Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Thirty Two: The Pyre of the Muse

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[CLICK]

[DING]

SYDNEY

Tally hello, assorted breakfast-wanters. It’s 8:60 in the morning and the moon, you’ll note, is acting like it — that is, she’s nowhere to be seen. How sad — it seems she’s shelved her dreams of self-actualization in favor of what she feels is her duty. Well, if it was up to me, I’d say the moon should be whatever she wants to be, and to hell with the ties that bind her. Abandon us to the night! We can handle it.

Ahhhhh, to overthrow nature…

Anywhat. In light of recent events, I’m saddled with the unfortunate task of letting you all know that the nurse’s office is on semi-lockdown until further notice, and anyone who desires medical attention must be personally escorted by Jedidiah in order to be allowed inside. I really am sorry for this, because the possibility that some of you might experience a delay in care is distressing, but we simply can’t take any risks about someone unwelcome slipping in. I reassure you that I’m still looking after them — look, I’m waving through the window! Do you see me?

Not much to report this morning — thanks to the extended security measures you’ve already been briefed on, nothing too crazy has had the opportunity to happen. I guess the most interesting thing that has happened was that failed ritual Cabin Dung Beetle seemed to carry out this morning. What was the deal with that? All of you marched out to the bonfire in a phalanx, holding the once-stolen sentimental objects that the Elephant Man mysteriously returned last week, and you tossed them into the flame. Then you stood there, holding hands and chanting as if… well, I’m not sure I want to guess. [HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.] Anyway, nothing really happened, and in the end you all slowly drifted away like a bunch of disappointed continents. But… forgive me… I’m a bit jumpy today. Was all of that — ?

Ah — ! Look who it is! Jedidiah, come on in.

JEDIDIAH

Mallory scraped her knee.

SYDNEY

Oh, dear, alright. Take a seat in that cot, Mallory, we’ll have a look at you as soon as announcements are done. Is that all, Jeddie?

JEDIDIAH

I, ah — I just wanted to let you know that the delivery is on track to arrive this evening.

SYDNEY

Thank you, Jedidiah, for telling me.

Well, kids, we’re about done with the announcements anyway, aren’t we? Stay extra safe today. I’ll see you all at lunch — or sooner, if you happen to get hurt! Remember, go to Jedidiah. And have a merry breakfast, you all.

[CLICK] 

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[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Breathe out, campers. We’ve clawed our way to another lunchtime, and it may have left our fingers bloody — but hey, what are forks for?

I want to thank all the children who are reporting their Elephant Man sightings to me. It is a comfort for me to know exactly what he’s up to, even if it’s exactly what I expected him to be up to — that is, being a creep. Reports claim he’s acting quite brazen, not even retreating when spotted, just staring at passersby and eliciting small doses of that terrible, uncontrollable fervor. He appears to be watching for something — the right opportunity to strike, perhaps? Like yesterday, I advise you all to be on your guard and run away if you encounter him; and if he fills any of you counselors with fervor, you should use that motivation to, like, attack him.

By the way, with regard to the people who have started pranking the Splendid Advice Unicorn by playing him recordings of his own advice back at him, which he then proceeds to follow since it’s so convincing: he has informed us that it’s within our best interests to —

[HE PAUSES]

Elijah… the… Elephant Man… is outside… my window.

He’s right there. Right outside my window with his face and his hands pressed up to the glass. No mask… he’s just looking at me. The window… [YAWN] doesn’t seem to block his power at all… I… 

H-Ha… haha… have you ever been… so scared you wanted to run… but so drowsy you couldn’t if you tried? It’s a… it’s a unique experience. Would…. would recommend.

Um. Any… any help would be… would be nice… any counselors listening… campers, don’t, don’t trouble yourselves, but if any counselors could come over and… yell, scare him off… I… he’s just looking at me…

Gotta stay awake… I… look at the floor. Look at the… little stains and cracks in the linoleum tile… haha. That one’s shaped kind of like an aardvark. No one’s here… no one in the window, no need to look up… nothing…

He’s still here… [Growing a bit panicked] he’s just looking at me… where… is everyone? Am I alone… ? No one’s coming… where’s Jedidiah? Someone… help me… I’m alone with him… he’s just looking at me!!

[JEDIDIAH BURSTS IN]

JEDIDIAH

GET AWAY! GET AWAY!

SYDNEY

Oh my God.

JEDIDIAH

Back… ! Okay. He’s gone.

SYDNEY

Where — did you get that gun?

JEDIDIAH

It’s Lucille’s.

SYDNEY

She’s letting you borrow it…?

JEDIDIAH

Kind of.

SYDNEY

Jedidiah!

JEDIDIAH

Can we discuss this when the loudspeaker is off?

SYDNEY

Ahhhh. Okay. Ahh….

I… need a hug…

JEDIDIAH

Ah. Yeah. Here.

