Hi everyone! Blue here. I want to tell you about Camp Lilac real quick. Camp Lilac is a summer camp in Ohio which welcomes transgender and gender nonconforming kids ages 12-17. Essentially, trans camp! In Ohio. 

For those 18 and up, we are also always looking for volunteer counselors. The camp is now re-opening its onsite location for Summer 2022. I will be attending the staff this year, and we hope to invite more people to this friendly space which welcomes self expression. 

If this interests you, registration for 2022 is now open. Links to the fundraiser and sign-ups are in this episode’s description and on our website mayfieldandbelov.com. 

Mayfield & Belov is not directly affiliated with Camp Lilac, but I wanted to take the moment to boost this thing which is important to me. 

I’d also like to take a moment to thank everyone who sent in their audio to help create the crowd for this episode. This was monumental and very special. A link to the full list of names is also in the description. 

Thank you for your time! Enjoy the episode.

–

Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Thirty: The Basket Case of the Nurse’s Building

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[CLICK]

[CLOCK TICKING]

JEDIDIAH

The time is approximately 10:25AM on the 6th of July. I’m Jedidiah A. A. Martin, co-nurse at Camp Here and There. I am recording a session of conflict mediation between… two repeat offenders who can never seem to agree on anything. In accordance with the terms of my employment, I’m dying on the fucking cross for you two again. Fifth time in two Summers, guys.

YVONNE

Lay off, dude.

JOSHUA

Hey, what’s this co-nurse stuff? Aren’t you Sydney’s assistant?

[JEDIDIAH BREATHES LOUDLY IN ANNOYANCE]

JEDIDIAH

I am Jedidiah Martin, assistant nurse at Camp Here and There. Happy?

JOSHUA

Mhm.

JEDIDIAH

Names and perspectives.

YVONNE

Ahh! Ah. Right. Okay. Yeah. Right. Ummmmm.

JOSHUA

Maybe I should go first?

YVONNE

I can do it!

JEDIDIAH

We are not having this debate again. Yvonne, you first.

YVONNE

Okay. Uhmm… I’m Yvonne Marley. As you know. And me and Joshua have got… big problems.

JEDIDIAH

Yes, well, I assumed as much… 

YVONNE

It’s this — Elephant Guy! You know? We have to… everyone’s all confused about this Elephant Man thing. It’s a big deal.

JOSHUA

Huge deal.

YVONNE

And me and Joshua, we — we just can’t figure out what to tell the kids! It’s like… do we tell them the whole truth? Or do we just try to tell them something comforting?

JOSHUA

That’s the issue.

YVONNE

And I think we should try not to scare them. I’m like the Salem of us.

JOSHUA

That’s you!

YVONNE

We should just tell them something to keep them comfortable and happy! Is my thing. 🙂

JOSHUA

🙂

YVONNE

🙂

JEDIDIAH

Alright. That… okay. Sure. Joshua?

JOSHUA

Yeah, baby, my turn. I’m Joshua MacHeath, and I think Yvonne is a big… dump. I think, we shouldn’t even worry about how the kids “feel”! I think we should just tell ‘em everything! Hell, make stuff up! Right? ‘Cos the kids, you know, what they hate more than anything is being left in the dark about big camp business. Yvonne just doesn’t get that. Isn’t she so unreasonable?

YVONNE

You’re unreasonable, you… dick… wart. 

JOSHUA

Fuck trumpet!

YVONNE

Wimpy little bitch. 

JOSHUA

O—ow… [Whisper] pull your punches a bit, huh… ?

JEDIDIAH

Okay, guys… 

YVONNE AND JOSHUA

[IN A SYNCOPATED MONOTONE] Help us, Jedidiah.

JEDIDIAH

Just let Sydney speak for himself. The Elephant Man is his issue, right? He would appreciate being handed the reins on his own narrative.

YVONNE

Ah… 

JOSHUA

Uhm… 

YVONNE

Right… 

JOSHUA

But the problem with that is… uh… 

JEDIDIAH

Hey, if my solution is imperfect, I’m open to feedback.

YVONNE

It’s just — it’s —

JOSHUA

It’s fine, it’s just —

YVONNE

It’s so —

JOSHUA

Maybe too perfect? A little bit?

YVONNE

Maybe that.

JEDIDIAH

Alright, guys. It’s been fun. I’ve got work to do, so, ah… meeting adjourned?

[JEDIDIAH BEGINS TO STAND]

YVONNE

Wwwwwait —

JOSHUA

Hey, Jedidiah, remember when Sydney and I were roommates in college?

JEDIDIAH

[With disdain] All too well.

[HE SITS]

YVONNE

He hated you.

JOSHUA

He did. After the first semester, he requested a solo dorm.

