Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here & There
Episode Eight: The Goo of Friendship 

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[CLICK]

[DING]

SYDNEY

Helloooooo and good morning, my lovely little poison dart frogs! I’ve got to say, the sky is an especially mucous-y shade of green this morning. Lovely, isn’t it? Like the milky opalescence of swamp water. Milk and swamp water, mmm… classic combo.

[A PAGE TURNS]

Whoo! Well now. Lots of fun stuff on the agenda today. Also, in case you were worried about your good old camp nurse, I am glad to report that I feel much better than yesterday! My breathing issues are back down to their typical, moderate-to-severe level, and my body is no longer growing tiny leaves out the ends of my fingernails. Thankfully, as that was particularly annoying; I prefer to keep my nails long so I can defend myself from scary things like… men. I’m all like, HISS! SCRATCH! And they’re all like, AAAAH! MY EYES! No one stands a chance.

That’s my daily advice for you kids. Keep those claws long.

Speaking of claws, today’s breakfast is fox’s foot, mistletoe, and a haphazard combination of blue and yellow gelatin — Matthew has aims on inventing a new color by combining these two. Plus, Counselor Mila has whipped up a real special food of her own invention, which she’s called… ‘oatmeal raisin cookies.’ I’d advise you all to… avoid actually eating that, but maybe you could pretend when she’s looking. I-I do respect her adventurous spirit.

For this morning’s activities, Warren is once again inviting you to the Creativity Cabin — you’ll be making accessories out of whatever you don’t eat at breakfast. Folklore has it that wearing fox feet as earrings will ward off the wicked machinations of the universe at large. [Cheerful, and then faltering] If that’s true, sign me up, ’cause I could sure… use… a break. Yep. Dear God, could I use a break.

[Cheerful again] Haha!

Oh, and, uh, you also can join Marisol and Salem for knitting lessons. The yarn is not sentient this time — [Whispering] we promise! And lastly, Juniper and Rowan are welcoming you to play a fun card game they like to call Doom or Dare. Rowan assures me that it’s perfectly safe —

[LOUD KNOCKING]

SYDNEY

Huh?

TONY 1

[Muffled, and audibly from the east coast]

‘EY, ANYBODY IN THERE? J—JEDDUH—EHHhhh-Juh… oof. Tony, how do I pronounce this name here?

TONY 2

[Completely mangling the pronunciation of “Jedidiah”] Jed-DID-de-yah, right?

TONY 1

[Continuing knocking, repeating Tony 2’s poor pronunciation]

JED-DID-DE-YAH!!!!! ‘EY, BUDDY, WE GOT A PACKAGE FOR YA! BIG, HEFTY PACKAGE, JUST WAITIN’A BE JUICED!

SYDNEY

I’ll… be right back, kids.

[HE SCURRIES AWAY AND OPENS THE DOOR]

SYDNEY

[Off-mic] Hello — ?

TONY 1

CHRIST! Ooh hey-

TONY 2

How about a little warnin’ before you open the door in our faces, ‘ah, buddy-bye?

TONY 1

Seriously.

SYDNEY

[Ripping them a new one] Uhg? How about a little warning before you — start making a ruckus all — willy-nillied and poorly accented and-and all that? I was in the middle of an announcement, you know? You couldn’t have waited two minutes for me to be done? Now all the kids have to hear me yelling! And they- they have to hear your… big, loud voices. And for what? Just a package?

BOTH TONYS

[MAKING VAGUE DEFENSIVE NOISES AND ‘WOAHS’ THROUGHOUT]

TONY 2

Wo-woah!

TONY 1

Sorry!

…

‘Ey, kid, yannowhat, [Chuckles] you’re alright.

TONY 2

I like this guy, Tony, don’chyou?

TONY 1

He sure knows how to give a good talkin’-to, y’know? It’s kind of a lost art.

TONY 2

Ha-ha-ha!

SYDNEY

[Bewildered] Can- can- can you- can you just hand me the package? Jedidiah’s out picking herbs for me, and he won’t be back for a while —

TONY 1

Nope! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

TONY 2

You seem like a trustworthy guy, but [Chuckling] we can’t just go handin’ off illegal contraband to the first fella who asks!

TONY 1

Heheh, no.

BOTH TONIES

[HEARTY LAUGHTER]

SYDNEY

Illegal… contraband?

TONY 1

Ya.

SYDNEY

Jedidiah is mail-ordering… illegal contraband?

[AN AWKWARD PAUSE]

TONY 1

(whistles)

TONY 2

Ouch.

TONY 1

Sorry you had to find out this way, really.

