This is worship. Life. Worships. You.

SYDNEY

Ah.

THE ELEPHANT MAN

[Gentle chuckle] I know, dear. It’s difficult to wrap your head around. I’m ashamed to admit it, but, I, too, tried to deny the calling at first… I was scared, you see, of how my world would change once I welcomed you into it. So I understand why so many of your peers reject and dismiss you. It just means that we’ve got to show them, you and I! We’ve got to help them understand you.

SYDNEY

[Breathless] You… you’re going to help everyone… understand me?

THE ELEPHANT MAN

And love you. For who could truly know you and not love what they knew?

SYDNEY

This is so much…

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Stay with me, beloved. This next bit is terribly important. There are secrets of this world that are hidden even from me; secrets of your divinity, its nature, its eminence. Your clockmaker, that jailor, that covetor, that false claimant, he knows these secrets. He keeps them, and he won’t allow anybody to read them. Are you with me?

SYDNEY

You mean… Jedidiah’s journals…?

THE ELEPHANT MAN

[Irritated] IF… you refer to the sacred texts in such a vulgar, pedestrian manner… then yes. Those books contain the truth of the world; a truth which we can read, understand, and share together. But you must bring these books to me. Only you can carry out this task.

SYDNEY

Gosh… I — I- I could — probably sneak them somehow — but he’d be… really upset, I think…

THE ELEPHANT MAN

What do you feel you owe him? What has he offered you that I, and the Earth that I speak for, cannot offer you tenfold?

SYDNEY

This… i-i-i-it’s all… um… I-I-I’m feeling a little overwhelmed.

THE ELEPHANT MAN

My apologies, darling. Here — why don’t I help you relax…

[THE ELEPHANT MAN TAKES HIS MASK OFF. SYDNEY’S HEAD HITS THE TABLE AS HE FALLS ASLEEP. THE WIND CHIMES IMMEDIATELY STOP]

THE ELEPHANT MAN

[He laughs] What a response. My bare face does tend to elicit a reaction from those who see it exposed, but… nobody is quite like you… ahhh, but there is no time for sleep. Come, my dear. [HE GETS UP] Dance with me. I shall lead. 

[HE DRAGS SYDNEY’S SLEEPING FORM THROUGH THE UNDERBRUSH IN A MOCK DANCE]

THE ELEPHANT MAN

I was christened Elijah Volkov some twenty nine years ago to a wealthy family who moved from Arkhangelsk not long after my birth. I like long walks on the beach, cattle, sheep – which I have long enjoyed shepherding – candlelit dinners, and I quite enjoy the taste of lamb. What about you, doll? 

SYDNEY

I… I… I — I-I am…

ELIJAH

How perfect an answer. You are, my dear, yes you are! And I am the Prophet. I am the shepherd of men, the vessel and mouthpiece of this world and its love for you. I pluck halos off of angels and melt golden calves in your name. And I am going to prove to everyone that you are. 

[THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMES THE WESTMINSTER MELODY]

ELIJAH

[Deathly serious] So I need you to get me those journals, Sydney.

SYDNEY

What exactly… will you do with them…?

ELIJAH

Show you a love you have never known.

SYDNEY

…Okay. I can get them for you. 

[THE CLOCK FINISHES WITH A SINGLE TOLL]

ELIJAH

[He laughs] Excellent. I eagerly await your return, and — one last dip! You are an excellent dancer. 

[ELIJAH GENTLY LEANS SYDNEY AGAINST A TREE]

SYDNEY

Ahhh… before I go, uh, do you… do you mind if I take some of these… uh, stuffed animals and shampoo bottles and stuff back to camp? I think the kids would appreciate their stuff back.

ELIJAH

Of course. Take anything you can carry, dear heart.

[SYDNEY SHUFFLES AND STUMBLES TO PICK UP ITEMS]

SYDNEY

I’ll… I’ll be back. 

ELIJAH

I know, my dear. 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

YVONNE

Yvonne here, at the helm of the announcements once again; since Jedidiah is currently lost in the woods, walking around in circles. I got Joshua here today — he’s gonna help me decipher Sydney’s notes.

[JOSHUA’S CHAIR CREAKS]

JOSHUA

Heyyyyyyy-ooooo!

YVONNE

You’re not at a party, Joshua, someone’s gone missing.

JOSHUA

Uh- Just thought I’d try to get everybody’s spirits up…

YVONNE

The mealtime announcements aren’t for getting people’s spirits up, Joshua, they’re for sharing your childhood trauma and extensively detailing any perceived or hypothetical threats to the mental wellbeing of the children.

JOSHUA

[Sarcastic shocked gasp] Are you making fun of a guy who’s missing?

YVONNE

What the hell? No. I would never make fun of Sydney like that. Why would you assume that?

JOSHUA

Oh. Sorry.

YVONNE

Dude. Yeah, I was making fun of Sydney.

JOSHUA

Oh. Right. Okay.

YVONNE

Who is still gone, by the way, kids. Sorry — no updates on that. Jedidiah’s search party hasn’t sent word back, either, but they’ve only been gone for a couple of hours, so that’s less concerning.

JOSHUA

Search party is such a funny term. Like, what are they celebrating?

YVONNE

Every time you make an attempt at observational humor, I taste blood.

JOSHUA

Speaking of parties, dude, I have not been to a party in so long. I was thinking about that the other day, like, man, why don’t we have any parties here? Like, in camp? We have these near-death experiences, like, almost every day. We should be having parties all the time, just to, like, I mean, y’know, live like you’re dying, right? But instead we always come down off the daily apocalypse with campfire songs and bullshit rituals —

YVONNE

Microphone.

JOSHUA

I mean, uh — good — rituals…

YVONNE

Unbelievable.

JOSHUA

What I’m trying to say is, when they get back, we should have some kind of big blowout party with all the kids and counselors and everything. 

YVONNE

When the search party gets back?

JOSHUA

Yeah. I dunno, the kids need a party, don’t you think? Jedidiah and them, they’ll probably be happy to get back to camp and, ohhhh! It’s a party! Camp party!

YVONNE

What if they come back without Sydney? Do we still have a party then?

JOSHUA

Uhhhhh…

YVONNE

You know, if they come back empty-handed and you still throw a party, you’ll basically be celebrating Sydney’s absence.

JOSHUA

[Almost as if that’s a good thing] I mean…

YVONNE

Microphone.

JOSHUA

Shit.

YVONNE

You should never be allowed in front of children.

JOSHUA

Take that up with Lucille.

YVONNE

Is that a dare?

JOSHUA

It’s a friendly suggestion from your co-worker.

YVONNE

I will march up to her office and have you fired right now!

JOSHUA

Try it! She’s scared to fire me! She knows these kids need a strong, male role model with my specific brand of roguish charm!

YVONNE

Like they need holes in their socks!!

JOSHUA

I’ll bite holes in your socks!!!!

YVONNE

That’s weird, dude! Read the announcement notes like I asked you to!!

JOSHUA

OKAY!!!!

[JOSHUA SNATCHES THE PAPERS OUT OF HER HAND. HE’S SILENT FOR A MOMENT.]

JOSHUA

Very funny. Where are the actual notes?

YVONNE

I know how it looks, but I promise this isn’t a joke.

JOSHUA

There’s nothing written here.

YVONNE

[Snort] That’s one way to put it.

JOSHUA

What do you mean “that’s one way to put it”? Yvonne, these are blank papers!

YVONNE

What?

[SHE SNATCHES THE PAPERS BACK. A MOMENT OF SILENCE.]

YVONNE

Are you joking?

JOSHUA

Cross my heart and hope to die-

YVONNE

Look. Look, right there, it clearly says… something. I mean, those are clearly supposed to be words. 

JOSHUA

There’s literally no ink where you’re pointing.

YVONNE

Stop!

JOSHUA

I’m not lying!

YVONNE

Okay, this makes sense, kind of… everyone has, like — a different reaction to reading these notes. Jedidiah said it was plain English. Like he could read it no problem. For me, it’s like, like… the scrawled manifesto of a lunatic wizard. And for you, it’s just blank.

JOSHUA

Dude…

YVONNE

What does it mean?

JOSHUA

Maybe it’s —

[THE DOOR OPENS. ENTER SYDNEY, OUT OF BREATH]

YVONNE & JOSHUA, SIMULTANEOUSLY

SYDNEY!?

SYDNEY

[Badly out of breath] …Hey.

JOSHUA

Where on Earth have you been?!

YVONNE

It’s been two days, dude, are you aware of that?

SYDNEY

[Panting] I… give me a second…

JOSHUA

Yeah, dude, sit down… here…

[JOSHUA OFFERS SYDNEY HIS CHAIR; SYDNEY SITS IN IT GRATEFULLY]

SYDNEY

[Catching his breath] I… I-I-I-I was out… in the woods… early… yesterday morning, I was… picking, you know… flowers… herbs… for medicine. Hoo… but uh one flower… I-I smelled… it… I’d never seen it before… the fumes… put me in this state… oh… [Laugh] oh man. They, like… put me to sleep. But awake. I-In a trance… for twenty-seven hours. A-As soon as I woke up, I-I ran here… hoo. Oh my gosh.

JOSHUA

Dang.

YVONNE

Well… [Skeptically] we’ve all been worried about you, you know. Especially Jedidiah. He’s losing his mind. He’s out there looking for you right now.

SYDNEY

By himself?

YVONNE

He put a search party together.

SYDNEY

[Shocked and touched, but quickly recovering] That’s… nice… we-we-we should definitely try to let them know that I’m back. As soon as possible…

YVONNE

I’ll try to get a text through, but you know what those trees do to cell service.

JOSHUA

More importantly, can you read the announcements? We, uh…

YVONNE

We can’t read your handwriting.

SYDNEY

Yes, sure. [Clearing his throat] Today’s scheduled activities for this afternoon, campers, are shoving pencils into planter’s foam to try and recreate the desolated gardenscape the collective world sees in our dreams, and cautiously approaching the stern-eyed, great horned owl that has not moved from its place on the roof of the administrative building all summer. At first, no one thought anything of it, but now it’s starting to get concerning; as its piercing yellow eyes bore into our hearts, our souls, our psyches. Some campers have wanted to approach it and ask what it wishes to obtain from staring down, forever unmoving. Should it get food? Does it believe us all food? What of its nature to hunt and breathe and live? Is it not in love with sustenance like the rest of us? I believe you all will not get an easy response. 

And truly, there’s no worse feeling than asking for comforting knowledge, and receiving a long, cold stare. But I wish you all the best of luck. 

For lunch, Matthew has carved emeralds into tributes of meat, crystalline visages of cow, dog, and pig. He expects you all to fill your stomachs with his artistic love for recreating the already perfect – it’s vegan friendly!

Alright, uhm, enjoy your afternoon.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Good evening, my little honeybees. It’s 19:10, and the sky has alighted upon a gentle, roseate hue. It having been a screaming red all day, it’s a relief to see the that the painful color has resolved into something so… soft… easy… lovely.

After a lowkey afternoon of crafting recreations of the garden where we all meet one another in our dreams, I hope you’re all feeling like me: peacefully drifting in reflection on the matter of that shared mind palace. Is it an ancestral memory, a recollection of humanity’s long-ago homeland? Is it a collective prophecy, a vision of the splash zone at the end of this spiral waterslide we call modern civilization? Or is it a cryptic message from some interdimensional entity, desperately — or perhaps, mockingly — trying to communicate some terrible truth to us? 