YVONNE

Anyone would’ve done the same.

JOSHUA

I was a big loser! You hated me too, right, Jedidiah?

JEDIDIAH

What is your game here? Is this some kind of psyop?

YVONNE

We just wanna reminisce!

JOSHUA

Just some good old college-day reminiscence. Just some old pals sittin’ down and talkin’ about bygones. What’s wrong with that?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t exactly… it — it wasn’t a good part of my life. It doesn’t make me happy to think about it.

YVONNE

Awwwww, what about our adventures together?

JEDIDIAH

We… it’s… I mean, you were probably the best thing about college.

YVONNE

Remember you were scared of me at first?

JEDIDIAH

I was not scared of you. I just… didn’t know how to talk to people. 

YVONNE

Don’t bluff. You were terrified of me because you were a good little Christian boy and I was a party goth.

JEDIDIAH

I… I was desensitized to the goth stuff because of Sydney. He exposed me to the fancy clothes and the shitty music for years before I met you.

YVONNE

Okayyyyyyy, but you have to admit, my hair freaked you out.

JEDIDIAH

… Your hair might have freaked me out a little bit.

YVONNE

Heh.

JOSHUA

Me too, dude. To this day. She picks the weirdest colors… hurts my eyes, Yvonne.

YVONNE

Oh, shut up.

JOSHUA

You shut up!

JEDIDIAH

Seriously, though, guys, what is this all about?

YVONNE

Do you remember — oh, my God, do you remember —

JOSHUA

What? What? Do I know this story?

YVONNE

Yeah, dude, you were totally there.

JOSHUA

[Gleeful] Eee!

[JEDIDIAH SIGHS]

YVONNE

Like, I tried to get Jedidiah to come to parties all the time, right? He was always, like, too scared and awkward or whatever —

JEDIDIAH

I was trying to make the most of my college education.

YVONNE

But one day, God, I guess I caught him in a good mood, because he finally said yes. 

JOSHUA

Oh my God, is this the time he put on that —

YVONNE

Shush. Shush. So I got him to come to this party, and it was being held in, like, someone’s common room, and they had a DJ. And they let the attendees take turns requesting tracks. Anything that could be found online.

JEDIDIAH

Oh my God.

JOSHUA

Oh my God, it’s this one!

JEDIDIAH

Why here? Why now?

YVONNE

And everyone wanted Jedidiah to pick a track, because they were all so excited to see the guy with the cross necklace come out of his shell. I mean, I think some of them were hoping he’d pick a Jesus song.

JOSHUA

Oh, that would’ve been funny.

JEDIDIAH

Did I do something wrong? Are you punishing me?

YVONNE

He picked something even better, though. Anyway, he kept saying no at first, but after a couple of hours he was kind of drunk.

JEDIDIAH

Auuughhg.

YVONNE

And finally he said yes. And the track he put on… 

JOSHUA

It was like — this weird, orchestral… like, nature song from a video game… ?

YVONNE

It was ambient music from the Skyrim soundtrack.

JOSHUA

YES!

YVONNE

And he danced to it.

JOSHUA

Like an interpretive dance about the epic history and lore of this video game world.

JEDIDIAH

I… cannot believe that you remember this.

YVONNE

How could we forget!?

JOSHUA

Oh, oh, guys, fuck, I have a story. [As he tells this “story”, he starts out enthusiastic, but grows less so as he realizes that what he’s saying is insane] Me and Sydney would play this game — Sydney would toss cafeteria hot dogs on the floor of our dorm, and he would tell me I did it and make me pick them up. And then when I brought them back to him, I would, like, joke hit on him, like “Will you date me now?”, right, like now that I — picked up a hot dog for you — and it was a joke, I mean, kind of, and he would always just, like… laugh and call me names. Like, really nasty words that I don’t know if I’m… allowed to say.

[SILENCE]

JEDIDIAH

Jesus, Joshua.

YVONNE

Hearing that made me feel sick.

JOSHUA

I’m sorry.

YVONNE

You’re sick.

JOSHUA

Okay.

JEDIDIAH

Guys, please… this — this really isn’t fun for me, and you obviously have some kind of ulterior motive, so can we please just — drop the charade and… why are you two really here?

JOSHUA

Uh… 

YVONNE

Fine. Jedidiah, listen… we want to talk to you.

JOSHUA

Yeah. And the only opportunity we get is these mediation sessions.

JEDIDIAH

You just… wanted to have a chat?

YVONNE

No — I mean, yes, I like chatting with you and I want to do it more, but — today, it’s more like… we’re worried about you.

JOSHUA

You’ve always been kind of neurotic, but… 

YVONNE

Lately, you’re clearly falling apart. I haven’t seen you so openly stressed out since… well, your last year of college. And we all know how that went.