[THEY HUG. SYDNEY BEGINS TO LAUGH]

JEDIDIAH

What?

SYDNEY

You are so bad at hugging.

JEDIDIAH

[Laughing] Well. My mother never taught me.

SYDNEY

Mine neither, and you don’t see me making excuses.

JEDIDIAH

S-Sorry…

[THEY EXIT THE EMBRACE; SYDNEY TURNS BACK TO HIS MICROPHONE]

SYDNEY

Campers… I’m… sorry you had to hear all of that. I…

I can’t…

Mmah… have a good lunch, campers.

[CLICK]

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[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Good evening, campers. The afternoon has staggered by, leaving fear unresolved in its wake.

Since the incident at lunch, no further sightings of the Elephant Man have been reported. I’m not letting my guard down, but I’m glad that you all seem to be feeling okay. Some of you seem positively jolly, even — like earlier today, I saw the kids of Cabin Dung Beetle prancing around and whispering together, having a grand old time. In fact, I see them outside the window now… they’re all in a group… they’re heading towards the bonfire… Natsume’s got something in his arms… a big jar of… ultraviolet, glittery powder? Is that… nightmare powder? Yes.

Oh, shit.

[SYDNEY GETS UP AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM, KNOCKING HIS CHAIR OVER IN THE PROCESS. HE SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM]

[THERE IS A CACOPHONY OF NOISE: TERRIBLE, CHAOTIC NOISE. CHILDREN AND ADULTS BEGIN TO SCREAM IN A RISING CRESCENDO. THUNDERING FOOTSTEPS, SMASHING AND CRASHING; ALL MUFFLED BY THE WALLS]

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

TONY 1

EY! GOT A PACKAGE ‘ERE FOR, EHH, UHHHhhh… [Botching the pronunciation ] JED-DID-ID-IAH! J-EH, J-DI-UH, A “J” NAME!

TONY 2

ANY [Botching the pronunciation the same way] JED-DID-ID-IAHS IN HERE, WE’VE GOT A PACKAGE FOR YA!

TONY 1

I gotta say, Tony, this room looks pretty, ehhhhh… what’s the word…

TONY 2

Empty?

TONY 1

Yes! Yeah, Tony, empty. It’s kinda empty in here.

TONY 2

Well, look around. This was the delivery address. He’s gotta be hidin’ in here somewhere…

[JEDIDIAH RUNS IN, HARRIED AND OUT OF BREATH]

JEDIDIAH

You… the two of you… did you see Sydney on… your way i-in here… ?

TONY 1

Heyyyyy, there’s a guy right there!

TONY 2

Ah, good eye, Tony!

TONY 1

Might even be the specific guy we’re lookin’ for.

TONY 2

I dunno. Jed-die-did-dia’s a stupid name for an ugly loser. This guy is only one of those things.

TONY 1

Good point.

JEDIDIAH

I — don’t have time for the whole routine today — !

TONY 1

By the by, glasses guy, you happen to know what exactly is goin’ on in this camp here on this day?

TONY 2

It’s Sodom and Gamorrah out there.

TONY 1

Everyone runnin’ and screamin’ and tearin’ at their face-flesh like they got busted by the bulls. It’s crazy out there!

TONY 2

Youse folks have a shindig get outta hand?

TONY 1

Oof, we been there.

TONY 2

Oh, yeah, we been there.

TONY 1

I could tell ya stories!

JEDIDIAH

Can you both shut! Up!

TONY 1

Whoa, woah there, buddy, no need to get worked up.

TONY 2

Cool your jets, hoss, no need to make a fuss.

TONY 1

Take it easy.

JEDIDIAH

Did you see Sydney? On your way in here? That’s all you need to say. Did you see Sydney?

TONY 1

Ehh, Sydney… ?

TONY 2

Don’t know nobody named Sydney, hoss.

JEDIDIAH

You’ve delivered a package to him before? You — you liked him. He’s — pretty short, his hair is dark and — and really long…

TONY 1

Oh, oh, kind of — kind of, ah —

TONY 2

Kind of a curvaceous guy, no?

JEDIDIAH

I —

TONY 1

Yeah, yeah, kind of a voluptuous fella?

TONY 2

You don’t often see hips like that on a man.

TONY 1

It’s refreshing!

TONY 2

That’s exactly what it is, Tony,

TONY 1

Yes!

TONY 2

It’s refreshing.

TONY 1

Yes!

TONY 2

I support it wholeheartedly.

TONY 1

So, ehhh… are we talkin’ ‘bout the curvy guy?

JEDIDIAH

There — are some issues with — identifying him that way, but —

TONY 2

Well, don’t beat around the bush, are you talkin’ about the curvy guy or not?