Well, in the same vein, it appears the owl atop the roof remained silent. And still, it sits. Ah, well.

[Sigh] Hey, listen, kids. I know I was gone for a long time, and I’m really very sorry. I… I didn’t expect or intend to be gone so long, sincerely. I don’t like the idea of leaving you kids unattended, and I feel like I’ve really messed up. But I’m so glad that it seems as if none of you got hurt while I was gone, and I hope counselor Yvonne did a good job as a substitute nurse. I’m, hah, glad Jedidiah picked her over… some other options, regardless of how much medical experience they may have.

Just because Joshua has an [Mockingly] actual medical degree, he thinks he’s qualified to take care of you kids… [Scoff] What a joke. 

Hm, anyways. Tonight’s dinner is the tongue of the venus flytrap, simmered in pure bitterness and served in vengeance for all our ancestors it has devoured. Eat or be eaten, if it eats, we’ll eat it – and, again, it’s vegan! 

Tonight’s activity – the staff at Camp Here and There have decided that everyone should have some in-cabin rest as we recover from the day’s hectic going ons. Again, I profusely apologize for the ways I’ve burdened you all. It won’t happen again. 

I hope you can all rest well. I love you. Goodnight.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[CLOCK TICKING]

SYDNEY

Heyyyy. What a day, huh? The time is 25:25, and I am exhausted. Hahaa.

I can’t sleep yet, though. I brought back a bunch of stuff from The Elephant — from Elijah’s stash. Plenty of stuffed animals, some clothing, some toiletries, jewelry, whatever looked important. As soon as everyone’s asleep, I’ll sneak out and deliver it to the cabin doorsteps. It’ll be Christmas in June. Haha.

Except not nearly as horribly violent as Christmas. Or as sticky.

…I’ve uh…. o-obviously been doing a lot of thinking —

[DOOR OPENS; THERE IS A PAUSE] 

JEDIDIAH

Sydney.

SYDNEY

Hello.

JEDIDIAH

Hi. Um… Listen, I wanna talk.

SYDNEY

Okay. Talk.

JEDIDIAH

Um. Okay. Listen. Sydney… I don’t want to lose you.

SYDNEY

[Half amused] …I-Is that all?

JEDIDIAH

Um, I mean. Um. I have — so much I would say to you, Sydney, h-honestly… if… if I felt like it was right.

SYDNEY

Mm. [After a beat, as if he can’t stop himself from replying] I-I’m being honest here — not trying to attack you but — I didn’t think you still cared about what was right anymore.

JEDIDIAH

[Jokingly] Well, y’know. You can take the boy out of church…

SYDNEY

You’re not suggesting that church taught you the difference between right and wrong?

JEDIDIAH

[Cheeky] It — it bulked up the muscle…

SYDNEY

Explains a lot.

JEDIDIAH

I can’t tell if you’re teasing me or… actually being mean.

SYDNEY

[Sigh] I’m sorry. I was kind of being mean. …So. You want me.

JEDIDIAH

Ah! Uh. Um.

SYDNEY

Or, at least, you don’t want to lose me.

JEDIDIAH

That — well, let me change tack here. I’m sorry. That — it’s true, but it’s not — relevant. Let me start over. I’m- I’m sorry… Sydney, I am aware of the role that my behavior, and our relationship, has played… in the- in the decisions you’ve made.

SYDNEY

My decisions?

JEDIDIAH

[Cutting him off] I- I just- I just want you to know that I — I don’t — blame you — I understand you’re just reacting to — to untenable circumstances — and s-s-I mean— a-a lot of that is my fault —

SYDNEY

J-Jedidiah, you’re — you’re starting to scare me a bit. Please stop being vague.

JEDIDIAH

You left. For two days.

SYDNEY

[Sigh] And I’m sorry. But I — I already explained, that wasn’t my decision. I — I was put in a trance by some weird flower.

JEDIDIAH

Yeah.

SYDNEY

I… I really don’t like that I was gone for so long. Yes, I went out to the woods, but I was supposed to be back before anyone woke up… I-I’m- I’m sorry. I know you were worried. I know you were here on your own. I don’t… listen, I would never do that to you on purpose.

JEDIDIAH

Uh-huh. …Uh, listen, Sydney… I looked for you for hours. I circled the campgrounds a hundred times. I got as many people to help me as the camp could spare. How far into the woods did you go… for herbs?

SYDNEY

[Playing it off with humor] You know what they say. The best stuff is out there where human feet dare not tread.

JEDIDIAH

Sydney, that… flower… c-could you… describe it? It might be… important information to have on record… dangerous flower…

[SILENCE]

JEDIDIAH

[Losing composure] Sydney, I don’t like doing this. I really- I don’t like doing this. Lucille makes me play these games often enough.

SYDNEY

Okay. Then say what you mean.

JEDIDIAH

Sydney… were you meeting with someone?

SYDNEY

… Why does it matter to you?

JEDIDIAH

Sydney, please.

SYDNEY

I’m sorry. But I’m not trying to mess with you. I seriously want to understand why you care — about any of the things you care about. It-It’s frustrating for me. Most of the time, it’s like I don’t even exist to you. Then every once in a while I do some particular thing, and you randomly get on my case about it, an-and you don’t even explain why it’s bad.

JEDIDIAH

I’m worried about your safety. I —

SYDNEY

And what’s unsafe about this? 

JEDIDIAH

He’s dangerous!

SYDNEY 

… 

JEDIDIAH

The Elephant Man is dangerous. He’s — I — I can’t explain to you how dangerous he is. And I’m sorry if… I mean… I have no idea what he said to you. I’m so relieved he didn’t say enough to — t-to hurt you — but I — Sydney, I— I don’t want him around you —!

SYDNEY

Okay. I’m sorry to cut you off. But you’re kind of working yourself up, and I just want to make sure I have things straight.

JEDIDIAH

Okay.

SYDNEY

So… when I’m scared of The Elephant Man. When I’m telling you that he’s dangerous and a problem. You say I’m worrying too much.

JEDIDIAH

T-That’s — I got it wrong, but —

SYDNEY

But when I’m — I-I don’t know, when it’s an excuse to control me — it’s suddenly a huge concern. I’m in danger. I should be worried. I should stay inside.

JEDIDIAH

You know it’s not like that. 

SYDNEY

Do I? Do I know anything about what you do anymore?

JEDIDIAH

I…

SYDNEY

And another thing. You’re allowed to keep secrets from me. No matter how much it distracts you from work, or from our relationship, or seems dangerous, your project is allowed to stay private. But you get to know everything about my life? 

JEDIDIAH

Sydney. I — I know that you know deep down what you’re saying isn’t fair. 

SYDNEY

[Sighing, he sounds hopeless] Logically, this is the fairest assessment I can make based on your behavior. 

JEDIDIAH

I—I’m trying to —

SYDNEY

I-I mean, can you even explain to me why you suddenly think The Elephant Man is a threat to me?

JEDIDIAH

No. I can’t.

SYDNEY

Then we’re back to day one. …Jedidiah, if you wanna convince me that I’m wrong, then convince me. I’m begging you to convince me. I have been for years.

JEDIDIAH

… So you did meet with The Elephant Man.

SYDNEY

No. He’s dangerous. Remember?

JEDIDIAH

Okay.

[HE LEAVES ]

SYDNEY

… I didn’t grab my rabbit.  

… 

[Sigh] Well. Goodnight.

[CLICK] 

Today’s episode was written and produced by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Yvonne Marley was played by Emily Safko. The part of Joshua MacHeath was played by Ty Coker. The part of Elijah Volkov was played by Ryan Henning. Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield and Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our patrons: Bumble Z, Cas Humber, Theo, and Ryan Henning.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon, at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our Discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode. Find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There, and remember: the tree finds human happiness nauseating.

Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Twenty One: The Boys of Secrets

[CLICK]

JEDIDIAH

Hi. Jedidiah again. Sydney, um — well, some of you might already know that he — uh — he’s gone.

Since — last night, I don’t know, sometime last night, he’s — been missing. In action. Nurse’s office completely abandoned. Left all of his stuff behind; his worms, his books. If you’ve been attending this camp for a few years, you know this is… extremely out of character. Sydney is a very responsible person; he cares immensely about all of you kids, and I find it — really hard to believe that he would just — get up and leave. Without telling anyone. So wherever he is, he’s probably not there by choice. Not to cause alarm, I just — yeah. This is a little bit of a situation.

There’s no need for you to be worried, though. I promise you kids I will attend dutifully to the nurse’s office in Sydney’s absence. Or, I’ll make sure someone is, at least.

So… I have these announcements here. Seems like Sydney wrote — wrote up the day’s announcements before he — disappeared, which… well, it’s considerate of him. Ah… so. Today’s breakfast is candied wasps, and this morning’s activity is… jumping.

And, uh… Counselor Marisol Yuchengo is here in the office with me, and she’s got something to say to you all. Take it away.

MARISOL

Hi. I won’t take up a lot of your time. I just want to ask… if any of you see the Elephant Man… please report it to me immediately. Okay? Don’t engage, obviously, don’t go near him, just… Tell me about it. And where he is. The moment you see him. Okay? Okay.

JEDIDIAH

Thanks, Marisol. Aaaaaand… everyone… have a nice breakfast. And — let me know if you see Sydney. 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[SOUNDS OF BIRDS AND FOOTSTEPS] 

SYDNEY

How ghosts it, my friendly recorder? It must be nice to get out of the office for once, huh? Haha. I really… really need a break, so I figured I’d finally tell you why I dragged you out here.

Sorry, where’s my decorum? It’s, uhhh… ha, well, honestly, I don’t have the slightest idea what time it is? I’m very far from the bonfire by now, and the sky has been behaving… rather curiously… there are no clouds, no visible sun, and ever since I left the campgrounds, it hasn’t even slightly changed color. Just the same unfathomable teal patina. Honestly… I don’t even know how long I’ve been wandering around for, haha. Well. It’s been long enough for me to get… very tired, I know that.

So. So. Yesterday. The trees had us hemmed in. Mother Nature had reached over and placed a woven basket upside down up above us, like we were unwanted pests in her house. We’d tried everything we could think of, and had taken to moping around, hoping better ideas would find us, or maybe that our interment would just… end, as quickly as it had just… begun. I was sat on a stump on the very outskirts of the clearing, leaning against one of the trees… when I heard a voice. So, obviously I knew who it was. 

And it invited me over for tea.

The voice was… masculine. Handsome… yet expressive and buoyant.  It sounded familiar, but I couldn’t think who it was, especially when I turned to look. It seemed the more I squinted to make out the figure hidden behind the tight-woven branches, the more I felt my brain grow hazy and… slow. 

