Audio data from a single source, detailing a private meeting which occurred at SITE2 on day 960.
Audio data from a single source, detailing a private meeting which occurred at SITE2 on day 960.
MAJOR INSIGHT INTO:
• status & thought process of ENTITY1, ENTITY6, and ENTITY7
• relationship dynamics between ENTITY1, ENTITY6, and ENTITY7
MINOR INSIGHT INTO:
• SITE 2 procedure & policies
• behavior of ENTITY12
IMPORTANT NOTES:
• Aggravatingly, ENTITY6 and ENTITY7 continue to fail to bring up the topic of ENTITY1’s pre-limn exploits. Either they are faithfully keeping ENTITY1’s secrets, or they have both been stripped of all memory of what they once knew. The second option seems more likely; I would not trust ENTITY7 to keep his mouth shut in a swarm of locusts.
Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here & There.
Episode Nine: The Friendship of Enemies
[CLICK]
[STEADY, FAINT TICKING]
JEDIDIAH
[Sighs]
The time is… ah… 1:30 PM, and the date is, I — I think June 18th. This is Jedidiah A. A. Martin, co-nurse at Camp Here & There, and I’ll be recording a session of, ah, conflict mediation between [Inhale] two people who I had… dearly hoped I wouldn’t have to do this with ever again.
In accordance with the terms of my employment, I’ve made myself available as a neutral third party for the… oversight? Of… interpersonal conflict which has… grown beyond the… uh… which… mm.
Whatever, you guys both know how this thing goes.
Alright, you know the drill. Lean into the microphone and state your names and perspective on the relevant issue in a single sentence.
YVONNE
[Simultaneously] Yvonne Marley.
JOSHUA
[Simultaneously] Joshua MachHeath.
YVONNE
UGH!
JOSHUA
[Whiny] Yvonnnnnne, stop interrupting me!
JEDIDIAH
Jesus. Joshua, go first.
JOSHUA
(Mockingly) Heh heh.
YVONNE
What are you giggling about?
JOSHUA
Nothing! I’m just… I mean, I got picked first.
YVONNE
You are such a child sometimes!
JEDIDIAH
Joshua, if it’s going to become a problem, I’ll state outright that I told you to go first because I wanted to get you out of the way, like a child choking down his brussels sprouts so he can leave the dinner table. Not as a show of… [With undisguised disdain] favoritism towards you.
JOSHUA
Damn, guy, alright—
JEDIDIAH
Name. And. Perspective.
JOSHUA
I’m Joshua MacHeath, and I don’t think Juniper should stay with us. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love the dude, but—
JEDIDIAH
One sentence, thank you. Yvonne?
YVONNE
Yvonne Marley, and I think Joshua is being really stupid about this. Juniper needs a place to crash while his kids go all Young Turk on us, and we’ve got an extra bed since we had one girl go home early. Juniper is not a bad houseguest. He might be a little bit silly and irresponsible, but he’s nice and charismatic and the kids really like him. There’s no reason not to let him sleep in our cabin.
JOSHUA
Okay… she just got, like, four sentences.
JEDIDIAH
Well said, Yvonne, thank you.
JOSHUA
Dude—!
JEDIDIAH
[Raising his voice over Joshua’s] So, the source of contention is Counselor Sloan’s temporary residence in Cabin Silkworm. With that established, you’ll each get a minute to explain your point of view in greater detail. Joshua, you go first again. Starting… now.
JOSHUA
[Intentionally deepening his voice] Fine. (Ahem) Last night Juniper lost control of his cabin — you know, like a wimp. He keeps letting his kids, like, undermine his authority, and this is where that gets him! He just — he has. No. Backbone. Like, just a few days ago he was getting hung by the trousers as a sacrificial symbol of anarchy by a bunch of 14-year-olds, and then the other night he gets kicked out of his cabin! Like, they’re middleschoolers! Can you seriously not stand up to a bunch of teenagers? I would never let something like that happen to me. I mean, [Audibly flexing] I’ve been working on my muscles. Trust me. A there’s a certain quality to a man who can inspire the kids in his cabin to respect him—
JEDIDIAH
Please focus, Joshua.
JOSHUA
I’m focused!
YVONNE
No, you’re waffling.
JOSHUA
Hey! No talking during my minute.
JEDIDIAH
You are waffling.
JOSHUA
I’m pointing out the problem here! Juniper dumps himself on our doorstep like a scruffy little street-urchin, sleeps in a kid’s bed, and takes it upon himself to plan the day’s activities for our Cabin! Which not only totally derails the activities that I put so much effort into planning, but it’s an outright challenge to my title as The Man Of The Cabin!