JEDIDIAH

You… really don’t.

YVONNE

I don’t know every little detail. But I know it was bad. This time, I want to try and help you before it gets that bad again.

JOSHUA

Yeah. And, to be real… I wanna know what’s up with Sydney lately. I’m worried about him too. If there’s any way I can help him… 

JEDIDIAH

[Laughing with incredulity] Joshua… you want to help Sydney?

JOSHUA

Dude… don’t act like I’m like… [He’s a bit too offended to put this into words]

YVONNE

Yes, he does. And I want to help you. So come on… what’s going on?

JEDIDIAH

[Sigh] I… this is… sweet. It’s… nice to know you care. I—I mean that.

YVONNE

[Kindly] Of course.

JEDIDIAH

But talking about it isn’t going to help. So… I have to say no. Sorry.

JOSHUA

[Disdainfully] Of course.

YVONNE

Jedidiah… are we friends?

JEDIDIAH

Um.

YVONNE

Do you consider me a friend?

JEDIDIAH

Yes. Of — of course.

YVONNE

Well, then act like it.

JEDIDIAH

I… 

YVONNE

I know you’ve never been much for confiding, Jedidiah, but fuck, I don’t even feel like I know you anymore! If you think of us as friends, then you need to actually have a friendship with me.

JOSHUA

She’s been waiting to say that all summer.

YVONNE

Shut up. But… yeah, I have. 

JEDIDIAH

Alright. I guess I… mmn. I’m sorry, Yvonne. You’re… right… that I haven’t been present… in anyone’s lives like a real friend should. I’ll… put more effort in.

YVONNE

Thank you.

JEDIDIAH

What exactly did you want to know?

YVONNE

Where did Sydney really go when he went missing?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t know. 

JOSHUA

Why has he been acting so strange ever since?

JEDIDIAH

Probably possibly because he’s been having secret meetings with the Elephant Man?

JOSHUA

Who is the Elephant Man?

JEDIDIAH

I have no idea.

YVONNE

But we know Sydney has talked to him?

JEDIDIAH

Not… really, it’s just a guess.

JOSHUA

Then why did Sydney say he wasn’t a threat the other day?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t know. 

YVONNE

Is Sydney plotting something with the Elephant Man? Is that why he’s acting so weird?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t know. 

YVONNE

I find it really hard to believe that you don’t know anything.

JEDIDIAH 

What do you want me to say, Yvonne? Sydney hasn’t told me a Goddamn thing for the past week. 

JOSHUA

Are you guys fighting?

JEDIDIAH

… I don’t know.

YVONNE

That sucks. Must be annoying.

JEDIDIAH

It’s… complicated. I don’t blame him for it.

JOSHUA

Why?   

JEDIDIAH

It’s pretty much my fault.

YVONNE

So he’s ignoring you because he’s mad at you for something?

JEDIDIAH

Yes. Probably.

JOSHUA

Well what’s he mad about?

JEDIDIAH

I… uhm. 

YVONNE

Because you avoid him all the time?

[JEDIDIAH INHALES]

YVONNE

Why do you do that?

JEDIDIAH

I — I can’t —

JOSHUA

Have you ever kissed him?

JEDIDIAH

Wow.

YVONNE

Don’t be a creep.

JOSHUA

I’m just saying, like… weren’t you two dating at one point?

JEDIDIAH

No. Not… technically.

YVONNE

Not technically?

JOSHUA

What the hell does that mean?

JEDIDIAH

It’s complicated.

YVONNE

Just sounds annoying. 

JEDIDIAH

No, listen… it’s not his fault.

JOSHUA

So it’s yours? It’s your fault? 

JEDIDIAH

No, well, it’s not — I —

YVONNE

You guys have always had issues like this, and you always avoid them until they blow up in your face. Why do you do that? Why can’t the two of you just talk things out? 

JOSHUA

Do you need a mediator? I’ll be the mediator.

JEDIDIAH

Listen, Yvonne, Jesus, I… Sydney is… he’s hard, he’s hard to know and hard to care about. That’s — a horrible thing to say, and I keep my mouth shut because I don’t want to say it, but he… is… our relationship… I… it — it — he needs… help… he needs more help than a single person could  possibly provide. And that’s not his fault… all he ever asked for was what he needed… but I couldn’t give it to him, or I couldn’t give it to him while still being sane, and — and the proof is right in front of you, because I tried giving him everything he needed and I flunked out of college and I ended up working for my fucking mom. And I’m still the only thing resembling a support system that Sydney has. And it’s… too much. Too much for him, too much for me. And I can’t just… run away… but we can’t keep living like this, so… I’ve been trying to fix it. But I don’t know. I don’t know.