The stranger behind the trees explained that he had been expecting me to come to the altar, but had been hoping that I’d come alone. Nevertheless, he managed to arrange for this… private encounter. Declaring that he wanted nothing more than to sit down across a table from me, serve me up some tea, and chat, he provided me with specific directions to meet him in the forest that night. He claimed that if I’d kindly offer him the opportunity to explain himself, I would understand everything… 

…And I said okay. I said okay. Of course I did. Honestly… I mean, at this point… why not? I’ve been thinking about it, and… things will shake out one of two ways. Option one… the Elephant Man isn’t dangerous. That’s great. I’ll learn everything I want to know about him. Jedidiah and Lucille will be proven right, and I can let go of some of this bitterness. Then there’s option two… he hurts me. Or tries to. And, well… hey, I’ll still get to find out what his deal is!

[Muttering] People might start taking me seriously.

… Except, at this rate, I might not get to meet him anyway. Normally, I know the desire-paths of this forest like the veins on my hands. I spend… most of my time out here, all told. But today, the paths keep… changing up on me… twisting and wobbling with every other glance. Every time I turn around, it’s like I’m in a completely different forest. Even the trees… seem unfamiliar… or maybe just unfriendly. They claw at the sky with gnashing branches and gnarled strands of bark. I’ve gotten so lost, I’ve found myself on the outskirts of camp several times. It’s a lucky break that no one’s seen me, dragged me back.

[Sigh] I… am so tired. Ugh… I doubt the Elephant Man is even waiting for me anymore. I bet it’d be fine if I… took a nap here, right? I’m just… [Dark laugh] really in a lot of pain.

[HE SITS DOWN]

… 

One by one, we all stay alive… I’ll move forward. 

[HE STANDS UP, STUMBLING]

I’ve gotten lost in this forest before, and it never beguiled me forever.

Okay, trudging on. Back into my pocket you go… 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

YVONNE

Hiiii, it’s me, Sydneyyyy! Good morning, kids! Just because your parents love you doesn’t mean they won’t hurt you, and you’re all going to die one day! Maybe today, who knows? All you can really do is pray, and even that doesn’t usually work! Well, breakfast is sludge!

Hahahahaha. Just kidding. It’s Yvonne, you know me. I’m doing the announcements this time. Got you, though, right? Totally got you.

So, Sydney is… still gone… and Jedidiah is — busy. Mmyeah! So, I’m filling in as the nurse, since I also went to medical school. For a little while. And since I’m doing that, I figure I’ll also fill in with the announcements! So, hi. Let me just… look at Sydney’s notes here… gimme a sec… 

This… uh… 

… What?

Sorry, I… 

This has to be… I think there’s… okay, what the hell is this?

[SOUNDS OF SHUFFLING PAPERS]

This is… unreadable. It’s… I don’t even know where to start. There’s these meaningless doodles scattered everywhere, and some of this is written in — invisible ink? — and all of the sentences are written in… different directions… like some of them are written right-to-left or even top-to-bottom. I… I swear to God, the more I look at it, the more I feel like all the letters are, like… moving. Like, letters always switch up when you have dyslexia, but this is different. They’re, like… dancing around.

Okay, I’m… not going to even try to read this. I will just… give the announcements from memory, I guess.

Uhhhhhh… lunch is… uhh, well, you know, yesterday Matthew came knocking on my door asking for toothpaste, so… maybe that’s an ingredient? Have we already done that one? Matthew’s making toothpaste cupcakes, or something. Yeah, that’s viable. Get ready for toothpaste cupcakes —

[THE DOOR OPENS]

Oh, thank God. Jedidiah.

JEDIDIAH

Hi. Juniper should be fired.

YVONNE

The mic’s on, dude.

JEDIDIAH

Just kidding, children.

YVONNE 

Nice.

JEDIDIAH

Mm.

YVONNE

Any news on Sydney?

JEDIDIAH

None. I’m gonna talk to Lucille about setting up a search party. If she says no, I’ll go out there myself. Can you hold down the fort for the rest of the afternoon?

YVONNE

Yeah, man, yeah. As long as you don’t make me do the announcements again.

JEDIDIAH

[Small laugh] Sure.

YVONNE

Speaking of the announcements, can you — can you read these?

JEDIDIAH

What, like, out loud?

YVONNE

No, like… can you understand it. Like, at all.

JEDIDIAH

Of course I can, it’s — plain English.

YVONNE

[She laughs sardonically] Of course that’s what you’d say. Okay, well, go ahead and read it out for the kids.

JEDIDIAH

Uh… yeah, okay. Today’s lunch is orange party. Activities… orange party.

YVONNE

Incredible.

JEDIDIAH

What’s your deal with Sydney’s notes—?

YVONNE

These notes are, like, the dead sea scrolls. Do you not see it — ? Oh, uh. Sorry, kids. Happy lunch. 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[SOUNDS OF BIRDS AND FOOTSTEPS]

SYDNEY

I feel like — shit. My back hurts. My legs are burning. There are needles in my feet… I… and I’m starting to feel ill, like…  it’s hard to breathe… I… I just want to sleep, but I feel like if I fall asleep here, I’ll never wake up. A while ago I gave up trying to find the Elephant Man… I’ve just been looking for — anything. Anything familiar. Anywhere I can feel safe to sit down.

Hhahhh… and the kids… I didn’t mean to be absent today. This was just supposed to be a little, y’know, nighttime romp… but I don’t trust Jedidiah to man the nurse’s office. What’s gonna happen if someone gets hurt?

… I’m thinking a lot. My body is failing, but my mind feels… able, right now. Ghost recorder, can I… can I tell you a story? It always cheers me up… telling stories.

… My mother’s house was poison. With every passing year that I lived in that filthy place, I got sicker and sicker. I would hide myself away. I would starve. I began to stumble instead of walk. I would try not to blink for fear that I wouldn’t be able to open my eyes. I was so tired, even the effort it took to breathe was viscerally felt.

One day, I told that woman I was leaving. I stuffed a few backpacks and a duffle bag full of clothes, and I told her that if she ever wanted to say goodbye to me, now was her chance.

She barely looked up from her screen.

I wanted her to get angry. I wanted a fight. I wanted consequences. I… I wanted… it to matter. 

But it didn’t. I had to come to terms with that quickly. 

It was raining that night, violently. I was immediately drenched in the cold, in the dark. But I wasn’t going back in there, I wasn’t going to tell her I’d changed my mind. Even though I knew she wouldn’t respond… I’d decided I didn’t need her, and admitting I did was out of the question. 

I walked for nearly 2 miles, back when my joints could still sort of handle it, drenched to my bones in cold water, and shivering until my teeth hurt. 

And that is how, just five days before my 17th birthday, in the dead of night, I ended up on Jedidiah’s doorstep, shaking from the Winter rain, jumping at the lightning, and feeling my limbs numb with fear.

He let me in. Lucille was home, and she invited me to dry myself and lie down. I asked her how long I could stay. She said I didn’t have to worry about that right now.

She was kind then. So was Jedidiah.

Me and Jedidiah had already been… close… for a long time. Our relationship was… weird. We never put a label on it. I don’t think either of us felt like we needed to. No matter what we “were”, we’d still… love each other. We’d still tell each other everything… spend all our time together… sneak into each other’s rooms at night… 

I was not… I was not a stranger to… intimate relationships by then. But Jedidiah was different. He gave a shit about me. And when he told me he loved me, all awkward like it was the first time every time, it wasn’t because he wanted something out of me. He just wanted me to know.

But things changed. We grew up, and he pulled away. Now he only talks to me when he wants to convince me I’m overreacting so I don’t burden him. Or to hear me reassure him I don’t hold anything against him. He only offers anything to me when it suits him, when it benefits him, and he doesn’t love me more than anyone else… 

And honestly… what’s one meeting with The Elephant Man, compared to the past six years of that? Yeah, the guy is a creep. But at least he wants anything to do with me. It’s been a long time… since… s-since I got to feel like that.

Whatever, y’know? 

[SOUND FADES OUT]

[CLICK]

JEDIDIAH

Hi kids. I… hi. I hope you had a good afternoon… and I am sorry to report that Sydney has… not returned. I did go out looking for him, but… could not find any sign.

[Sigh] Tonight’s dinner is caterpillar squash casserole and grapesteak. Vegans get cheese custard. Alright. You, uh… you enjoy yourselves tonight. If any of you see Sydney around… get him, I guess. Tell him… [Sigh] to come back.

… 

Bye. 

[CLICK]

[SOUNDS OF WIND AND WIND CHIMES]

SYDNEY

I saw… a bluejay… perched on a huge, twisted tree… 

It was so… so tired… it couldn’t even fly. A many legged insect… crept along the branch… crept up the bird’s leg… through its feathers… coiled… around its little neck. The bluejay was too tired to fight or screech. It fell… to the earth… the centipede… forced its way down the bluejay’s throat. Feasted on its heart… 

I’m in hell. I’m in hell… I’m… in hell… 

[THE WIND GETS LOUDER, BEFORE ABRUPTLY CUTTING OFF] 

[PROLONGED SILENCE]

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of  Marisol Yuchengco was played by JV Hampton Van-Sant. The part of Yvonne Marley was played by Emily Safko. Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Alexandria Scott, Machaela Mcqueen, Frencesca Raggio, and Jillian.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: I opened two gifts today. They were my eyes. Thank you.

Mayfield & Belov presents: Camp Here & There
Episode Seventeen: The Hallucination of the Hive

[CLICK]

[DING]

SYDNEY

Good morning, campers, and happy 8:60 AM! The sky is [Sniffs] a happy, honey yellow, with streaks of cinnamon brown… a delicious, glass-candy canopy that just makes you wanna [He slaps the table] Lickk… !

Phew. Today is a very special day, my friends. Today, June 24th, 2021, is Camp Here & There’s annual Lake Day! I was worried the wet festivities might get cancelled after a chunk of the goo from last week seeped into the lake, but it’s been successfully extracted and despised into nonexistence, so things are all on schedule. Our lake guards, Juno and Mila, spent all night setting up a wonderland of aquatic attractions for you all to enjoy — an inflatable obstacle course upon the lake’s surface; a watergun battle arena on the shore; a waterslide to nowhere; and a petting zoo of adorable lake-dwelling creatures, such as crocodiles… and cats! 

Of course, all that hard work left the two of them utterly pooped, which means your friends Juniper and Marisol will be filling in as substitute lake guards! They’re, uh, not technically certified, though, and for all Juniper’s claims that he “knows the ocean like he knows beans on the cob”, he is suspiciously unwilling to demonstrate any ability to swim. So… be extra careful out there, I think. At the very least, please stay away from the cats.

[Forcefully excited] Anyways, Lake Day! Awesome! Wow! Of course, personally, I hate getting wet — I don’t enjoy the way my skin curls and knots at the joints when submerged. But I think you’ll find that a certain assistant nurse of mine is quite fond of swimming, and emerges from his office pretty reliably on this specific day. So, despite my personal struggles with hydrophobia, this is really possibly my favorite day of the year. It takes me back to a simpler time when Jeddie and I were your age, and we’d head down to the community pool — he in his nerdy little Star Wars themed swim trunks, and me in full Victorian mourning dress. He would swim his laps and try to convince me to get in the water, while I would stand around in the sweltering sun and kick dirt into the pool out of random spite. Ahhhh… childhood. To think, back then, I thought my life couldn’t possibly get worse.