TONY 2

Hate to be the bearers of bad news… Although, as black market delivery men, that’s kind of our job description…

TONY 1

But your husband is definitely a criminal. I mean… definitely. No doubt.

SYDNEY

My —

TONY 1

He’s a criminal.

SYDNEY

Okay, whatever.

TONY 1

Ya.

SYDNEY

Sure, I’m his spouse. That means you can hand the package off to me, right?

TONY 1

I, well, I… oof. Hmm.

TONY 2

That’s a decent argument.

TONY 1

Ya. Um…

SYDNEY

Yes, yes — so give me the package now and then I’ll—

[JEDIDIAH WALKS IN AND BUMPS INTO THE TONIES]

TONY 1

Heyyyyyy, watchit, pal!

TONY 2

[Simultaneously] Eyy, I’m standin’ ere!

JEDIDIAH

Sorry. Didn’t see you… Ah, e-excuse me — is that mine?

TONY 2

Youse Jed-did-DEE-ya?

JEDIDIAH

[Sighing] Close enough.

TONY 1

Not gonna give you the package until you say youse Jed-did-de-ya!

SYDNEY

You could just give it to me instead!

JEDIDIAH

[Incredulous] Sydney? Ugh. Yes, okay, my name is… “Jed-did-de-ya”

TONY 2

Hmm. Tony, what do you think?

TONY 1

He don’t seem too convinced of his own name. That’s — that’s my take on it.

TONY 2

It’s suspicious, right?

TONY 1

I — I don’t think we should hand it over.

JEDIDIAH

This is a joke, right?

SYDNEY

If you fine fellows give the package to me, I’ll hand it off to Jed-did-de-ya as soon as he comes back.

TONY 2

Now this guy knows how to talk to a delivery man!

TONY 1

And he’s got such a trustworthy look about him, y’know?

TONY 2

Those chubby cheeks! 

TONY 1

And those curls… d’oh, just take the package.

JEDIDIAH

Dear God. 

SYDNEY

Yes! Yes…!!

[THE PACKAGE CHANGES HANDS]

JEDIDIAH

Okay. Okay.

SYDNEY

Thank you for your business, sirs!

TONY 1

Thank you!

TONY 2

Sorry we never got to meet your husband.

TONY 1

Must be a smart guy, if he married a reliable fella like you.

TONY 2

Stupid name, though.

TONY 1

Very dumb name.

[THE DOOR SLAMS]

JEDIDIAH

[Sighing] That was… weird, but… thanks for getting the package for me.

…

C-can I… have it?

SYDNEY

Yyyyyes…

JEDIDIAH

Okay…?

SYDNEY

If you answer some questions.

JEDIDIAH

[Exasperated sigh] Sydney, I don’t really have time for this — hey, is… is that still on? 

SYDNEY

Ah — !

[HE RUNS TO THE MIC]

Have a good breakfast, kids! See you in a few hours! 

[CLICK]

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[CLICK]

[DING]

SYDNEY

— Oops! Look at that. Announcements just began. I guess we’ll have to talk more about this later.

JEDIDIAH

Oh my God.

SYDNEY

Gooooood afternoon, campers. The time’s 12:82, and I’m doing quite well, thank you for asking. While you were all absorbed in your morning activities, the Jedidiah Martin Mail-Order Contraband Scandal has been developing at the speed of nothing, because this guy’s mouth is sealed tighter than Lucille’s ears.

JEDIDIAH

It’s my mail!

SYDNEY

It’s black-market contraband!

JEDIDIAH

I — Sydney, those guys — would real black market deliverymen actually say they were black market deliverymen?

SYDNEY

I don’t claim to understand the mind of a criminal.

JEDIDIAH

You’re the smartest person I know —

SYDNEY

Maybe it was misdirection! They say upfront that they’re [Imitating the Tonies] “black market deliverymen”, so that we’ll think, oh, they can’t possibly be [Imitating the Tonies] “black market deliverymen!” But they are!

JEDIDIAH

[Hissing] I… don’t think that possibility is grounds to withhold my mail.

SYDNEY

Jedidiah, I’m concerned about the kids here. What if it puts them in danger, huh? What if it’s something so illegal that when they catch you with it, the whole camp is implicated to your evil schemes?

JEDIDIAH

It’s-it’s not.

SYDNEY

I can’t take just your word for it. 

JEDIDIAH

It’s — BARELY illegal. It’s-it’s-it’s like — it’s the kind of thing that’s only illegal in this particular state. It’s like Kinder Eggs.

SYDNEY

Kinder Eggs are banned for good reason! 

JEDIDIAH

Since when did you give a shit about the law!