YVONNE
Maybe his activities were just more fun than yours. Considered that?
JOSHUA
[Whining] My minute.
YVONNE
[Resigned] Whatever.
JOSHUA
Juniper doesn’t have to just give in to the pressure from his kids. There are other ways to handle their behavior that don’t uproot the natural order of the camp.
JEDIDIAH
[Laughing incredulously] Natural — [Stumbling over his words] natural order?
JOSHUA
Things are set up here in a specific way! My cabin is my territory, and it’s my right to guard it!
YVONNE
Is his minute over yet?
JEDIDIAH
[Ragging on him] No, I — I want to hear more about the natural order of the camp.
JOSHUA
[Once again attempting to deepen his voice] I’m being serious! We don’t have the space. And our kids have enough trouble respecting my authority without this — this — interloper coming and — trying to show me up. Especially since he’s making these claims on my territory after being pushed out of his own.
JEDIDIAH
[Mockingly attentive] Right. Of course.
JOSHUA
I’m worried about this for his sake, too. Juniper can’t let himself get pushed around by a bunch of kids. It’s not healthy. And by sleeping anywhere but his own bed, he’s letting them win. What is that teaching them!?
JEDIDIAH
Mmmmalright, it’s… not that funny anymore. Joshua… no more. Yvonne, your turn.
YVONNE
Right. Well, Juniper knocked on our door last night and told us that the kids at Cabin Dungbeetle got their hands on his father’s phone number, and were threatening to call the man and inform him that his son was working as a camp counselor in downstate Ohio. So, see, he didn’t have any choice except to comply with their demands and step down as Counselor of his cabin. It was Lucille’s decision for Juniper to stay in Cabin Silkworm with us, and I didn’t see any problem with it since we do have a spare bed. And I know this is, like, part of Joshua’s problem, but our kids love Juniper. He taught us this cute little card game last night, and this morning, he took them out for archery, and he just makes everything so fun for them, he’s just good at talking to teenagers. [Slowly becomes more pointed and angry] The only person who doesn’t think that’s awesome is Joshua, who cannot get over his stupid alpha male complex.
JOSHUA
[Sighs]
JEDIDIAH
Well put, Yvonne.
JOSHUA
There’s a time and place for fun. Juniper has wasted our time, and our kids’ time, just goofing off. I had a productive and fulfilling day planned for them! We were gonna start by cleaning the cabin — I came up with this game that’s supposed to make cleaning fun —
YVONNE
Cleaning will never be fun. This is a fundamental truth that Juniper understands and you don’t.
JOSHUA
It’s VALUABLE. They’re learning LIFE LESSONS. Which Juniper can’t teach them, because he doesn’t know anything about life.
YVONNE
Can you just admit that you’re jealous that the kids like him more than you? This would all go way faster.
JOSHUA
I am not! If I’m jealous, I’m jealous of how he can get away with goofing off and mooching off of us and never standing up for himself or doing anything important!
JEDIDIAH
Joshua, your reasons for not wanting Juniper to stay with you are… [Struggling to put this lightly] they’re… your reasons. But he has to stay somewhere.
JOSHUA
I beg to differ.
YVONNE
What?
JOSHUA
If Juniper’s got nowhere to stay, it’s his own fault! That’s survival of the fittest, dude. If you can’t fill your niche, you disappear.
YVONNE
This is not the fucking Discovery channel!
JOSHUA
Okay, I’m sorry for the metaphors! But I was here first, and I pull my weight around camp in a way he just doesn’t. Is it really that ridiculous that I feel like I deserve some respect for that?
YVONNE
Maybe you should start your own Summer Camp where counselors are sorted into Alphas and Omegas.
JEDIDIAH
Do not give him ideas.
JOSHUA
Why can’t he stay with Rowan? Rowan’s the only Counselor in his cabin. Since, you know, the… incident last year. Y’know. When his co-counselor got… destroyed.
YVONNE
We knew what you were talking about without you saying it, dude.
JOSHUA
Well you didn’t react, so how was I supposed to know!?
YVONNE
How did you want me to react to being reminded of how one of my coworkers was destroyed!?
JEDIDIAH
Let’s please not have an argument on top of an argument. Listen, Joshua, it’s only until Lucille sorts the problem out with the kids, right? And she is… very mad at those kids. They will probably be letting Juniper back in by tomorrow. Can you wait?
YVONNE
Of course.
JOSHUA
No way.
JEDIDIAH
[Sigh]
JOSHUA
And if you don’t mind me saying, [Mockingly] Mr. Mediation, what even is your job here? ‘Cos to me, it seems like you think your job is to convince me to repress my problems.