[LONG PAUSE]

We’ve got a great variety of water-based activities planned for you all, both the competitive and the leisurely sorts! No camper is required to spend the day like this, but I’d really like to encourage every one of you take advantage of this unique opportunity to beat the heat. Get out there! Get wet! Socialize with your friends and counselors, and with my reclusive assistant! And, ah, please do not make fun of him when he takes his shirt off like a few of you did last year. He might act like he doesn’t care, but he is a bit sensitive!

On a sidenote, here’s a message Rowan has asked me to deliver to you kids: stop peeing in the wormhole that mysteriously opened up in Cabin Magpie Moth the other day. I understand that it’s more convenient than the actual camp toilets — and we’re working on the goo leviathan, alright? — but at the end of the day, we really have no idea where that wormhole leads to. What if the President of America is on the other side of that wormhole? What if you’ve all been peeing on the President? As hilarious as that would objectively be, it would have major consequences for the continued operation of our camp, so please. If you really can’t navigate the sanitorium, there’s a normal, completely euclidian bathroom in the nurse’s office. [Sing-songy] Pee responsibly!

For breakfast today we have chocolate… onions. Our camp chef Matthew wishes to relay a statement on behalf of our trusty local grocer, HarmlessMart, which — oh, [Paper rustling] he’s handing it to me now, ah, yes, okay — it reads, as follows:

“If you or a loved one have recently purchased or consumed HarmlessMart 300th Anniversary oranges, you may be eligible for compensation. It’s recently come to our attention that some of our customers were under the impression that our recent line of HarmlessMart 300th Anniversary oranges are food. We’re here to set the record straight: feeding someone one of these oranges would legally be considered assault with a deadly weapon. They’re not meant to be ingested, or even really interacted with. So, if you suspect the oranges in your fridge may in fact be HarmlessMart oranges, we recommend you use thick gloves and pliers to deliver the fruit in question to your nearest medical waste disposal facility. We’d like to formally apologize for the confusion, as well as remind our customers that we firmly believe in our policy of complete honesty regarding what you’re putting in your baskets… which brings us to the matter of the strawberries.

If you or a loved one have recently purchased or consumed HarmlessMart strawberries, this information might affect you — ” 

MATTHEW

`̵̧̼͚̲̹̩͚̹̩͍̲̝͎̲̤̏̓̇͊͋͗́̃9̴̰̫̥̲̥̩̤͈̣̠̎̎͜͝7̷͚͛͑̅̑̃͊̃̇͂͊͂2̵̡͍̥̑̿̊̐̈́͆́̉̐̄̈͐̓́͑}̷̨̟͍̬̩͚̲̯͈̏̀2̸̛̛̤̬̤͚̄͒̽͆͌̚͘͝7̷̨̮̺̮̣̝̰̳͐̌̈̆[̷̹̻̺̓̀̉̽͗̏̿̈͜͝͝

SYDNEY

Ah? 

MATTHEW

1̵̫̜͚͉͈̝̰̮͍̅̅̔̋̈́̇͒͑!̸̢̛̞̩̟̥̰̙͓̋̌̽̉̈́̆͌̊͠͝ͅ!̸̹̹͓̼͈͎͎̙̮̗̻͇̪͊̿͜͜!̸̹͓̝̍͛̿̾̀̍̆̍͛̔̚ͅ!!

SYDNEY

Ah, alright. Matthew is telling me that’s as far as I have to read. Man, this statement goes on for miles!

Alright, kids, I’ve got to go now. Matthew claims that attempting to cook with HarmlessMart 300th anniversary oranges left him with a strange sense that there was… more empty space inside his body than before… so I’m gonna try and give him a little taste of my pre-med magic, see what I can do.  You kids who partook of the orange pie the other night, do me a favor and… press your fingers to your sides… make sure you meet resistance. If anyone’s organs have gone missing, I want to find out before your parents do!

Alright, my little hedgehogs, you all have a wonderful breakfast for me — and an even better Lake Day! See you in the water! 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[DING]

SYDNEY

Best and brightest of afternoon to you, campers! 12:80 PM greets us with a richly gilded sky, swirled with streaks of glittering light like a fresh honeycomb. I’m sure you’re all just ravenous after that rousing morning of maritime merrymaking, so let’s get down to business here. It’s time for the lake-daily Lake Day report!

Sources filtering in and out of my office throughout the morning have informed me that the watergun battle arena has proven the most popular aspect of the Lake Day setup, with all of you kids doing what you do best — rapidly factionalizing; competing for authority using a combination of guerilla warfare and tactical diplomacy; and finally consolidating into military states characterized by strict hierarchical control and territorial aggression.

In fact, the water gun battleground itself has been unable to contain the conflict, which has grown to encompass the entire lake. For example, the kids from Cabin Grasshopper turned the inflatable obstacle course into their base of operations — seemingly a wise decision, as it has made their position difficult to reach and easy to defend. However, the kids from Cabin Silkworm had a secret weapon: the cats from the underwater petting zoo. As soon as those kitties and their claws were set loose upon the inflatable city, it was doomed.

Then, while they were preoccupied with celebrating their victory, the Cabin Silkworm kids were ambushed, rounded up, and sent one-by-one down the waterslide to nowhere by the kids from Cabin Dung Beetle! It just goes to show: the creation and maintenance of sovereign states amounts to a pathetic exercise in cyclical futility.

It’s good that you kids are learning this lesson young, so you don’t become warlords or patricians or something like that!

Now, all of that is good and fun, but in order to have joy we must also have despair, and some less-fun things have also happened today. For instance… [He sighs] I’m sure you’ve all noticed that Jedidiah has… not yet come out from his office. He has opted, for whatever reason, not to join us for Lake Day like I expected he would. I feel… stupid for being surprised. It’s just that he’s never missed Lake Day… I thought for sure I’d get to spend some time with him… 

Ahh. This is the kind of thing I got in trouble for talking about, I think! Don’t worry about that, kids.

In more context-appropriate news, Juno and Mila — who spent this morning napping peacefully on the lake’s far shore — turned up in my office this afternoon with a frankly gross number of caustic bee stings,  which I am now treating. The other side of the lake is bee country, evidently. And that’s not the only thing to avoid over there! Multiple campers and even counselors have reported seeing the Elephant Man lurking in the underbrush just beyond the far shore, peeking his head up and emanating his characteristic fervor.

Marisol and Salem have been advocating to cancel this afternoon’s kayak race so that we might spend that time dealing with these serious issues instead — yeah, I’ve been down that road, girls. Listen, I’m on your side, but I’ve learned the hard way… no matter how loudly you shout about what’s bothering you… nothing is ever going to change.

But don’t let me stop you! Haha.

Today’s lunch is ginger. You’re gonna bite the ginger straight off the root. See, Matthew is trying to get rid of all the ginger he’s got — he’s sick of the whispering. So, eat up!

Alright, kids. Mind yourself in the lake supply shed — that is to say, if you end up encountering yourself in there, try to leave without attracting your attention, okay? If you notice you, come up to you, try to talk to you… Jedidiah tells me that could make space crumple like an accordion. All three dimensions, flattened into one.

And — also — I didn’t think I would need to remind anyone of this, but please stop trying to know the unknowable object at the center of the lake! Trust me, we’ve tried everything you’re trying, and all it got us was a collective identity crisis. The more you squint at the unknowable object, trying to name the shape, the less you understand what shapes even are. I’m telling you, that thing is best left as it has always been: occupying whichever exact point in space it occupies, looking like whatever it looks like, perhaps moving around in some way or making some kind of noise, no one’s quite sure. So it has been, and so it will be; eternal in all directions in time.

Thank you! Have a good lunch!

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[DING]

SYDNEY

[Very grim] You know, kids, I never felt like I ever learned as much in school as I did in my own backyard. I vividly recall one gold-flecked day in the hazy past which I spent, from sunrise to sunset, watching a pitched war between two colonies of ants. In the end, a neighbor’s dog ran through both of the anthills, completely annihilating them by random chance.

I watched something similar happen today, as the indiscriminate chaos of the Elephant Man ended your campaign for reform, or even just recognition, from Lucille. And to me, kids, that’s the real value of the experience you’re getting at Camp Here & There. Through work and through play, you’re coming to understand the world.

So that’s the bright side of today’s events. All of you can walk away from this afternoon with a newfound comprehension of the utter futility of it all.

Let me be clear; none of you have anything to be ashamed of. You tried something, you failed — it happens to all of us. Even the ants. But since you’re people, you can learn from this. You don’t have to be like me and the ants; you don’t have to spend your life fighting for something that will just get torn away from you by the random whims of fate. Take this opportunity to let go of the idea that your struggling will get you anywhere. That you even have anything to struggle for.

[Sighs] For those of you kids who opted out of Lake Day’s outdoor activities and spent the day learning the secrets of Greek Fire with Counselor Warren in the Creativity Cabin, here’s the four-one-three on how things went down. Marisol, Salem, and a few other concerned or impressionable counselors were advocating for the afternoon’s kayak race to be cancelled, on account of… inclement bees. Mila and Juno, who really should have learned their lesson after getting stung themselves, held strong against the protestors — their joint passion for kayaking outweighed their common sense, as per usual. Ultimately, the decision to cancel the race came down to Lucille, but when the issue was brought to her desk, she predictably brushed it off with her trademark move, the classic grunt-and-wave. Thus, without an official cancellation order, the race proceeded as scheduled.

But the increasingly frenzied buzzing noise emanating from the edge of the lake, and the darkening mustard color of the sticky-sweet sky, indicated that the danger was very much still present. Everyone saw the pulsing, leaky stings that Mila and Juno returned from the far shore with, and just because I treated them quickly does not mean they aren’t excruciatingly painful and potentially deadly. I assume that’s why it was not difficult for Marisol and Salem to convince you kids to join the cause.

Instead of being in position in your kayaks when the whistles blew, you were marching in a large circle around the singing crystals — that is, the man-sized outcropping of bright yellow gemstones in the center of the sports field which forces anyone in its nearby vicinity to loudly sing their thoughts instead of speaking them. Your melodic cries of protest turned the everyday show of activism into something like an angry festival. And most importantly, it amplified your words to such a degree that they could be heard from behind the three-foot thick, reinforced cedar walls of Lucille’s office. This, it seemed, was finally too much for our magnanimous camp director to ignore. She sent a parade of magical wooden mannequins out to the sports field, where they started smashing the crystals with 16 ounce hammers.

Meanwhile, Lake Guard Mila, who was — against my recommendation — patrolling the far shore of the lake in her solo canoe, reports to me that she had an intriguing encounter. There, amongst the trees that clustered on and in the lake’s edge, his wizard cloak a-billowing and his scrubs in desperate need of a scrub, was The Elephant Man. And I know we’re all acclimated to his presence, but it’s what exactly he was doing which interests me this time. Mila reports that she witnessed him fiddling with a beehive — shaking it around like a jar of coins; peering through the entry hole; and even sticking his fingers inside and presumably wiggling them around.

After a few moments, he noticed Mila sitting there — at which put he placed a single finger up against his trunk (the universal shushing motion) and gestured with the beehive back in the direction of camp.

Could it be a coincidence? It wasn’t long after that when a storm of very excited bees flew in from the shore and washed over camp like a droning tsunami.