SYDNEY

Language!

JEDIDIAH

Christ. Whatever. Do the announcements. 

[HE GETS UP AND WALKS AWAKE]

SYDNEY

[Ahem] Well. Whatever, then. [Sighs] Afternoon, my loves. It’s 12:79, and the sky’s settled into a swampy conglomerate of camouflage browns and greens. It’s getting harder and harder to know which is sky and which is Earth. Let me assure you, I know, but I’ll never tell… [Sighs] My heart’s just not in it today, campers. I don’t even have the gusto of my usual quippy, existential monologues. This damn box… 

Like, okay. Jedidiah’s always been a pretty private person. Even for me, he’s difficult to get a read on; I mean, that guy’s head is like a cheap coffin: thick, sparsely decorated, and it’s got a few breathing holes just in case, but you’re not expecting anything to use them. But the past couple of years… he’s not just been private, he’s been keeping secrets. And I just… whatever he’s doing… I — I know he thinks he has to do it alone. But if he would just open up a little bit…

Well, anyway.

[SHUFFLING PAPERS]

On to a topic that actually concerns you kids . . . . . the deer with no face has, unfortunately, resurfaced. Campers returning from last year will remember the faceless deer as the major orchestrator of a nearly-successful scheme to unseat the sun from its throne in the sky. When pressed about her motivations, the deer claimed only that she mistook the sun for a particularly gaseous mandarin orange, and wished to devour it. Also, alongside her proclivity for plunging society into eternal winter and darkness, the faceless deer has an extremely obnoxious personality. For example, she jumps at every opportunity to show off the travel slideshow from her vacation in Switzerland. When you try to tell her that Switzerland has not existed for almost forty years because the Global Chocolate Shortage of ‘83 caused the country to politically and physically dissolve — and also these photos look a lot like they were taken in Cincinnati — she’ll make up some excuse about the cyclical nature of time, and it’s just like — give it up! What is even the point of this lie anymore! No one is impressed!

Anyway, if you see her, don’t get too close. Despite not having a face, she does have multiple jaws, and the bloodstains on her teeth are not decorative. She claims that each of her jaws has its own brain and she can’t control who they bite, but considering her track record with honesty I can’t help but —

[THE DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

JEDIDIAH

[Off-mic] What if I answer a question?

SYDNEY

What?

[JEDIDIAH WALKS OVER]

JEDIDIAH

Would you give me the — hey, are you… um… uh… the announcements are s-still going?

SYDNEY

Maybe.

JEDIDIAH

O-Okay, I will — lemme know when you’re done. We can talk.

SYDNEY

Jedidiah, what do I always say?

JEDIDIAH

[He sighs]

[Reciting] When I die, I will rot.

SYDNEY

No — well, the other one.

JEDIDIAH

[HE GROANS IN FRUSTRATION]

If you can’t say something in front of the kids, there’s no need to say it at all.

SYDNEY

Right!

JEDIDIAH

So you’re not gonna hear me out unless we do it over the announcements for everyone’s entertainment.

SYDNEY

Right.

JEDIDIAH 

[Raising his voice] You know I could just rip that package out of your hands if I wanted to!

SYDNEY

…Are you gonna?

JEDIDIAH

Ugh! No!

SYDNEY

So why bring it up?

JEDIDIAH

I just don’t want you to power trip, okay? You’re only yanking me around because I’m letting you.

SYDNEY

Y’know, for a good Christian boy, you can be very prideful.

JEDIDIAH

[Embarrassed, voice cracking] I’m not Christian. Why are you telling them I’m Christian?

SYDNEY

[Handwavey] Christian in origin.

JEDIDIAH

[Sighs heavily] Okay. Fine. Listen, here is my proposal. In exchange for the package, I will directly answer… a question. Any question, okay?

SYDNEY

Mmmm… three questions.

JEDIDIAH

Two questions.

SYDNEY

Two is such an unsatisfying number. Three.

JEDIDIAH

Okay. Three questions.

SYDNEY

[Mischievously] Actually, what about five — ?

JEDIDIAH

Three questions.

[HE SITS DOWN]

SYDNEY

Okay. Okay… but you have to answer them with the microphone on.

JEDIDIAH

Yes, yes, fine. Let’s go.

SYDNEY

Okay. Threeeeeee questions. Hmmm… Any suggestions from the audience? … Haha, okay, okay. We’ll start with this. That “project” you’re working on… would you get in trouble if the government found out about it?

JEDIDIAH

[Slowly and carefully] There are… individuals in this world who would… seek to thwart me.

I think.