JEDIDIAH
I’m just trying to get this over with, Joshua.
JOSHUA
Your job is definitely not “getting this over with!” Yvonne, you have to agree, it really seems like he doesn’t care about this.
YVONNE
I mean… of course he doesn’t. It’s not his problem.
JOSHUA
And you’re actually okay with that? You were just talking to me yesterday about how you hate how distant he’s been.
YVONNE
Hey! I did not give you permission to share that!
JEDIDIAH
This session… isn’t about me.
JOSHUA
I’m just trying to point out —!
YVONNE
Stuff that doesn’t even matter! Listen, let’s — there’s a reason we’re here.
JOSHUA
Right. Getting Juniper to move into Rowan’s cabin.
JEDIDIAH
[Getting frustrated] We do not control where Juniper sleeps. That is Lucille’s decision.
JOSHUA
Well, we can — petition her!
JEDIDIAH
Joshua, listen to me. It has been one night, and it will probably only be one night more. Juniper is not so powerful to uproot your entire — personal ecosystem in a day. Unless it was already on the verge of collapse, which would not surprise me given the way you’re talking about life and relationships so far.
JOSHUA
[Overlapping] Jesus. Fine, I am jealous! I’m jealous! Okay? God! Everyone thinks he’s awesome and everyone thinks I’m annoying. Maybe that bothers me a little.
YVONNE
Joshua.
JOSHUA
I don’t know what he actually does that I don’t. Yeah, he’s funny, but he’s… inconsiderate, and irresponsible, and I try really hard around here, and I actually give a shit.
JEDIDIAH
[Impassively] Mm.
YVONNE
[Chiding] It’s kinda stupid of you to hide that sincere reaction behind a bunch of Darwinistic nonsense.
JOSHUA
And we’re supposed to be friends, Yvonne, and you’ve… barely acknowledged me since he got here. How am I supposed to talk to you?
YVONNE
Joshua… [Sigh] I’m sorry. Juniper is fun to hang out with, but believe me, he could not replace you, as a co-counselor or a friend. In fact, if they did make him my co-counselor, I would probably quit, ‘cause… he really is irresponsible. [Snickering] And a bit of a twit.
JOSHUA
Mm.
YVONNE
That said… I’d appreciate it if the next time you felt insecure, you just said it, instead of turning into a weird, mean natural philosopher about it.
JOSHUA
Yeah, I’m sorry, I guess. I just hope the kids don’t like, hate me.
YVONNE
I really doubt it. I think they’re just excited at the opportunity to goof off a little. Which is good and fine for now. Not sustainable. But… fine for a day.
JOSHUA
Sweeping the cabin isn’t, like, the end of the world though. They should be able to do it.
YVONNE
They’re kids, dude. What do you expect?
JOSHUA
I guess you’re right. Well, I’m glad we’re still friends and everything.
YVONNE
[Warmly] Yeah… Me too, dickhead.
JOSHUA
Asshole.
JEDIDIAH
Are we done?
JOSHUA
Wait, one more: Cunt.
JEDIDIAH
Okay.
YVONNE
Shithead.
JEDIDIAH
Guys.
YVONNE
He started it.
JOSHUA
You started it! Fuckface!
YVONNE
You turned one simple, friendly insult into a pissing contest. Which is typical, from you. Pisslord!
JEDIDIAH
Right. It seems like the problem has been solved. Can we call this session adjourned?
YVONNE
Yeah… Okay. I suppose.
JEDIDIAH
I’ll see you around, Yvonne.
YVONNE
[Hesitant] Yeah… sure.
[THEY GET UP AND LEAVE]
JOSHUA
Bye, dude.
[THE DOOR SHUTS]
JEDIDIAH
Afterlog notes. Joshua… sucks.. Uh. Yvonne… is cool, I guess… Christ. Sydney… Why did you make me do this? This job? I’m so tired. These meetings never go anywhere, and sometimes I feel like you just like seeing me flounder and fail at things. Do you like it?
Agh. Fuck. Nevermind. Scratch that. I’m just smashing this tape. A bird ate it. I dropped it in the bonfire. Whatever.
[CLICK]
Today’s episode was written and produced by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Yvonne Marley was played by Emily Safko. The part of Joshua MacHeath was played by Ty Coker. Camp Here & There is the sole intelectual property of its production company, Mayfield and Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Blue Mayfield and Beetlesprite. Special thanks to our patrons: Taylor Kloiber, Ciel, Imke Nouwen, Arson, and Samantha
For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our patreon, at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our Discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode. Find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.
Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There, and remember: The ground keeps whole for only as long as the worthy walk.
[STATIC]
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