I’m sure none of you need to relive the horrors. Suffice to say that the majority of you are still right here in the nurse’s office with me, listening to these announcements live in studio. [Chuckles] It hasn’t been so crowded in here since the gramophone incident… [Sighs] but it felt like much less work back then, since Jedidiah was helping me. Actually acting in his capacity as co-nurse… 

Hm.

Anyway. Let’s try to have fun tomorrow. Huh? Maybe tomorrow, not everything has to be a… federal concern. Right? Maybe we don’t need to learn any lessons, for once. Just a thought.

I love you all. I know that for most of you, this isn’t goodnight. Depending on the severity of your stings, some of you won’t be able to sleep until the morning comes around. But for those among you lucky enough to leave me, for today, to leave me and my lessons and my lonely little office behind — goodnight. Sleep well.

[Ruefully] And I’ll see you again tomorrow.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[FAINT TICKING OF A CLOCK]

SYDNEY

Hi, ghost recorder… uh, do you think I was too… grim with the kids, today? [Sigh] I’m probably gonna hear it from Salem… I’m just too tired to keep up a peppy attitude. I feel like the bread at the bottom of the bag, squished out of shape by the twist-tie, with the crust on the back.

I can withstand any pain as long as it has meaning… Jedidiah doesn’t understand how much he’s taking away from me when he just refuses to explain his behavior. Does he not want to be friends with me anymore? Is he just depressed and anxious? If I understood it, I could handle it, no matter how much it hurt. But he decides to hit me with the double-whammy of hurt and confusion. I’m left to wonder if everything I’m doing might be the thing that’s pushing him away — constantly poring over all my decisions, just trying anything to be easy for him… I just have to bend, and bend, and in no particular direction, until eventually I snap.

And Lucille… don’t get me started. This past week — who am I kidding, these past three years — I’ve been concerned that she blatantly played favorites between Jedidiah and me. Today, something that was pulled to its limit finally snapped in my brain.

I saw how little she was doing to stop The Elephant Man from coming after the kids, and all at once I… gave up. I don’t know why I’ve spent so much time trying to get her to treat me like a person. But I’m done now, it’s better this way.

[Sighs]… Sometimes I feel like I’m getting to that point with Jedidiah… but he must love me, right? Or he wouldn’t act that way.

… Okay. Goodnight, ghost. Keep haunting this tape recorder. I’ll keep haunting this office… 

[DOOR OPENS]

JEDIDIAH

Sydney… hahhh. S-sydney… fuck. Are you alone? Can we talk?

SYDNEY

Uh… yeah.

[JEDIDIAH WALKS OVER]

JEDIDIAH

[Stuttering] That thing’s… not recording, right? I can’t… I don’t want, uh, Lucille hearing this.

SYDNEY

Oh, Lucille doesn’t listen to these at all.

JEDIDIAH

Ah, okay, yeah, but — maybe someone… else… does.

SYDNEY

Nobody — what? Hey, what do you know?

JEDIDIAH

I mean — you’ve noticed your tapes going missing, I’m sure?

SYDNEY

I — who do you think takes them? Do you know what’s going on?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t know, Sydney, I don’t have — that’s not the point, the point is, this needs to be private, and if you record it, it-it won’t be. It definitely won’t be.

SYDNEY

Okay? … 

[SYDNEY OPENS A DRAWER AND PLACES THE RECORDER INSIDE, NOT TURNING IT OFF]

[Muffled] It’s not recording… 

JEDIDIAH

[Muffled] It’s not recording?

SYDNEY

It’s not. What is up with you today, Jeddie? Gone all day with no explanation, made me treat all those kids by myself, and now you’re acting like a freak.

JEDIDIAH

[Sighs] I guess, I — [Exhale] I need to start by saying I’m… sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t acknowledge the Elephant Man as a genuine threat.

SYDNEY

… Are you joking?

JEDIDIAH

Why… would I be joking… 

SYDNEY

… Two weeks of abject denial, and the thing that finally convinces you is the stupid bee attack?

JEDIDIAH

No — Sydney, no. The bee thing was — a distraction.

SYDNEY

From what?

JEDIDIAH

While everyone was occupied with the situation on the lake, the Elephant Man snuck into this building.

SYDNEY

What?

JEDIDIAH

We’re lucky I thought to come and ch-check in here. I caught him about to try and kidnap —

SYDNEY

Oh my God…! 

JEDIDIAH

 — my journals.

SYDNEY

… Sorry?

JEDIDIAH

[Bordering hysterical] I don’t know how he knew where they were, or — or how he even knew they existed, but there he was, in my office, rifling through my drawers. I-I mean, he was this close to picking one up and reading from it.

SYDNEY

[Sarcastic] What a ghastly prospect.

JEDIDIAH

I know! And, I mean, God knows what he wants with them. Listen — Sydney, I promise you: from here on out, I will do everything in my power to keep him — away. You can count on that.

SYDNEY

Alright, well… since you’re all dedicated right now, why don’t you pester Lucille about this? She… only listens to you.

JEDIDIAH

Yeah! Yeah. You want me to — talk about — raising security around here or?

SYDNEY

Anything. Just get her to do anything.

JEDIDIAH

Alright. Yeah. Okay. I’ll try.

SYDNEY

Thanks.

JEDIDIAH

Sydney… I swear. I’m going to keep you… safe.

SYDNEY

[Unimpressed] I hope so. Thank you.

JEDIDIAH

See you — see you tonight.

[JEDIDIAH WALKS AWAY]

SYDNEY

Mhm.

[SYDNEY OPENS THE DRAWER]

Well. [Sigh] It’s something.

[CLICK]

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield and Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our patrons: Pinesicle and Moth.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our patreon, at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our Discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode. Find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There, and remember: Please… Please… 

[STATIC]

[CLICK]

Mayfield & Belov presents: Camp Here & There
Episode Sixteen: The Reality of Hallucination

[CLICK]

[SYDNEY YAWNS]

[DING]

SYDNEY

[Yawn] Hiiiiii, kids! It’s a laaaaaazy day today. The time is 8:62 AM, and the sky is a soothing, dreamy purple. We had stuff planned for today [Yawn], but… nobody’s feeling much like doing anything, yanno? And that’s… pretty normal for me, I mean, y’know, me and my [Yawn] creaky old body, it — it can be tough to muster the energy to tackle life on the best of days. [Chuckles] But today it’s magnified times tennnnn thousand…

And more than that, everyone else seems to be with me. Looking through my window I see… campers and counselors sprawling out on the grass, soaking up the sun’s rays… haha, Joshua is trying to do some cabin repairs, but he looks like he’s about to collapse. Stupid… can barely lift a hammer… hah… 

Out on the lake, Mila and Juno have fallen asleep in their canoe, and they’re just drifting along now… let’s hope they don’t capsize! Ahaha. I bet they wouldn’t even have the energy to swim to shore. Yep… it’s just that kind of day. A hazy, lazy, day.

I gotta be honest, the sensation is somewhat reminiscent of… of what happens to me when I see the Elephant Man… could be he’s the one who’s done this to us. Perhaps he’s [Yawn] found a way to magnify his magic that it… can affect the whole camp… and we’re all sitting ducks for some devious plan he’s cooked up. Wouldn’t that be scary? Haha. Someone should… probably be on the lookout for that guy… not me, though, can’t be me. I’m way too sleepy to get out of this chair.

Whatever the cause, I think we can all count on the assumption that nobody in camp is gonna lift a finger today. [Yawn] It’s too bad that Jedidiah left for a mediation session before all the lethargy hit, ‘cause boy, I would’ve loved to spend the day lounging around with him… goodness knows he could use the relaxation… 

Well. Since there won’t be any camp events to report on, how about I tell you all… some stories. How about I tell you about the dream I had the other night!

… 

Men. Men sure are mysterious. A man sits facing me across an ornate table. The table is red, like the paisley on the man’s suit and the apple in his hands. I note how much the man looks like Jedidiah. He takes a bite of the apple and his eyes roll up with pleasure; he sinks his teeth into it with utmost relish, making no effort to wipe the juices from his chin. He no longer resembles Jedidiah at all.

“Come! Dine with me,” he smiles.

The sky is as blue as poolwater, and it ripples — it’s as if we’re resting at the bottom of a clean, clear lake, though I find no more difficulty in breathing than usual. I can’t describe how it feels to see a blue sky… almost… apocalyptic. 

“I’m not hungry,” I tell him.

He grins at me as if I’d referenced some devious inside joke. He turns the apple over in his hand, stroking it, comparing the feel of the skin to the feel of the flesh.

“My dear,” he says lovingly, “you’re always hungry.”

I sit down. He produces an apple and hands it to me. I… stare at it, scraping at the skin with my nails. Though I’ve been invited to eat, part of me still feels as if I cannot.

“Call me old-fashioned,” the man says, “but where I’m from, it’s impolite to turn down a meal once offered. Go on, Sydney. Have a bite.”

He takes another chomp of his apple, only this time he bites straight into his fingers. It doesn’t seem to bother him — slowly, grindingly, he forces his jaw shut, tearing through flesh and bone with a sickening crunch. The taste of the apple mingles with the taste of his body to produce a flavor which he seems to find exquisitely pleasurable. Blood and fruit mix as they drip down his chin, creating a cloudy, viscous liquid.

I swallow hard. I stare at the apple in my hand. My nails keep fidgeting at its skin, tearing off tiny bits of flesh which fall to the floor. I want to eat it.

“Go on,” he urges, gesturing with the bloodied stumps on his hand, his smile now as red as his suit. “Have a bite.”

I give. I bite down… but before I can appreciate the taste, I feel a tickle in my mouth. Half of a long, oozing centipede spasms between my teeth, tickling the back of my throat…

I wake up choking.

[Ahem] And I’m still trying to figure out what exactly that one means…! If you’ve got any ideas, feel free to come down to the nurse’s office and chat with me about it… but [Yawn] later. Right now I… need to take a nap…

[Yawn] For today’s breakfast, Matthew has prepared some warm milk and fishoil tea. Mm… just the thought of it is… making me sleepy… [Yawn] see you at lunch, kids. 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Hnnnn… [Yawn] Hello, Campers. Good… afternoon? Haha, that’s the question, huh… ‘cause, y’know, I could swear that it’s been precisely four hours since my last announcement, and I’m never wrong about the time. But that clock up there on the wall… why, according to that clock, it’s barely 9:30. And if you’ll expend the [Yawn] momentous effort required to crane your neck to the sky, you’ll see that the sun… which should be at its zenith about now… has just barely crawled up above the horizon. [Yawn] Seems like even clock-hands and celestial bodies have to take lazy days sometimes!

Ahh, and, ah, we’ve got [Yawn] eyewitness confirmation that the Elephant Man is NOT behind this lazy wave we’re all riding. See about an hour ago… or, perhaps, just ten minutes ago?… the Elephant Man was spotted stumbling into the camp, collapsing onto the ground, and settling in for a nice nap with his face to the soil. Perhaps [Yawn] he intended to take advantage of the campwide lethargy to go on some kind of stealing spree?… Or he was here to kidnap me, haha. Whatever his intentions, this doomed foray into our territory proves that the Elephant Man is very much not immune to the lazy day effect, so he can’t possibly be the source.

Hm! Wonder what’s [Yawn] going on then. Y’know, normally, I would investigate or at least do some theorizing, but… gosh, I just can’t bring myself to care. And normally, I’d be really upset about [Yawn] the fact that I can’t care about… something I’d normally care about… hhaha. But I just wanna sleep.