SYDNEY

[Laughing] Wow. You are talking like a villain in a storybook! Okay, what kinds of people would try to stop you?

JEDIDIAH

Is that your second question?

SYDNEY

Sure.

JEDIDIAH

Powerful ones.

SYDNEY

Powerful people?

JEDIDIAH

Yes.

SYDNEY

Like our government?

JEDIDIAH

And others.

[HE MOVES TO GET UP]

Alright, that’s three questions.

SYDNEY

Wh — no, no, that last one didn’t count! I was just getting clarification!

JEDIDIAH

I technically gave you four.

SYDNEY

One more. Please. Okay? Th-Then I’ll give you the package.

JEDIDIAH

[Sighs] Okay.

SYDNEY

[Quietly] What are you working on in your office?

JEDIDIAH

…Ask a different question.

SYDNEY

You can’t do that!

JEDIDIAH

[Raising his voice again] You can’t just take my mail and hold it over my head!

SYDNEY

Well — well I don’t feel like I have much other option!

JEDIDIAH

I — what?

SYDNEY

You don’t tell me anything.

JEDIDIAH

Why do I have to?

SYDNEY

Because we’re supposed to be f- [He gets stuck on the word] friends! A-and friends tell each other things! Right?

JEDIDIAH 

Friends respect each other’s boundaries. Listen, I really don’t feel like playing mind games with you. Especially not in front of an audience. I’m gonna leave you to the announcements.

[HE WALKS AWAY]

SYDNEY

Ngh — Jeddie, wait —

JEDIDIAH

Come knock on my door if you feel charitable, alright? 

SYDNEY

[Audibly distraught] Well! Let’s… shall we move on, kids?

This afternoon’s activities include… foraging for sprouts with Marisol, fish head juggling, and a game that Counselor Juniper likes to call “Rope Climbing While Your Hands are Coated in Olive Oil: The Game.” Also, Yvonne is hosting The Gamer Hour… 2! For lunch, Matthew is offering a smattering of smooth stones. Have a nice lunch, kids, and uh… h-ha-have a nice afternoon! 

[CLICK]

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[CLICK]

[DING]

SYDNEY

[Chipper] Good evening, my linen-swaddled pill bugs! It’s 19:05 once more — and yes, the implacable torrent of passing time has once again devoured an entire day, right before our eyes! But with each day’s end comes the joy of a new day’s birth, hmm? And each day brings with it new and thrilling opportunities to irrevocably change the nature of your existence, permanently cutting you off from your past self, for better or worse. Wow! I hope you’re as excited as I am!

Ahh, updates, updates. The annoying faceless deer has left camp again — she claims that she only came back here to “retrieve something she left behind last summer.” On a completely unrelated note, if any of you kids run into Counselor Marie Ann, could you please let me know? She’s been missing for a couple of hours, and I’m starting to get worried. She’s only been working at camp for a year, but she’s already a cherished member of our little community.

Also, a little update on Counselor Soren’s request for stones — he’d like to let you all know that he’s very pleased! Several long and impressive stones have been reported to him throughout the day, and he says that they will [Imitating him] “do quite nicely… yes, quite nicely indeed… heh heh. Heh heh.” What a pleasant fellow. I really envy his energy and passion sometimes!

You know, kids, I’ve been thinking about the package. And I think Jedidiah… is… right. I think that… holding that package over his head was my way of lashing out about the fact that I… feel like I can’t control anything in my life. I found a little foothold, a way to gain control over one of my problems, and I… went overboard. And the fact is, I shouldn’t be able to control Jedidiah. Even when he’s making me unhappy. Because he’s his own person, and I’m mine, and both of us will be unhappy if… if power dynamics enter the relationship. So… I hope you kids can learn from my mistake. And I think I’m going to —

[DOOR OPENS]

[JEDIDIAH WALKS IN]

JEDIDIAH

Lucille says you have to give the package back.

SYDNEY

Uh — hi? Sorry? What?

JEDIDIAH

I talked to Lucille. She says you have to give the package to me.

SYDNEY

I — what?

JEDIDIAH

What are you confused about?

SYDNEY

[Stuttering] Um. Everything? W — why did — are-are you saying Lucille is actually okay with you shipping illegal contraband into camp? But she starts seeing a problem when I — I — when I’m concerned about that?

JEDIDIAH

I’m not Lucille, Sydney, I can’t explain her perspective.

SYDNEY

Can you… I… okay. Uh. Okay.

JEDIDIAH

[HE WALKS CLOSER]

…May I have it?

SYDNEY

Are you… telling the truth? I — Why couldn’t she come over here and say this to me herself?