JEDIDIAH

I do think we’re talking about the same person —

TONY 1

Ey, Tony, why’s this guy refuse to admit that this “Sydney” of his is a voluptuous, full-figured man?

TONY 2

I can’t say I quite get it either, Tony.

JEDIDIAH

I asked you a simple question —

TONY 2

You’re only disservicin’ your friend here by denyin’ his assets!

TONY 1

You ashamed of him or somethin’? You think there’s somethin’ wrong with the way he was made?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t — I — I admit he does — have — n-nice hips —

TONY 1

Oh, well, now you’re just fetishizin’ him.

TONY 2

Deplorable.

JEDIDIAH

DID YOU SEE SYDNEY LEAVING OR NOT?

TONY 1

Oh, yeah, just a few minutes ago.

TONY 2

Yeah, well, he was sort of unconscious.

TONY 1

Yeah, looked sound asleep. And he was bein’ carried by some guy wearing a funny mask, looked like a, uhh…

TONY 2

An elephant!

TONY 1

Right! An elephant.

[SILENCE]

JEDEDIAH

…Thank you. I have to go.

TONY 1

WAAAAIT!

TONY 2

YER PACKAGE, YA QUACK!

JEDIDIAH

Right — ugh — thank you —

[HE TAKES THE PACKAGE AND RUSHES OUT]

TONY 1

Sheesh. What was the deal with that guy, huh, Tony?

TONY 2

Some people, Tony. Some people.

[THE TONIES TURN THE RECORDER OFF OUT OF COURTESY.]

[CLICK]

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[AUDIO OF A PHONE CALL CONNECTING.]

LUCILLE

[Pre-recorded] What.

ROBOT VOICE

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice-messaging system. At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up, or press 1 for more options.  [BEEP]

JEDIDIAH

Lucille. Hey, I know you don’t check your voicemail… but… [Sigh] I guess I’m hoping that if I die tonight, you’ll feel motivated to listen to this. I don’t know. Either way, I have to say something to someone. 

[Inhale] So… here’s what you’ve missed since the last time you locked your office door. The kids in Cabin Dungbeetle… I guess the Elephant Man, uhhh, talked them into helping him? They… they dumped all of their nightmare powder, all at once, into the bonfire. And while everyone was freaking out, having fucked-up hallucinations… . the Elephant Man swooped in. It was — it was the perfect setup, because he… he got to rescue us. His weird fervor effects, they — canceled out the nightmare powder. He dragged everyone up out of this hell he’d created and filled them with the cleansing light of his faith. I don’t think anyone in camp actually worships Sydney, like this guy does. But the Elephant Man takes their fear and gives it a direction… I think they worship that. So they let him take Sydney away.

I was — I mean, I — I don’t really know how to explain it, but the Elephant Man’s powers don’t… work on me? I’ve no idea why. Maybe I just — well, I could theorize, but the point is that they don’t. So while everyone else was aglow with the saving joy of a new purpose, I was still in the nightmare realm. I was… pretty dizzy. Not very stable. I tried to chase after the congregation as they left, but… anyway. The point is, he took Sydney into the forest. And — everyone. He took everyone into the forest, but you, of course; and whatever they’re gonna do in there… [HE SHUDDERS]

So now I’m in the forest… trying to kill a priest. I have no idea where they are — despite the commotion just a few minutes ago, everything’s quiet now; and the trees seem to twist and shift frantically, like they’re filled with a fervor of their own. I brought one of your guns with me — sorry — but I don’t really know how to use it, and I don’t wanna accidentally kill a kid, so it’s just for show… you keep saying you’re gonna teach me. Get on that. But I’ve got something else too — a secret weapon that might save our lives. See, Sydney told me this story — how one time, the Elephant Man was looking in through the window when the power went out, and it disturbed him so much he just ran away. Me and Sydney think that what actually freaked him out was his own reflection. If his power is activated by sight — maybe we can turn it against him, right? So… I ordered a handheld mirror. When the time is right, I’ll hold it up to his face and pray.

[Inhale] I know this is gonna be hard for you, but I’d really appreciate it if you called in the authorities as quickly as possible. If the mirror ploy works, we’ll need someone to take the Elephant Man away, and if it doesn’t… we’ll need someone more equipped to handle the situation in the forest than me.

And, one last thing… if Sydney comes back to camp and I — don’t… please play the following portion of this message for Sydney.

Uh… [ahem] Sydney, I… 

Um.

I love you.

…Bye.

[CLICK]

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Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Lucille Bertuccelli was played by Susan Dohan. The part of Tony 1 was played by Tom Antonellis. The part of Tony 2 was played by Gianni Matragrano.

Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Chance, M, ChaiTeacup, Sunflowerprince, Lark Pelletier, Axolotl Mint Addison, Maxine!!! Sodaur, and Connor H.

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Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: They call it a “heartbeat” because your heart looks like a beet! Like the vegetable.