But I can’t abandon you kids with no kind of announcement, so… how, so… h about another dream? [Yawn] This one, I had last night. In it, I was a child again.

… 

I’m in a backyard. It’s not familiar to me — not yet. I moved into this house just a few days ago, moved to be with my latest guardian, a sharp-eyed woman who pays little attention to me. Part of me hopes this arrangement will finally be permanent. Part of me knows it won’t. I’m seven years old, and I never understood why people get excited to go home. Life is the same no matter where you are… you get itchy. You get hungry. You get hurt.

I am in a backyard, hunched over the chunky soil. Weeds, foliage, and crabgrass climb up to my shoulders, tickling my cheek, amassing in clumps atop a tall wooden fence above me.. My hair sits heavy on the back of my neck, making me overheat. A small patch of raw, torn cuticle on my index finger is aggravated by the dirt particles as I trace animal shapes into the ground.  I tolerate the discomfort. I like it outside. I like picking up ants and shaking them off when they try to bite. I like listening to the birds flirt in the trees overhead. I like animals because they never forget to be scared: of starving, of getting eaten, of getting hurt or sick. 

I pull my hand up from a patch of weeds when I feel a tickle. I examine my arm — there’s a centipede crawling along it. For a moment, I just stare at it: bemused, almost perplexed. Then I remember to be an animal. To be scared.

I yelp and flail, squeezing my eyes shut, brushing my skin so furiously it begins to burn. The force of my panicked gesture sends me backwards, whereupon I tumble into an anthill.

In seconds,  the ants have marshalled their forces against my intrusion. Millions of tiny legs tickle at my neck, and they begin to crawl, and spread, and crawl. A mighty phalanx of ants marches up my child limbs, slipping under my sleeve and routing me underneath the fabric of my shirt. They clamber across my collarbone to curl around my ears and investigate my gasping mouth. I thrash and scream. They rally and frenzy. I am dizzy, wheezing, bright colors popping behind my eyelids as the insects begin to bite.

After a second which feels like a hellish eternity, I push myself to standing and frantically begin to run, shaking out my shirt and swiping at every part of my body I can reach. That’s when my lungs collapse. My eyes pop open in shock just in time to watch the world turn fuzzy; then luminous and kinetic; then dissolve into darkness as infectious spots of black expand into view. I cannot breathe. I cannot see. Even the feeling of the ants on my skin now little more than a fuzzy sort of fluttering, stinging sensation. And I cannot breathe. I take a few more halfhearted steps and collapse into the weeds. I cannot breathe. I cough until I puke. My body feels weighed down with sand and constricted with rubber bands. I have never known such a lack of control. I cannot breathe. The darkness, having taken my vision, begins tugging at my consciousness now. I cannot breathe. I give in. The fireworks fade.

… And I’m in the hospital next, cold and shivering in one of those open-backed bedrobes.  A grumbly doctor nurses an inhaler into my mouth. My newest guardian, that gray woman, is not there, and I do not know where she might be.

The doctor tells me I cannot go anywhere without an inhaler anymore. I frown. I should never have forgotten to be scared.

… I awoke after that. Weird stuff, right? You’d be forgiven for assuming that was a real thing that happened to me, a memory resurfacing after years of repression. And in the moments after waking up, I myself was convinced it had to be. But as I thought on it, I realized there were all these strange, impossible details! I mean, the sky was blue… the ants were significantly less than four feet in length… and none of the birds could speak English. So that couldn’t possibly have really happened! But why did my brain fabricate such a vivid and painful delusion? I wonder. 

Ahh, well… gosh… the dream talk reinvigorated me, but now… [Yawn] I’m getting sleepy again. It appears Matthew… was feeling a bit unmotivated about cooking this afternoon, and so your lunch will be… frozen dinners which have been microwaved en masse. So that’ll be good… I bet. I’m not gonna try it. I’m hungry, but… [Yawn] not hungry enough to get up.

Alright, campers. I’ll let you keep napping and whatnot. Never know… maybe when you hear from me for dinner, the sun will have slowed to a complete halt! Haha. No idea what we’d do then. Seems like it would be bad.

Okay, see you.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Good evening, campers. Yes — you heard that right — I said evening. Because the time on the clock is… drumrollllllll — 19:03PM! That’s right, time is flowing! Better start appreciating that precious youth of yours, because it is once again slipping through your fingers like sand!

For those of you who were fast asleep when the problem got solved, which is most of you, here’s how it went down. An hour or so ago, Jedidiah emerged from the sanatorium and was immediately struck with an overwhelming sense of slowness. He couldn’t know it yet, but though he’d only been in the sanatorium for ten minutes from his own perspective, he’d been gone for hours from ours! Stumbling over to his office, he passed by the sleeping shapes of various camp personnel: kids in the tall grass; counselors draped over rocks; Juniper hanging from the flagpole, fast asleep. It confirmed his suspicions: that some kind of temporal anomaly was affecting the entire camp — except, of course, the space inside the sanatorium; you know how that place is. And in his office, he found the culprit — one of his extra-special wall clocks had stopped, and it was gradually bringing time to a halt as well!

So, Jedidiah called up a couple of his buddies in the clockmaking business for their expert advice. The sky had still yet to turn from the milky lilac of morning when the men came — a pair of big, familiar, cheeky wise guys armed with meaty hands, hairy knuckles, faded overalls, and coffee-stained teeth. Seemingly unaffected by the lazy-plague, the good fellas bantered their way over to the administration building and took a wrench to the offending clock. What followed was one of the most bizarre and uncomfortable experiences I’ve ever had, as the entire day caught up with me in a single moment. You all felt it — the way twelve hours’ worth of dead skin cells immediately sloughed off of your body… twelve hours’ worth of laughter escaped your lips… and twelve hours’ worth of heartbeats rattled around in your chest. I feel like a new man.

But it was all worth it to see the sun finally set over the horizon! The sky is now a dark, royal purple, soon to be the familiar pitch black of the night, and the stars are starting to emerge. Everyone say hooray for Jedidiah! If he hadn’t called those burly men up, there’s every chance that time would have slowed to a complete halt, trapping us all in a single moment — a fate which, I imagine, is far worse than death. Though they would both be changeless states, at least oblivion frees you from the pain of awareness!

Aaaaaanyway. Funny thing about spending several hours in a temporal distortion radius: you don’t realize how hungry you are until the distortion dissipates. Luckily, Matthew, Juno, and Mila are working hard to churn out a big, hearty dinner for all of us. We deserve it, after a long hard day of languishing in the rapidly decaying concept of a moment! Tonight, our beloved chefs have cooked a feast of cloven hooves and clover biscuits. Vegans get a wonderful stew of spaetzle, rice, penne, tagliatelle, rigatoni, linguine, orzo, bucatini, fucilli, vermicelli, manicotti, cannoli, mafaldine, amphetamine, and farfalle! Wow! And tonight, I get a very nice treat of buttered garlic bread from Mila! Yes!!

Also, by the way, update on the Elephant Man: soon as time got back on its hamster wheel, he jolted up and scampered off without stealing a thing! One wonders why he came here in the first place. Perhaps he just wanted to take advantage of the sleepy spell and relax? Even a mysterious, stalkery hooligan needs to take the day off now and again.

Tonight’s activity is a yo-yoing contest, using a collection of yo-yo’s which Soren found buried near the death fields the other day. Try not to let the yo-yos make contact with anything dead! Or anything at all, really! Really, please don’t touch them, we don’t know what they do.

Have a good night, campers! 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[FAINT TICKING OF A CLOCK]

SYDNEY

Ghost recorder, old friend. Once again we find ourselves at 25:25 PM… I hope you’re faring better than I am this fine, fine night.

I’d like to let you in on a little secret. When I shared my dreams today on the loudspeaker, I left out a few details. First of all… the man underwater? Who offered me the apple?

He didn’t stop at his fingers.

Once he bit down on flesh, it was as if he got a taste for it… he just kept chewing and chewing, crunching through bone and spurting blood onto my face, until half of his arm was gone, replaced with a mangled, glistening wad of wet chunks and bone shards. Unable to wake up, I kept chewing through that centipede, its bitterly acidic taste stinging my tongue as it wriggled half-dead between my teeth. By the time I’d swallowed the bug’s last twitching segment . . . . the strange man had ripped his own heart from his chest, and was busy exploring it with his tongue.

For all his talk of politeness… that was not very hospitable of him, don’t you think? Ahaha.

Hey, by the way… something kind of funny happened about an hour ago. I was minding my business in the nurse’s office, petting my worms, enjoying the flow of time… when the Elephant Man approached my window. Now, that’s a sight I’m pretty well-adjusted to by now — it hasn’t gotten less upsetting, but at least it’s routine. If I just stay in my office, ride out the fear and the drowsiness creeping in from the edges of my mind, I know he’ll eventually stalk back off into the forest where he belongs. But it went… differently, this time. Just as I turned to see his inscrutable pink mask poke up over the sill, all the lights in the room shut off — the power had gone out, in the nurse’s building. And the Elephant Man… he kind of lost it? I mean, yelling, clutching his head, a total  breakdown. I don’t know what about a little power outage made him all undone, but for whatever reason, he just couldn’t handle it. He ran back into the woods, screaming his head off.

What a freak, right? But it’s good to know if we ever need to defeat him, we can just unplug a lamp or something. Haha… 

… Well. Alright. Goodnight, ghost recorder. I think I’m going to be awake for a while longer, but… I dunno, I feel more like thinking than talking. So… I’ll leave you to your device. 

[CLICK]

Today’s episode was written and produced by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield and Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Blue Mayfield, Beetlesprite, and Emily Safko. Special thanks to our patrons: Phoenix, Collin Roemer, Tmfilly, Ken Board, Caitlin Weber.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our patreon, at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our Discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode. Find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There, and remember: you were born naked and you will die naked.

[STATIC]

[CLICK]

Mayfield & Belov presents: Camp Here & There
Episode Fifteen: The Toilet of Reality

[CLICK]

[FAINT ECHOING AND DRIPPING]

JEDIDIAH

The time, uhm… is — there are no clocks in here, are there?

MARISOL

[Attempting to joke] The things that live in here must want us to lose track of time.

SALEM

[DISPLEASED NOISE]

MARISOL

Ah, sorry. That was supposed to be a joke.

JEDIDIAH

I really do need to report the time for the thing.

SALEM

It’s around 9:30. 

JEDIDIAH

Thank you, Salem. 

MARISOL

How did you know that?

SALEM

I just pay attention.

MARISOL

[Impressed] Wow… 

JEDIDIAH

The time is approximately 9:30AM and the date is… ah.

SALEM

June 23rd.

JEDIDIAH

June 23rd. I am, as per usual, Jedidiah A. A. Martin, co-nurse at Camp Here & There. Today I am recording a session of conflict mediation between… two very perceptive and opinionated coworkers of mine. This session is being held in the sanatorium, because our usual location of the art cabin is occupied for children’s activities, and Salem did not want to go to my office. 

SALEM

I don’t want Sydney to hear us talking, alright? I feel like enough of an asshole as it is.

JEDIDIAH

He listens to all of these sessions, you know.