[SILENCE]

YVONNE

Wow. Um… okay. I… that is… a lot to deal with.

JOSHUA

If he makes your life so much harder, why don’t you just cut him off?

JEDIDIAH

[Chuff] No.

JOSHUA

Why not?

JEDIDIAH

It’s out of the question.

YVONNE

Why?

JEDIDIAH

Sydney is more than just a burden. I — love him. I don’t want to lose him.

JOSHUA

Hm.

YVONNE

Hm.

JOSHUA

The thing that you’re doing wrong here is keeping Sydney in this weird friendship-limbo.

YVONNE

If you aren’t willing to act like someone’s friend, then it’s wrong to feed them false hope that you might still have a connection with them.

JOSHUA

Yes, she’s right.

YVONNE

I’m always right.

JOSHUA

Can you let me have something for once?

YVONNE

Don’t be self-centered.

JOSHUA

I’m self-centered?

[A DULL, QUIET VOICE AND RUMBLING CROWD CAN BE HEARD FROM OUTSIDE, GRADUALLY RISING IN VOLUME AND ENTHUSIASM]

YVONNE

Yes. Anyways, I’m right, Jedidiah. 

JOSHUA

She’s right. 

YVONNE

Friendship takes effort. 

JOSHUA

Or you don’t be his friend.

JEDIDIAH

You guys don’t understand, I… even if I didn’t care about losing him, cutting him off would not be an option. I’m responsible for his well being, you get it? My parents sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars into paying for his college… I — he wouldn’t have passed his classes without me — he… he wouldn’t have survived if I hadn’t stayed with him on certain nights. He has a job here, a place to stay, a steady supply of money and food, because of me… you know Lucille; if she thought Sydney had fallen out of my good graces, he would be out of a job and home! I would be leaving him… with nothing. And none of this, none of this, is his fault… it is not his fault. His life, his parents, the circumstances of his birth, have left him… have… have left him without the resources or ability to take care of himself, and he hates that more than I do, and it’s not his fault, but he needs me. He needs me, and I love him. I love him… more than anything, and I cannot do that to him. 

[CROWD ROARS]

I just can’t… God fucking dammit, what is going on outside!?

YVONNE

I don’t know… 

[JEDIDIAH STANDS]

JEDIDIAH

I’m going out there. Session — session over.

[JEDIDIAH WALKS OUTSIDE AND OPENS THE DOOR, TO WHICH THE VOICE GROWS LOUDER. SOUNDS OF A CROWD MUMBLING CAN BE HEARD]

ELIJAH

And I stand before you on this rooftop, gazing down upon your circle of cabins, to deliver the good news! It’s sacred knowledge I’ve been cradling close to my chest for years, and I’ve deemed it prudent to share it with you all right here and now! Hear me! Trust in me! Learn the truth — that the world we live in exists in tribute to the perfect beauty of our divine Muse! You know him… you are blessed to bear him for every day you spend in this holy place… yet you shun him! Dismiss him! Blaspheme upon his name! Hear! Me! What are you worth without him? What are you in the eyes of the universe, for all your ignorance and neglect, but a sorry bunch of cattle? Nay; from this day forth, you will revere him as he was always meant to be revered. Be grateful! For Our Muse resides in this place, in body and spirit!

Who inspires the waters to flow over hills and down our throats? Our Muse! Who inspires the soil to pack together, to form a ground upon which we may walk? Our Muse! Who inspires the trees to fruit, to provide us with food to eat? Our Muse!

Our Muse! 

[THE CROWD STARTS CHEERING OUR MUSE! ALONGSIDE ELIJAH]

Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse!

Tomorrow, I am hosting a ceremony for all who wish to join our world in venerating the Muse! If we love him, the Earth will love us in turn! Together, poor cattle, you will become my sheep! We will pay our dues and earn the love of our planet! No more storms! No more fire, disease, rot, or betrayal! No more apocalypse! All thanks to our Muse! Our Muse!

[OUR MUSE!]

Come! Tomorrow night… Come! Chant with me! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! 

[THE CROWD BEGINS ROARING WITH APPLAUSE]

JEDIDIAH

Lucille? There you are. Are you going to do something about this?

[LUCILLE IS HEARD WALKING AWAY]

[OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE]

JEDIDIAH

Lucille… ?

[OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] 

[CLICK]

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Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Yvonne Marley was played by Emily Safko. The part of Joshua MacHeath was played by Ty Coker. The part of Elijah Volkov was played by Ryan Henning. 

Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Navaeh T, Saul, Ben Farkas, Absolutely an Axolotl, Moonlight Schemes, and Deez.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: [WHEEZE].