JEDIDIAH

She’s a busy woman. And even if I was lying, you still have no good reason to withhold my mail. So… Please.

[SYDNEY HANDS IT OVER]

JEDIDIAH

Thank you.

SYDNEY

I was going to give it to you anyway…

JEDIDIAH

That’s nice.

… 

Listen, come to my office later, I… we can talk a little?

SYDNEY

Okay.

JEDIDIAH

Okay.

[HE WALKS AWAY]

SYDNEY

[Barely keeping it together] Dinner, uh… Matthew… will know. What dinner is. Since he’s making it. So… you should ask him. And, um, activities… are… night time ones. Probably. So… enjoy… that.

Okay. Goodnight.

[CLICK]

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[CLICK]

[FAINT TICKING OF A CLOCK]

SYDNEY

It’s 25:25. Jedidiah invited me into his office tonight. It’s been… over a year, I think, now, since the last time I was in there. In general, it hasn’t changed much. Still got that corkboard covered in… well, last time I was in there, it was covered in photos of us from… y’know, the past. Now it’s just uh… diagrams and equations. The mechanical bits and pieces lying about the room make it obvious that something’s being worked on, but — but not what. Under his desk, I noticed, is a vault that takes a key… don’t know what that’s about. And I will say, I… I don’t remember there being quite so many clocks in there… all shapes and sizes, all keeping track of different timescales, all ticking and tocking discordantly… hm. Anyway. 

Jedidiah basically wanted to tell me that he didn’t actually ask Lucille to force me to hand over the package. He was just venting to her about the situation, and she… reacted like that. I guess he… didn’t want me to think badly of him. Or whatever.

[Sighs] I mean, that’s a nice thought, but it still leaves me with a few… concerns? I mean, for one, why didn’t Lucille have a problem with Jedidiah trading illegal contraband on the campgrounds? Why did she react so vehemently to my actions when I — when-when I-I just wanted to make sure the kids were safe? And — and am I supposed to believe that Jedidiah vents to Lucille? I- I didn’t think he talked to anyone… about anything.

I… I don’t want to be angry. A part of me really does feel like this is my fault, like I put myself into this situation by — by lashing out and acting immature, but — I mean, it definitely was contraband! I didn’t wanna say this in front of the kids, but it definitely was! Because there was a symbol there, on the side of the package, this winding, twisting geometric figure in thick black ink. It’s… a little difficult to look at directly — I mean, it pulses and drums, thins and thickens, it’s enough to make a normal person nauseous, but if I’m good at anything, it’s seeing things. And I know that symbol. It’s the symbol for the fairy market. A… government network for heavily regulated substances, magical reagents, and machinery. Scientists and companies can get fairy market permission for personal use, but it’s… a pretty complicated process, from what I hear. I don’t want to make any assumptions, but there is a fair chance that Jedidiah was… not supposed to have that.

[With renewed vigor] And by shipping it here, he’s making everyone complicit! He’s right that I don’t care about the law, but I care about these kids, and how would they be affected if they got dragged into federal proceedings?

And… and… I didn’t have to hold my tongue about that. I didn’t have to apologize, for everyone to hear, and say that I was the one who messed up. But I did! I felt so miserable with him angry at me, I just wanted to fix things… so I shut up and took the blame… and I still didn’t get to hand that package over on my terms. Because I don’t do anything in my terms…

Urgh! I would be so much happier if I could just accept that…

I called him my friend to everyone earlier. [Scoffs] Friend. As if we’re not… we’re not… [Sighs] we’re not. 

On… in other news… all the diary tapes I recorded over the past week have, uh… disappeared. I assume they’ve been stolen. Suspect #1 is the Elephant Man. Second suspect is Joshua. My third suspect is the deer with no face. But really, in this camp, it could be anyone.

Normally that’d be an exciting mystery, but… right now it’s just annoying. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go… interrogate Joshua about it. Let off some steam.

Okay. Goodnight. I’m… I dunno. I’ll probably just stay in here. Draw… haunted houses. And skeletal cats.

Bye, ghost recorder. 

[CLICK]

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Today’s episode was written and produced by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Tony 1 was played by Tom Antonelis. The part of Tony 2 was played by Gianni Matrigrano. Special thanks to our patrons: Trey Faded Facade, Will Rainsford, Fawn, Moonshine the Fox, and Vexos. Camp Here & There is the sole intelectual property of its production company, Mayfield and Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Blue Mayfield and Beetlesprite.

For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our patreon, at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our Discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode. Find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.

Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There, and remember: Put the Silly Putty back. You don’t need more Silly Putty.

[STATIC]

[CLICK]