SALEM

What!?

JEDIDIAH

It’s why I’m supposed to record them.

SALEM

I can’t talk about this knowing he’ll hear it!

JEDIDIAH

I mean, it’s fine. I’ll just toss the tape in the toilet and tell him it was an accident or something.

SALEM

[Spluttering] That… doesn’t really feel right either… 

JEDIDIAH

Eh? I-I mean, if it’s between that and not having the session at all… he would understand. It’s for the sake of — camp… cooperation and all that.

MARISOL

Sorry, but… doesn’t Sydney know everything that goes on here anyway? Because… because of the smoke?

JEDIDIAH

I-It doesn’t really work like that. He can’t just stand over the bonfire and sniff out any secret he wants. It’s more like a shortcut to information which would a-already be technically a-accessible —

SALEM

Sorry, I don’t exactly want to be in here for very long. Can we talk about what we came here to talk about?

JEDIDIAH

Right, yes, sure. [Ahem] In accordance with the, uh, terms of my employment, I’ve… uh… I-I’m doing a mediation session. Yepp.

MARISOL

Hey, wasn’t the goo all gone yesterday?

JEDIDIAH

Comes back quick, I guess.

MARISOL

Let’s do some cleaning while we talk. Keep us occupied. Also, I did promise Lucille I would do it.

SALEM

Yeah, I don’t mind.

[SHUFFLING AND FOOTSTEPS]

JEDIDIAH

Sure. Alright, you two, state your names and perspectives into the microphone.

MARISOL

My name is Marisol Yuchengco, and I’m very concerned about the Elephant Man. I love Salem, but I don’t think her priorities are right. I’m… worried by the fact that she called a whole emergency meeting yesterday just to advocate for keeping the kids in the dark, when we could be focusing the same energy on actually dealing with the problem. 

SALEM

[SHE HUFFS]

My name is Salem de La Marnierre, and while I agree that the Elephant Man is a problem, there’s no need to involve the children. What, do we expect the kids to help us catch him? No, it’s our responsibility to take care of these issues before the kids have to worry about them. They’re here to have fun, for heaven’s sake. Also, I’m sorry, Jedidiah, but Sydney is out of control, and that deserves priority too. He has a long history of making his emotional instability the whole camp’s problem, and the kids don’t deserve to have to deal with that.

JEDIDIAH

Right. Okay. Thank you, both. 

SALEM

I also love Marisol. But I cannot believe she’s okay with Sydney telling the children how terribly alone he is every morning!

MARISOL

Hey, that’s an exaggeration! He works hard to be cheerful for the kids!

SALEM

Not hard enough, babe. Everyone in a five-mile radius knows about his abandonment issues. Am I the only one who thinks the staff of a summer camp should focus on the campers?

JEDIDIAH

I, Salem… you… I mean, with all due respect, you don’t really talk to Sydney on a personal level. I do, and th-there is a lot that he works hard to keep to himself for the sake of the kids.

MARISOL

Exactly. And — and taking care of the Elephant Man is focusing on the campers! They’re in danger, right? It’s important for them to feel safe and happy, but when push comes to shove, I think we should focus on their physical safety.

JEDIDIAH

Right. Well — I mean — I do agree with you on principle. But in this particular situation… 

MARISOL

What makes this situation so different?

JEDIDIAH

Well, I, uh, I-I-I actually don’t think that— like… 

SALEM

What has he done to endanger the kids? Listen, obviously, obviously, it’s a problem that a random guy is running around taking stuff from us. But I don’t think it’s a problem we have to get the kids involved with, because he honestly doesn’t seem interested in them. I mean — have any of the kids even actually seen him? Because their stories about him come off to me like the products of a kid’s imagination.

MARISOL

Are you saying he’s not real?

SALEM

I’m saying that we’re making a bunch of imaginative kids paranoid over something that isn’t even their problem.

MARISOL

We can’t know that… we can’t know anything about him. We don’t know what he wants or what he’s capable of. It can’t hurt for everyone to be prepared.

SALEM

If this were a decently managed summer camp, the guy would have been carted off on day two, and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

MARISOL

I… yeah. That’s true.

[SALEM FLUSHES A TOILET]

SALEM

This camp is a toilet.

[MARISOL LAUGHS]

SALEM

Can we at least agree that Sydney’s stream of consciousness is not the right way to deliver this information to the kids? We could all — work together on some kind of — official statement about the Elephant Man, that is phrased in a non-scary way, that we agree to tell to the kids. Just letting Sydney say whatever comes to mind about this issue is a recipe for disaster. And it’s already started having consequences.

MARISOL

Sydney has the most experience with the Elephant Man. He’s qualified to talk about it.

SALEM

Sydney… tends to get very… swept up in what he’s feeling.

MARISOL

That… is really rude… 

SALEM

It’s just the kind of person he is!

MARISOL

So we shouldn’t take him seriously when he says he’s afraid?

SALEM

So we shouldn’t offer him a pulpit to preach from!

JEDIDIAH

Okay, listen. I-I don’t… I recognize my bias, but I also don’t really like how you’re talking about Sydney.

[SALEM GROANS]

JEDIDIAH

At the same time… I don’t think there’s anything the Elephant Man can do to hurt anyone. Like, he’s just a- a guy. Just one, weird guy in a world of much bigger problems, I mean, what is the big deal? Marisol, you fought him, and he just ran off. I mean, Lucille keeps a flamethrower. Yeah, it’d be nice if this guy was gone, but it would also be nice if the extortionist penguins were gone, and we don’t hold council meetings over them.

SALEM

Jedidiah, listen. I respect you. You’re one of the few people around here who usually uses his head.

MARISOL

Unlike Sydney?

SALEM

That’s — okay, that’s not fair. 

MARISOL

It’s not fair the way you act like Sydney is some kind of — I don’t know, some lunatic who can’t be trusted to speak for himself. 

SALEM

I’m not trying to be mean, you guys, I’m not. I don’t enjoy hurting Sydney’s feelings. But he’s an adult entrusted with the care of children! I — there are certain responsibilities that come with that and he’s just ignoring them!

JEDIDIAH

I’m sorry, I — nobody here cares about the kids like Sydney does. You can say that he’s not acting right, but you can’t say he doesn’t try.

SALEM

Okay, okay how about this: Sydney is trying to do what he thinks is right. He does not know what is right.

MARISOL

What’s he doing wrong? Oversharing? If you — if you think he’s talking a little too much about how bad his mental state is, then doesn’t — doesn’t that mean we should try harder to help him?

SALEM

You like everyone, Marisol, and you want to give everyone a fair chance, and fight on everyone’s behalf. And I love that about you, but it doesn’t always — work. Sometimes you have to be honest with yourself that — trying to help certain people in certain situations can make things worse for everyone.

MARISOL

And what about me?

SALEM

[STOPPING IN HER TRACKS]

… Sorry?

MARISOL

I’m terrified by the way that man made me feel. What about my safety?

SALEM

Of course that’s important to me, but —

MARISOL

What about Sydney’s safety? Even if the kids are totally fine, we have camp personnel being actively stalked and harassed. And I’m — it seems like I’m the only one who cares about this at all. Nobody else seems to care or even see it as an emergency for us, and I’m just — confused! And kind of hurt, because it’s like — it feels kind of like people don’t care about me. And I can only imagine Sydney feels that same way times ten.

[SALEM STRUGGLES TO SPEAK]

MARISOL

I’m sorry. I hate talking to you like this.

SALEM

It’s fine.

MARISOL

I just want people to care about this situation.

SALEM

I care, alright? I care about Sydney. I want him to be safe, and I want you to be safe too… 

JEDIDIAH

Nn. I’m… I’m not trying to argue with either of you here. But I’m kind of confused, because it seems like… nobody is thinking about this the same way I am… I — Marisol, what makes you think he’s any different than the other stuff that happens around here?

MARISOL

Because it feels different, because I’m very scared, and Sydney is too. Shouldn’t that be enough? 

JEDIDIAH

Well — I-I suppose — but… everything takes nuance and looking at the — the context of the broader world and the patterns that have played out here over the past few years, I — I don’t see anything that, like—

SALEM

I think she has a point, actually. Even if this guy is not a threat… your wellbeing is important. You’re right that I haven’t devoted… enough energy to that.

MARISOL

It’s okay. It’s… good of you to be so focused on the kids. I can’t be upset about that. 

SALEM

Mm. But I should focus on you too.

MARISOL

It’d be nice, definitely. 

SALEM

I love you, I’m sorry.

MARISOL

I love you too. You may have a point about Sydney, I understand, but let’s handle that later, okay? 

SALEM

Mhm. 

JEDIDIAH

Man. Did you guys really need me for this?

[THEY BOTH LAUGH]

SALEM

We are pretty good at resolving stuff on our own.

MARISOL

I guess I just got a bit anxious… I wanted to make sure someone was there to keep this from becoming a real fight. Just in case. Sorry if we wasted your time, Jedidiah.

JEDIDIAH

Nah, nah, it’s… it’s fine. Sydney likes that I do this… the mediation stuff. So… it’s good.

MARISOL

Listen, if you think there should be… some kind of rules in place about what Sydney can and can’t say to the kids, I… That’s not unreasonable. But… can you focus on dealing with the Elephant Man? Can you help get everyone else to focus on it too.

SALEM

Yes… yes okay. 

MARISOL

Okay. I think I’m going to call my one meeting in the next few days, and I’m going to tell Lucille that she needs to do something. 

SALEM

Yeah. I’ll back you up, okay?

MARISOL

Mm. Thank you.

SALEM

I’m sorry that my actions got you in trouble yesterday, by the way.

MARISOL

It’s alright. That wasn’t really your fault. Thank you anyways, though. And… I’m sorry for getting so mad at you.

SALEM

It’s alright, hon. I love you, alright?

MARISOL

I love you too. 

JEDIDIAH

Right! Well… that was a pretty successful one. Usually I have to do a lot more… you know… actually mediating. Maybe you guys should ask for sessions more often.

MARISOL

[Chuckling] I hope we don’t have to.

JEDIDIAH

Session adjourned?

MARISOL

I think so.

SALEM

Yeah, it’s good with me. Marisol, can you get the mop and the-the bucket? Gotta take this stuff back to the admin building… 

JEDIDIAH

I’ll be right out, you two. I’m gonna get rid of this tape.

SALEM

Right, that… good luck, I guess.

MARISOL

Right behind you, hun.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Where is everyone… ?

SALEM

[Calling back] Seems like something weird’s going on out here.

JEDIDIAH

Wish I was surprised… 

[Sigh] Sydney, I, I tried to defend you. I hope you would feel like I did a good job. Part of me wishes you could hear it… 

Ahh. It’d be manipulative to show you. I’d only be causing trouble. But… [Sigh] I’ll always try to defend you… 

Christ, yeah, I cannot show him this. I promised I’d destroy it anyways. Whatever. 

[HE OPENS A STALL DOOR AND TOSSES THE RECORDER IN THE TOILET]

[TOILET FLUSHES AND ABRUPTLY CUTS OFF]

Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Salem de La Marnierre was played by Crystal Lee. The part of Marisol Yuchengco was played by JV Hampton-VanSant. 

Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield and Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Blue Mayfield, Beetlesprite, and Emily Safko. Special thanks to our patrons: Sarchivist, and River Attinger.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our patreon, at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our Discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode. Find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There, and remember: Poetry is only dangerous if you allow it to be.

[STATIC]

[CLICK]

Mayfield & Belov presents: Camp Here & There
Episode 14: The Stones in Toilets

[CLICK]

[DING]

SYDNEY

Kids, we need to have a discussion — a discussion of real importance. A topic so deadly serious, the fate of the camp hangs in the balance. A responsibility which, if mishandled, could pitch this whole Summer camp institution right off the rails and into the dark canyons of hell. Have you guessed it? That’s right, children: we need to talk about keeping the bathrooms clean.

It’s one of those responsibilities we all share. Even I do my part! When the Summer ends and you kids and your counselors all go away, there’s nobody left at the campsite but me and Lucille, and, well, she’s not gonna do the chores. So it pretty much comes down to me to keep this camp ship-shape — and yes, that does include the sanitorium and the stone toilets within! I’ve got to do it, campers, because nobody else is going to. 

Especially not the snarling, stinking beast that has recently taken up residence in the sanitorium — a creature which nobody has ever seen with their own eyes, but which we can all hear sneaking around and growling at us through cracks in the walls whenever we dare intrude upon the urine-soaked labyrinth it has made its home.

Trust me, kids — that thing is useless!

Anyway, what I’m saying is, uh… ethics! Responsibility! Community-mindedness! If I can do it, so can you! I’m not going to name names, but to the cabin which has been assigned bathroom-cleaning duty for the morning: please understand that we’ve all got to chip in here. If you use that bathroom, you’ve also got to clean it. We are functionally a self-sustaining, isolated community in the depths of the wilderness, and it only makes sense that we’d all give as much as we get.

JUNIPER

Ah. Heh. That’s their whole problem, actually!

SYDNEY

Eh?

JUNIPER

Eh, you mind? I-I wanted to borrow your, uh, voice-loudener-mabob.

JEDIDIAH

His… microphone?

JUNIPER

[Bemused] Oi, s’that what they’re calling this thing? Blimey. What a little marvel.

JEDIDIAH

Have you never seen… a microphone before?

JUNIPER

Have you?

JEDIDIAH

I’m in this room a lot, so. Yes.

JUNIPER

Well, you know. Back in my old hometown of Legsworth, heh, we didn’t have any fancy devices of this like.

JEDIDIAH

[Incredulous] You didn’t have microphones?

JUNIPER

You know how it is! Small town on the English coast!

SYDNEY

Yeah, Jeddie. You know how it is. 

JEDIDIAH

I’m just — m-microphones were invented well over a hundred years ago. I-In order for a person to be completely unfamiliar with them, they — I —

JUNIPER

Gotta say, Jeddie, m’boy, you’re straining me int’rest with this, eh, science-n’-history tosh. No offense.

JEDIDIAH

None taken? I think? What did you — [To Sydney] what did he just say?

SYDNEY

[Giggling] Don’t worry.

JUNIPER

Ah. No matter, no matter. Water under the roof! Uh – Sydney, good man, uh, your michaelphone?

SYDNEY

Yes, sure, okay. Kids, uh — this is Counselor Juniper, who’s with me this morning. and he’s got — what I can only assume is an extremely important announcement to make. Juniper, you have the floor.

JEDIDIAH

[Whispering] Seriously, what did he say?

JUNIPER

[HE TAPS THE MIC]

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello, er… [Clears his throat] can you ‘ear me? 

… 

They aren’t replying. Sydney, how do I know they can hear me?

SYDNEY

They’re not — they aren’t supposed to reply. 

JEDIDIAH

They don’t have any way to reply. It’s a one way thing, it’s — it links to the loudspeakers.

JUNIPER

Oh, bally well, then. I’ll just assume they’re all ignoring me, like they always do.

So, er — you fine people all probably know that my cabin, Cabin Dung Beetle, is home to a, er, a real rebellious crowd. Couldn’t be prouder of ’em, really; they’re good fellows, jolly good fellows, all and one. But I, ah — they’re troublemakers sometimes, aren’t they, and, uh, today they’ve decided to raise another stink. 

Haha, get it? Stink? Because of the loo? It’s the loos is the problem.

Y’see, ever since that mysterious creature started slinking around the twisting halls of the sanitorium, nobody goes in there anymore. Everyone’s scared some many-fanged monstrosity’s gonna leap right up outta the loo while they’re doin’ their business, aren’t they? Don’t want to get a buttcheek ripped off, no sir. And I sympathize! I do sympathize. I, myself, I’d much rather wait in line to use the one loo in the administration building than risk an encounter with the ever-elusive Beast of the Bathroom. And yes, I’m talking about the same loo in the administration building that Jedidiah’s always cooped up in for what feels like hours at a time. What are you doin’ in there, Jedidiah? Haha. Don’t mind me. Just taking the piss.

JEDIDIAH

I — what?

SYDNEY

[Through laughter] Juniper — dude, don’t- don’t curse. You’re talking to the kids.

JUNIPER

Ah – Right you are, chap; do forgive me. Anyhows, the point is that since nobody is using the sanitorium, my campers don’t see a point in cleaning it. But listen, I went to Rowan about this issue — great fellow, that Rowan; good friend of mine, very handsome, helped me out of many a scrape — and he said that he’s actually been in there since the monster moved in, and do you know what he saw?

JEDIDIAH

What?

JUNIPER

Grime! Gunk! Mountains of it, green and sticky, dripping down the walls! The working theory is that the —

SYDNEY

The same mysterious entity which gives the sanatorium its snarling ambiance and charming scent also seems to excrete, or otherwise encourage, the development of interminable measures of grime!

JUNIPER

What? No. W-We think the monster is leaking goo everywhere.

SYDNEY

That’s… what I said.

JUNIPER

Well, speak the Queen’s English if you want me to comprehend you, oi? Anyhows, lads and ladettes, that’s the whole of my announcement. I’ll leave you in Sydney’s care. Cheerio, now!

[HE GETS UP]

SYDNEY

Alright, Cabin Dung Beetle, you heard your counselor. There’s plenty to do in there, so get scrubbing away! There’s a sense of community in it for ya!

Oh, and, as for the typical announcements… the time’s 8:67AM, the sky is a dusty pink, and today’s breakfast is inside-out-pumpkins! They say not to eat the seeds or you’ll grow a pumpkin in your stomach, and it’ll steal all your nutrients until you wither and die! That’s supposed to be discouraging, but I, for one, would be pretty excited for such a turn of events. To create new life just by living — to feed myself directly to nature — to exchange my mortal existence for that of a noble squash? It sounds positively romantic. I’ve always wanted to be killed by something that loved me.

For this morning’s activities — Cabin Dung Beetle, you’ll be able to participate as soon as your cleaning is finished — Joshua will be holding a jump rope contest to see who can perform the most impressive cherry jerries, tsunami sirens, and tongue tanglers. Yvonne is hosting The Gamer Hour 3, and Warren has prepared a morning of candy bracelet making! If I read this correctly, it appears the candy is insect flavored! A taste that can’t be… beet…le! 

[SYDNEY AND JEDIDIAH LAUGH TOGETHER]

Ah, one last bit of news. Soren is on cabin arrest for the next week as consequence for his magical misdemeanors yesterday, so you won’t be seeing much of him unless you’re a Cabin Ladybug kid. 

In a Summer camp environment, cabin arrest is the harshest punitive measure we can administer unto a counselor — short of firing them, of course, but Lucille can’t fire Soren because he’s actually paying her to let him work here. Quite a lot of money each Summer, if I’m not mistaken. He recently came into a massive inheritance under mysterious circumstances, and this is what he chooses to spend it on — now that’s camp spirit! 

Not that I endorse the man. Yesterday’s display was… whatever the opposite of “camp spirit” is. Camp flesh?

Anyway, that’s it for this morning — enjoy your meal! 

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Alright, campers. Hello… good afternoon. The time is 12:83PM. Let’s just get it out there: the sanitorium remains distinctly un-un-uncleaned.

But — to be fair — it’s not as though Cabin Dungbeetle didn’t try. You see, after my rousing speech about community-mindedness and social responsibility, the children of Cabin Dungbeetle did march dutifully into the sanatorium, intent on ridding it of the oppressive muck. But mere moments later, they all came stampeding out, screaming their heads off! According to reports from the scene, the kids claim to have encountered something truly appalling in there — something so horrific that all children should rightly be exempt from bathroom-cleaning duty for all time, lest today’s harrowing encounter repeat itself. Within the dark, dizzying stretches of the sanatorium, the children ran into none other than… the Elephant Man.

Though Lucille did not technically, officially relieve the kids of duty, they’ve refused to re-enter the bathroom, and I don’t blame them a bit. A slithering monstrosity living in the pipes, I can handle. But the thought of that freak watching me do my business? It’s enough to make me want to board up the sanatorium door and declare it an uninhabitable zone.

There’s further issue, though. See, as soon as the Elephant Man was spotted, Counselor Salem quickly volunteered to brave the maze to try and locate that devilish pachyderm. And after losing herself in those ever-shifting halls for a few hours, she emerged with the firm conviction that the Elephant Man has, in fact, never even set foot in our humble ablutionary facilities. Of course, this raises the question: where does the Elephant Man go to go? And it also raises another, slightly less important side-question: did the Cabin Dungbeetle kids lie to get out of bathroom duty?

Would a child really do that? Just come to Summer Camp and tell lies? I don’t think it’s fair to assume such a thing. Listen, my little fledgelings, I know exactly what it’s like when you keep saying you’re in danger and the people who have the power to help you just don’t take it seriously. I want you to know that I 100% believe you. The Elephant Man was in that bathroom. He’s got to use it now and again, right? The alternative is… truly too terrible to contemplate.

[Sigh] But Counselor Salem is… firm in her stance that he was never in there, and many around camp seem to think that Cabin Dungbeetle’s… admittedly troubled reputation… is reason enough to assume that they’re all lying.

Now we’ve got kids and counselors at each other’s throats at a time where we should be coming together to face a community concern!

So, now… I feel I’ve got no choice but to step in. Kids… I hoped it would never have to come to this, but you’ve all forced my hand. In order to resolve this conflict before it consumes us all… I’m going to have to do it. I’m going to sing the Camp Cooperation song.

I know. I’m sorry! I know. I… you have to believe me, this is going to hurt me as much as it’s going to hurt you. But I’ve tried… playing Mr. Nice Nurse. I’ve tried to give you all time to sort yourselves out on your own, and it’s not working, and… this is where we’ve come to. This is what’s necessary now.

I promise, when the song is finally over… we’ll be able to smile again. Hold tight to your neighbor, now. You’ll need each other to get through this.

[With increasing dread]

One.

Two.

Three.

[Singing]

Let’s all learn to cooperate

Teamwork makes me feel great

Let’s chip in and carry that weight

We’ll meet a dismal fate

If we can’t learn to work as one

Everything’s gonna come undone

And that will not be too much fun

There’s only one way to survive

For humans as a species

Society is in a nosedive—

[THE DOOR OPENS]

Ah, Salem! What a pleasant surprise —

SALEM

Hey, finish up your sermon and come with me.

SYDNEY